Friends, Changes, Together, Alone
by Lioness Black
Summary: [Complete] Dawn invites the remaining members of the BSC to spend six weeks in California and it ends up in a whirlwind of romance, true feelings, and knowing who your friends really are, even with the changes.
1. Dawn

Title: Friends. Changes. Together. Alone.  
Author: Lioness Black  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: Not mine, just good fun.  
Summary: Dawn invites the remaining members of the BSC to spend six weeks in Calfornia and it ends up in a whirlwind of romance, true feelings, and knowing who your friends really are, even with the changes.  
Spoilers: Post California Diaries series, and Kristy's Big News in the Friends Forever series.

Chapter One: Dawn

June 19th

I talk about changes a lot, but it's not until I talk to Mary Anne or visit Stoneybrook that I realize how much I've changed. Things that used to be such a big aren't such a big deal anymore. Drinking? I don't do it, but when people around me do, it doesn't bother me too much. People making out in the halls? When we first started going to the high school, it drove me nuts, but now I'm used to it. The smoking in the bathroom still bugs me, but it's just another form of pollution and is generally disgusting.

I'm used to going to clubs, I'm used to hanging out with sixteen year olds. But is Mary Anne? Is Kristy? Is Claudia? Is Stacey... well, maybe Stacey, but it's been a really long time, so I don't know.

Why is this so important? Because they're all coming out to California for six weeks. Six weeks. What are we going to do? I hardly even know them, or at least it feels that way sometimes.

I asked Mary Anne to visit me, and when I asked Dad and he said any of them could come visit me. I don't know what was in me when I asked Mary Anne, and I really don't know what was in me when I said that the rest of the BSC could come. It all went by so fast, and everyone got their tickets, and it just went by fast. Really, I think Dad just wants them here so they'll baby-sit Gracie for free.

I called Mom, and she's not too happy that I'm staying in California for the summer, but I promised Thanksgiving and Christmas. Plus Jeff's going out to Stoneybrook, and he's sulky because I'm staying. I think it really hurts Mom how much he hates Stoneybrook, but I hope she knows that it's the place, not her. I'm sure she does.

I'm actually writing this on the way to the airport. Dad and Carol had plans, so Dad let Ducky take his new SUV (Which he knows I hate, do you know how much pollution those things create?) to the airport to pick up my friends since we wouldn't all fit in Ducky's car. Especially not with everything I'm sure Claudia and Stacey packed. He made Ducky promise a lot of things, but I wasn't there, I was still digging up sleeping bags.

"Amalia said that we were welcome to Vanish rehearsals, but Maggie said that we weren't. But you know how Maggie is," I was babbling at Ducky. He kept smiling and cracking jokes, and trying to put me at ease, but it wasn't working.

"Maggie also said not to mention Tyler, but I already have, so it's too late. Sunny's bouncing off the walls, and..." I paused. "How do you feel about them coming?"

"I'm excited about meeting your friends," Ducky said. "But I'm not nearly as keyed up as you. What's up?"

"Things are just so different. I can fit in there, but can they fit in here? I can adapt to Stoneybrook and still be me, but I can't adapt to it just from four people, you know?"

"Why do you think things are going to go so wrong?"

Ducky is SO intuitive. I only have to say half of what's on my mind and he knows the whole story. "I hardly even talk to Kristy, Claudia, and Stacey anymore. We all sued to be so close, and now I'm wondering what I'm going to say. I've grown up a lot since then, or, more like, I've been forced to."

"And what's to say that they haven't changed too?" Ducky asked, sounding completely gentle and understanding.

I paused. I really hadn't thought about that, so I told him so.

"You all may still be more alike that you think. Besides, what are they going to do? Suddenly stop liking you? I don't know anyone who doesn't like you, and they're your friends. A few changes isn't going to make a difference. They're coming out all this way to see you, right?"

"Right." I was smiling by now. Ducky knows just what to say.

"Then obviously they still like you. What are they going to do? Turn around and go home?"

"Not likely."

Ducky's been playing with the radio while I wrote this, and I warned him that Dad would freaked if the radio stations were changed, and Ducky said that was one of the promises he made. Then he asked if I was writing about him, and I reminded him that it was a PRIVATE journal, and he started laughing at me.

And... we're here now. Oh God. This is it. Why am I freaking out? They're the same people, I'm the same person. This shouldn't be this weird. Ducky's giving me a neck rub, but I'm not relaxing.

RELAX!!

Ducky grabbed my journal away from me. Private, right? Now I'm laughing again. This should be okay.

Like Four Minutes Later

The plane is late. LATE? HOW CAN IT BE LATE?

I didn't realize until I got here that I'm really excited to see them. I'm jumping around, and Ducky is laughing at me. This can't be all that bad. I'm really excited.

I think... yeah, that's their flight. This is it.


	2. Stacey

Chapter Two: Stacey

June 19th. Day One of my Summer Vacation.

I need a new journal title, but I'm not exactly a writer. Summer vacation. It's usually one of those phrases that gets tossed around. My "vacation" was going to be a vapid wasteland of random baby-sitting jobs, maybe a trip to New York, but probably just shopping (not that's shopping's all bad) and summer reading. Besides, this really wasn't day one, I'd been out of school for over a week now, but this is day one of the real vacation part.

It started when Dawn invited Mary Anne to California, and Mary Anne invited us, and we all got permission, and everything fell into place. So now we have six weeks of sunny California ahead of us. I still have to do the summer reading.

Dawn said that at their school they're all required to write journals, and suggested that we all should too, just because everyone around us will be making time for it as well. Which I think is sort odd, but how many times have I forced everyone to write journals for me? More than once, and this isn't required. Plus it'll be nice to have. A reminder of my trip to California in the summer between eighth and nineth grade.

Right now we're on the plane, and I'm a little nervous. This isn't just a visit out with Dawn and her friends. I mean, Sunny's mom died. What are we supposed to say to her? "I'm sorry?" Or is that like saying "I'm sorry I have a mom and you don't?" Do I not say anything at all? Or is that rude?

The only person I know who died was Mimi, but Claudia's my best friend, not a person I've met once. I liked Sunny when we met, but it's not like I really know her.

"Mary Anne, what am I supposed to say to Sunny?" I asked in a quiet voice. Claudia was asleep on my other side and Kristy, on the other side of the aisle was listening to music. Mary Anne was reading pamplets she'd picked up in airport about Hollywood and Anahiem, but she sort of knew something on the subject of mothers who had passed away.

"I'm not sure, but I doubt she wants to talk about it. So if it comes up, it comes up, but I wouldn't bring it up," she replied.

"What do I say if it comes up, though?"

"I'm not sure," she repeated. "But I know if it comes up, you'll know what to say."

"What about Dawn's new friends? You mentioned something about new friends." I couldn't remember.

"She's friends with a girl named Amalia, who seems really sweet, and a boy named Ducky, who also seems really nice, from what's she said. And Maggie joined a band, and they all hang out together, but I don't know all the details there." Mary Anne smiled.

"Ducky?"

"From Pretty in Pink, I guess," she said. Mary Anne knows her Molly Ringwald movies.

"That's not what I meant. He's sixteen, right? Is he like her... boyfriend?"

"No, not at all, according to Dawn. But I'm just going on what's she's said." Mary Anne was grinning now. She loves anything romantic.

Hm, Dawn dating a high school guy, I could see it. I mean, I've dated older guys, two in fact. And guys in a band? This could be a huge possibility. I'd been broken up with my last boyfriend Ethan (one of the high school guys) for a while now. I'd be in California for six weeks, who knows what could happen?

I smiled. This is going to be great.

We're landing right now. I should start getting together my stuff. I have CDs and makeup spread out everywhere. 


	3. Kristy

Chapter Three: Kristy

June 19th

It's ten-thirty at night, but it feels like it's one-thirty. That's the one bad thing of being in California, the time change.

So this is the California Vacation Journal of Kristy Thomas. I can hear Stacey writing in her's. She, Claudia, and I are in the rec room. She's on a the couch, Claudia and I are on the floor in sleeping bags. Mary Anne's in Dawn's room, but Dawn isn't in there, why should she be? It's only ten-thirty. Who goes to be at ten-thirty on their summer vacation?

Everything was kind of boring until we landed in California. We got off the plane and went through our gate and Dawn was standing there. She looked very tan, wearing jeans and a t-shirt that said "Fish Are Friends, Not Food." (From Finding Nemo. When you have as many little siblings as me, you've seen that movie more times than you'd like to count.) The shirt is SO Dawn.

Mary Anne was squealing and hugging her, and Stacey and Claudia were gathered around her too. I was noticing the guy standing behind her. He was obviously with her, unless strangers just stare and smile fondly at everyone. Doubtful. I knew he must have been Dawn's older guy friend. I couldn't remember his name. Goosey? So I just went up to him.

I stuck out my hand. "I'm Kristy Thomas."

"Ducky McCrae," he replied, shaking my hand. "Your chauffeur for the evening."

"More like bellhop. Stacey and Claudia packed a lot."

"I'm super friend," he replied. "It's all good."

"Kristy Thomas, aren't you going to give me a hug?" Dawn shouted. Her voice echoed in the terminal, but she didn't seem to care. Neither did I. We hugged, and then Dawn introduced everyone to Ducky. Then we spent forever picking up our luggage. Well, Claudia and Stacey spent forever. I had one duffle bag and that was it.

We went out to the car which was a giant SUV.

"Is this yours?" Claudia asked Ducky.

"No, it's Dawn's Dad's," he answered. He heaved one of her giant suitcases into the back. "My car's too small for all of you and all your stuff."

"Your dad has an SUV?" Mary Anne asked, looking at Dawn. She made a face.

"I know. I told him how much pollution they create, but he said it was safer for Gracie, you know side airbags and everything, but right now he's in Carol's car with Gracie, so I don't know why he had to get the pollute-mobile. I tried to get him to change his mind, there are plenty of eco-friendly cars with side airbags, but he just bought it anyway."

"I'm sworn not to drink and drive, or drive like a maniac," Ducky said, smiling. "Or change the radio stations."

Dawn laughed.

I put my own bag in the trunk. Then we piled into the car.

We went back to Dawn's house, and flipped coins to see who got the couch in the rec room (Mary Anne didn't, opting to bunk with Dawn). Then her Dad and Carol came home with Gracie and Jeff, and we all said hi to Jeff, and had a group squeal over Gracie. Even Dawn, and Dawn sees her everyday. It was contagious.

Then Ducky, in his own car that rivals The Junk Bucket for ugliest and loudest car I've ever ridden in, drove us to Rico Chavez's house for a Vanish rehearsal. Vanish is the band Maggie's in, and they were really good.

Dawn introduced us to Amalia, whom I liked right away. She seemed like a take-charge, head-on-her-shoulders kind of person. Like me. During the break, I met Rico, Bruce, Patti, and Justin. And we all said hi to Maggie, who looked really different than the last time I saw her. She had her natural hair color and was wearing khakis and a t-shirt.

"No more green hair?" I asked.

She laughed. "Not anymore. That phase is over. I think I passed it onto Sunny, though. She's into the black clothes, weird makeup thing now. It's an expression."

I didn't really know what she meant by that, but I just nodded. I didn't really know what to say. Dawn had warned us not to mention Maggie's weight (Anorexia? I had no idea that people my age dealt with that), or Tyler Kendall, her boyfriend and mega-movie star. Apparently mega-movie star. I'd never heard of the guy, but Mary Anne about passed out at his name.

The band started playing again, and Stacey and I talked to Amalia.

"How long have you lived here?" I asked.

"Almost a year now. It's weird. I met my ex-boyfriend, and he introduced me to the band, and I met Dawn and Maggie and everyone, and all of a sudden I felt like I knew everyone in the world."

"Which one's your ex?" Stacey asked.

"Oh. Um, none of them. He, uh, left the band. Well, they kicked him out for being an abusive asshole." She stopped, looking shocked at herself. "Did I say that? High school has had it's effect on me. Anyway, Justin took his place."

Speaking of Justin, in between songs, he tapped his mic. "Hey, guys, I have an announcement to make."

"Don't tell me you're leaving the band," Amalia called. Everyone laughed, including Justin.

"No, nothing like that. I just thought I should tell my friends- and friends of friends- first." He paused and gathered himself. "I'm bisexual."

There was a silent sort of buzz in the room, and then Rico started laughing.

"What's the big deal?"

Justin looked relieved, but he wasn't looking at Rico. Before I could see what he was looking at, he then looked up at the band. "So it's cool."

"What does Nancy think?" Patti asked. She was grinning. I guess Nancy's his girlfriend.

"Nancy dumped me," Justin said, looking tense again.

"Good Lord," Amalia said. "I thought this was a liberal town."

Maggie had a funny look on her face, and Dawn told us later that Maggie and Justin sort of dated, but after rehearsal was over, she and Justin were talking and laughing together like they were best friends. I guess it was okay.

After that, Ducky drove us back to Dawn's house, and we saw Sunny getting out of some car, and the guy driving the car peeled away (I hate that sound).

"Sunny!" Dawn called to her.

Sunny turned, and ran over to us and hugged all of us (She has a NAVEL ring!) and rambled on about all sorts of stuff in one breath that I didn't nearly catch any of, but Dawn seemed to.

"Want to come over for dinner?" Dawn asked.

"No, Dad's actually home for dinner tonight. I figure he'll want the company," Sunny said. She was smiling.

I sort of freaked. Was I supposed to say something? Apparently not, because Dawn acted like this was normal, and we went back into her house, and Sunny into her's.

Already tired (It was seven/ten), we ate dinner and watched Pirates of the Caribbean, the only movie we could all agree on, balancing cute guys, action, and love stories.

Which brings us to now and Stacey stopped writing a long time ago, and Claudia is snoring lightly. I guess I should go to bed now.


	4. Ducky

Chapter Four: Ducky

Early June 20th  
The Subliminal World of Ducky Crashes

It's really weird. One thing changes everything. Like that time Sunny kissed you, it seemed to change you whole relationship. But things worked out. Maybe this will work out too. Let's hope so.

Back up, McCrae. Start over.

You drive Dawn to the airport and pick up her friends. Another bunch of thirteen and fourteen year olds, all of whom were just as cool as Dawn and our friends here. They gabbed, you gabbed, the gossip about people you didn't know, and you comment on it anyway.

"He's not like most guys, is he?" You hear Claudia mutter to Dawn. Dawn just smiles.

We had a lot of fun, and you help them take their bags into Dawn's house, and we go to the Vanish rehearsal. The Vanish rehearsal to end all Vanish rehearsals. Okay, so you've only been to like three of them. This wasn't normal.

So it was normal. Except for one thing.

You're eating pizza, joking with Amalia, Dawn, and Stacey, when everything goes quiet.

Justin looks around and says, "Guys, I have an announcement to make."

"Don't say you're leaving the band!" Amalia shouts. Everyone laughs.

Justin says, "No. I want to tell my friends and friends of friends that I'm bisexual."

Everyone goes silent and everyone starts talking, and it turns out Justin's girlfriend dumped him over it, and everything's cool, but you're feeling unsettled.

When Justin made his announcement, he was looking directly at you.

The Rico started cracking jokes, and everything went back to the way it was, but now you're still feeling weird about it.

What does it mean? Does... does...

You can't even write it. Not even in your private journal that no one is going to see. It's too weird. It's too weird to think that Justin Randall, the most popular guy at Vista likes... you.

You're seeing things. You're reading too much into it. That's what you do. You over analyze everything. He was just looking at you.

But he wasn't. He wasn't simply looking at you. You could tell. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when a girl you like is around you? Well, you don't. But you'd heard people talk about it, and when Justin looked at you, you got that.

Not that you like Justin. Because that's obviously not the case.

But... have you liked anyone? Like girls?

This is all too weird to think about.

Good night.

1:23

PM that is. You're sitting at a bench in Disneyland. Everyone else is in line for Space Mountain, but you actually needed a break.

Who brings their personal journal to DISNEYLAND?

You don't know, but it somehow made its way into your inside jacket pocket.

Dawn calls you at eight this morning.

Dawn: Good Morning, Ducky!  
Ducky: Hrumphmumphpump?  
Dn: What?  
Dky: Merrr?  
Dn: Are you still in bed?  
Dky: Yahhh... yeah.  
Dn: My friends are awake and they're jet-lagged.  
Dky, starting to become coherent: I was up past midnight.  
Dn: Nevermind, then. I can get Dad to take us to Disneyland. I just thought it would be fun if you came with us. We called Sunny, but she's got some beach date, Maggie and Amalia have work, and Sunny told me that you don't have work today.  
Dky: Disneyland?  
Dn: Yeah. We'd pay for your gas.

Well, a free drive to Disneyland. How could you pass it up?

So you get out of bed, crawl into the shower, and go to Dawn's. You pick up her peppy friends that you are very quickly becoming to love, gab and chat the whole way there, go in and hang around.

The last time you were at Disneyland, you went with your parents and brother to recapture some sort of family youth. This trip is twenty times more fun, because you're there to create new memories, not just try to recreate the old ones.

Everyone except Mary Anne wants to go on the roller coasters right away. You convince them to start out slow, and we ride a few ride-y rides, then Dawn insists we ride the Haunted Mansion, but Mary Anne sits it out, and you join her so she doesn't have to sit alone.

Mary Anne: Where did you meet Dawn?Ducky: She didn't tell you?  
MA: Nope.  
D: We met at a party. Well, leaving a party. A bad party.  
MA: Oh.  
D: Sunny was drunk and they were lost, and-  
MA: What?  
D: I think I said too much.  
MA: We were sort of worried, well, I was sort of worried that Dawn had changed since she moved here.  
D: She has, and she was really worried about what you guys would think.  
MA: You're a good friend, Ducky.  
D: I guess.  
MA: No, you are. I know that Dawn and Sunny and everyone really looks up to you and respects you.  
D: I can't figure out why.

The conversation ends there as everyone comes out from the Haunted Mansion. Somehow, Kristy convinces Mary Anne onto Space Mountain and this is now.

And now you're sitting here by yourself, because you convinced them that Space Mountain makes you sick, when it doesn't really, but you prefer Thunder Mountain Railroad and you needed a moment to yourself.

On sleeping, you realize that you're crazy and that Justin Randall was looking at you because you were the only guy that he didn't have to turn to look at and wanted to see what other guys thought. But then again, when have you been like other guys?

Justin could say it: Bisexual. He announced it to his friends, and people he didn't even know. It means he likes guys and girls the same, right? What about you? Have you even thought about girls? You're friends with girls, your best friend is a girl after your other best friends became Cro-Mags and tried to commit suicide and moved to Chicago respectively. (Which Alex's suicide attempt bothers you more, even now, than you'd like to admit)

But what about you? Bisexual? Is that you? Could you call you that? Would that make it better?

Better than what? Better than... gay? Better than... "I don't like boys or girls, but when guys look at me, no matter the context I get a weird feeling in my stomach"? Does that have a compact word?

It's all too complicated. Why can't you just like who you like and not put big labels on things? Because that's not how this life, namely high school, works. Everything needs a label. You're that lame guy who hangs out with the 8th graders (well, freshmen now) and doesn't have any friends your own age. Unless.


	5. Mary Anne

Chapter Five: Mary Anne

June 20th

I hate to be a drag, but I hope that the rest of this vacation isn't this active. All right, I wanted to go to Hollywood and shop in the Kodak Plaza and look for movie stars, but everyone else wanted to go to Disneyland. Disneyland was fun, though.

Which, speaking of movie stars, Dawn said that Maggie's boyfriend is Tyler Kendall. TYLER KENDALL! How could Dawn be so calm about one of her best friends dating one of the biggest movie stars in America? I have a Tyler Kendall poster up in my room, (about the only thing I have in this house - have I mentioned that I can't wait until the barn is remodeled?) and he's on the cover of about every magazine there is.

I asked Dawn if she knew any other movie stars, but she said that she really doesn't know Tyler let alone anyone else. He's not around a lot, and when he is, he mostly hangs out with Maggie. She said they go out with Amalia and Brendan (Amalia's boyfriend) a lot.

Anyway, Disneyland. I hung out with Ducky a lot of the time, because when I didn't want to go on a ride, he would always sit with me. He's SO sweet, but really down on himself. He doesn't like to talk about himself, and would much rather hear about how you're doing and how you're feeling than about how things are with him. No wonder Dawn loves him.

This evening, we went over to Maggie's (where Tyler Kendall was not) and she had pretty much any movie you could think of on dvd, the largest TV I'd ever seen in my life, and huge over-stuffed couches and comfy floor bean bags.

I was in awe, I think everyone else was too, but Maggie seemed bored. We ate wonderful catered food, and Maggie seemed annoyed.

"Is everything okay?" I asked her.

She smiled. "I just hate this. I can practically hear my dad giving Pilar orders to make sure we're fed, because we can't do anything ourselves. You'd think things would be better, but with my mom at the clinic, he's become even more controlling over Zeke and me."

I didn't know anything about clinics, Dawn hadn't mentioned that, but I had the feeling it wasn't great. I smiled anyway. "He's probably thinking he's protecting you."

Maggie sighed. "I know, but it's hard to appreciate when he's always lording over me, which he's been doing for years. Maybe you guys coming here wasn't a great idea. To my house, I mean, not California, because it's great to see you."

"Your house is great. My house burned down."

"Wow, oh my God, I'm sorry."

I sort of felt stupid for bringing it up, but Maggie was totally concerned. "It's all right. No one was hurt, and that's what matters, right?"

I tried to smile, but I felt those horrible tears coming up. "Thanks." I walked away, hoping I wasn't being rude. I found my way into a bathroom (which took forever, because I sort of got lost, which I would only admit to my journal) and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, that I think was really a Jacuzzi, and started to cry.

I really didn't feel bad about the house. I mean, I did, I lost all of my belongings, but that really wasn't bothering me. I just felt dumb. I'm in the coolest house in the world, and I just go and say the first thing that pops into my head. Which of course is horribly depressing, and it's not like Maggie doesn't seem to be depressed enough.

I wiped away my tears, tried to fix my makeup the best I could, and started to walk out the door when I ran right into Sunny, who also looked a little misty-eyed.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She put on a huge smile, like the one from yesterday when we saw her getting out of that guy's car. "I'm great. Super party in there, right? Maggie knows how to put it on."

"Sunny," I said as gently as possible.

She gave me this friendly sort of glare. "I'm fine, Mary Anne. You can't solve all my problems." She winked. "So, how are things going with that boyfriend of yours? What was his name?"

"Logan," I said, knowing my voice was weird. "We, uh, broke up. He was sort of smothering me. So we broke up."

"Shit," Sunny said, smiling. "I know how it goes. I go out with one guy and he expects me to stay with him forever like we're going steady or something, but he can date other girls? I'm not dealing with that. Neither should you. Oh my God, Mary Anne, we need to hook you up this summer. I've met so many cool guys, tons of sophomores and juniors, well, juniors and seniors now, right? But we're freshman, we can take it."

"Sunny-"

"There are going to be parties all summer long, and you are going to be elbow deep in high school hotties, and the second that you get back to Stoneybrook, you'll know how to work a party and get any guy you want. I'm going to run you through Sunny's school of high school dating."

"Sunny-" I tried again.

"Mary Anne, you're going to be the hottest property of Palo City." Sunny laughed. "This is going to be so much fun, isn't it?"

I paused. "Okay."

Why I said okay, I don't know. Maybe I felt bad for Sunny. That had to be it, because there is no way that I do that sort of thing. I just always cave in. I hate that too.

Why do I always do these things?

June 21st 12:04

I had to stop writing because Dawn came in and we started talking. I moved out to the living room to keep writing because I wasn't tired. Not after what happened. I'd be surprised if Dawn is asleep.

"I saw you hanging out with Sunny at the party," Dawn said to me as she changed into her nightgown (an oversized t-shirt).

"Yeah," I replied.

"She's a lot to handle, huh?"

"She has a lot to say, and she says it all at once," I admitted. I didn't feel like telling Dawn that her best friend was annoying me all night and pressured me into going to a bunch of parties full of strangers all summer long.

"Was she annoying you all night and pressuring you to go to a bunch of parties full of strangers all summer?" Dawn asked.

Okay, she didn't really say that, but she did ask, "Was she bothering you? It kind of seemed like she was bothering you."

"Dawn," I said, all of a sudden, "why didn't you tell me you met Ducky coming from a party where Sunny got drunk, and apparently you were walking in the middle of nowhere?"

Dawn looked stunned. I felt pretty stunned. I don't blurt things out like that.

"Um, how did you find out?"

"Ducky told me. He didn't realize that my step-sister hadn't told me this before." I was feeling edgy from dealing with Sunny all night, and writing it hadn't helped, and I had the feeling that Dawn was leaving out a lot more than anything she had told me, or the things that Ducky had said at Disneyland. I don't use the phrase "step-sister" a lot when I refer to Dawn.

"I guess I should have told you, but I didn't know how you would react. Things are a lot different here than they are in Stoneybrook," Dawn said.

"So that's why Sunny's getting drunk and dating juniors and seniors? Because things are different? Are you drinking?" I wasn't really mad, just worried.

"No! But it's not something... it doesn't really bother me. Not like I knew it would you. Don't you see, Mary Anne? It's a lot different than before. Everyone acts different, things have changed."

"And that's an excuse to leave me out of your life?"

"I wasn't trying to leave you out of my life, I just... I didn't want you thinking less of me. Like I was changing in a bad way."

"So you lied to me to make yourself look good?"

"No! Well, sort of." Dawn was looking pained, but I wasn't feeling sorry for her.

"Why did you even ask us to come out here if you were so ashamed of your life?"

"I'm not ashamed!"

"It sure sounds like it." I grabbed my journal and I stormed into the living room. I still wasn't mad, but I was really defensive, and Dawn was defensive, and I hated that feeling. And I've been hating a lot of things lately.

And I started thinking about Sunny's offer. I didn't really want to meet guys, Logan and I have only been broken up since the end of the school year, but Sunny was confident. I don't know how much of that was a front, you know, covering up pain, but she had a spark about her, something that attracted people to her. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but if she could teach it to me.

Maybe then I wouldn't be hating things so much. 


	6. Amalia

Chapter Six: Amalia

6/21

Sorry I haven't been writing, Nbook. Things have been crazy lately. Between work (Have I mentioned that I don't like working at the Ice Cream Palace? I didn't? I DON'T LIKE WORKING AT THE ICE CREAM PALACE!!) and Vanish rehearsals, I just don't have time for anything.

I've been really pulling for the guys (and girls) in Vanish. There's auditions for them to go this weekend for next weekend's 4th of July Bash. Only three bands are being chosen, and pretty much everyone in Palo City will be there according to Maggie. Besides, all the bands that are chosen get paid $300. Exposure. Money. It can't go wrong.

Brendon won't be here of course. Camp whatever in Western Massachusetts. He's leaving later today, while I'm at work. I'll be meeting him BEFORE work, so we can say goodbye. It's only SIX WEEKS and he'll be back for freshman year - FRESHMAN YEAR!!! Not that it seems like such a big deal, since we're already in the high school building. But it's still cool, official high schoolers.

The other day, when Dawn's friends got here, when Justin made his big announcement, I had absolutely no idea what he meant. I sort of went along with everyone else, because they weren't making a big deal out of it.

Later on I ask Saint Isabel what bisexual meant.

She starts laughing. "Amalia, you are so naive."

"What? Isabel! Just tell me!"

Remind me, Nbook, to never try to talk to Isabel about anything.

After about ten minutes of this, I get it out of her that bisexual means you're attracted to guys and girls, and once she explained it to me, I felt even more stupid, because it seemed to make so much sense then. Bi. Sexual. I get it now.

Yesterday, I told Brendan (I figure that Justin will tell everyone in his own time, but Brendan wasn't going to spread it around) and he was really cool about it too, but he didn't seemed surprised. In fact, he acted like he expected it.

"I sort of saw it coming," he says. "I mean, he's kind of obvious."

"Obvious?" I ask.

"I dunno. He's... pretty."

"What?" I'm totally confused. Isabel is right (never write those words again), I'm totally naive.

"It's just his demeanor," Brendan says.

"Well, I never noticed anything," I say stiffly. Why does everyone around me seem to know it all? It's not just a Palo City thing since Brendan knows.

"It's not a big deal," Brendan says, putting his arm around my shoulders. "People are who they are. It's not weird or anything."

"I didn't think it was." I'm still sounding very unlike me.

"It's okay, Amalia."

I lean back against him. "I feel stupid, I'm like the only one who doesn't know about anything... they don't teach in school. I just feel kind of left out. Like an inside joke or something. And I just laugh so it looks like I'm keeping up."

"You shouldn't have to. No one thinks you're dumb, least of all your friends."

Brendan is so sweet.

That evening, I went over to Maggie's, (alone, Brendan had to pack) she had everyone over. Her mom still isn't home from Betty Ford, and Maggie was stewing over her Dad sponsoring food and not being able to just get pizza and Chinese food. However, the food was great.

I started talking to Claudia, and we got on the subject of art. It turns out she's an artist too, but her's is on a much more professional level than mine, and she's way better.

"You're amazing!" I say after she shows me the drawing of me she sketched on a napkin.

"Thanks. You're really good too." She takes the cartoony drawing of her (on a napkin too) from me. "This is really fun."

"Fun, code for "it looks like something a four-year-old drew,"" I remark.

"No, not at all," Claudia says. "It's just different. It's more... well, fun."

"But this," I say, waving the napkin with my face on it at her, "looks like a photograph!"

"That's my secret," she says, grinning.

I start laughing. "That's just raw natural talent, though. You're really good, I promise."

"Thanks," she says again, this time sounding a little sheepish. She picks up her plate and starts eating. "Have you tried the pie?"

Things get a little boring until -

"So, um, do you guys hang out with the band a lot?" Claudia asks.

"Sometimes, but mostly just at rehearsals, and sometimes at school. And everyone always makes it to their shows. Hopefully we'll be playing on the 4th of July," I reply. "But they don't show up for these things."

"Oh."

I started to get things right here and my eyes widen. "You like someone!"

Claudia blushes.

"Who is it?" Then I realize that I've known Claudia for a total of two days, and I'm being nosy. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me."

"No... it's okay. It's... well." She pauses. "Does... Rico have a girlfriend?"

I grin like crazy. "No, no, he doesn't." Claudia likes Rico! That's so adorable!

She starts grinning too. "Well, then... that's... too bad."

"Did you meet him yesterday?" I ask. "I mean, did you introduce yourself to him?"

"No, I was too nervous. I've liked guys, but they were all my own age, not sixteen."

"Sixteen year old guys are just like thriteen year old guys, except they drive. You spent all day at Disneyland with Ducky, and that wasn't weird, was it?"

"But, he's Ducky. He's different."

"Yeah, okay, you're right. I dated a sixteen year old, and he was a loser, but Rico isn't a loser. Anyway, older guys. Just like guys our age. Besides, it's not like you act like a regular thirteen year old," I say.

"I don't?" Claudia asks.

"Look at how you're dressed." Claudia was wearing a short black skirt, a long sleeved bright blue shirt, and strappy black high heel shoes. She had a silver necklace on with a handmade looking charm on it, and silver swirly earrings. She looked at least fifteen, if not older.

"I dress like this all the time."

"Really? I don't have that kind of energy." I was wearing jeans, my Jax t-shirt, and sneakers. It's what I had put on half asleep that morning.

She smiles. "How I dress doesn't make the fact that I'm only thirteen any different."

"The guys don't see it like that. I'm their manager, and I'm only thirteen," I say. "And I bet, if you introduce yourself to Rico-"

"You think he'll like me?" Claudia asks.

"I don't know, but what's the worst that could happen?"

Hopefully he'll like her too, because I have this bad habit of giving advice where I don't need to be giving advice. Or bad advice. I invited her to rehearsal this evening.

I've got to meet Brendan now, and then go to work.

(I hate working at the Ice Cream Palace.) 


	7. Maggie

Chapter Seven: Maggie 

6/21

Well, the "party" last night was a bust. Dad made sure of that. I just wanted to order pizza and buy some ice cream, but Dad had the small get together catered. There were only eight of us, Ducky wasn't even there (I don't know why). Why can't he just leave me alone? I'm fourteen years old for crying out loud. And after spending all my life watching my parents host parties, don't you think that I can host my own party for seven people?

Apparently not.

But bad hostess moment was when I totally forgot that Dawn's house in Stoneybrook burned down. And I made myself look like an idiot, and I think Mary Anne felt like and idiot. I'm so self centered.

Anyway.

Tonight was Vanish rehearsal. We've got auditions for the 4th of July Bash this weekend, and Amalia has us practicing nearly evening night. Last night was a free night, and we've got another one Thursday, but other than that, every evening is booked for Vanish. Thank God there's no school, I couldn't balance all of that.

Claudia caught a ride with me. Carol was taking Kristy, Stacey, Mary Anne, Sunny, and Dawn to the movies. I told them not to see Operation Death. I was dragged to the premiere, and it's horrible.

The reason we have the free night Thursday is that I'm stuck going to another premiere. I hate summer, every week is another LA premiere. This week, it's Mr. Murder and that doesn't sound exactly promising.

Anyway, Claudia was really cool in the limo. She didn't make a big deal out of it, and I was extremely grateful (I wonder if Dawn warned her). But she did open and close a few of the compartments and the bar that's now full of those tiny bottles of Pepsi. But she didn't babble on and on about it.

Rehearsal was normal, I was awful. My throat kept drying up, and I couldn't hit the high notes.

"Maggie," Amalia said to me at the first break to the trough, "you've got to relax. You know that's all it is. Feel the music."

She's pretty keyed up over the 4th of July Bash. I know she wants us to make it, it'll be great exposure, plus we get paid.

"I know, I'm sorry," I muttered.

"Get some water," she advised. "Then, chill out. It's just rehearsal. Don't even think about the audition. It's not until Saturday."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. And that's the point, Maggie. Don't worry about it."

So I guzzled down half a bottle of water, and got back up and I was hitting the right notes on the keyboard, and my throat wasn't dry, but I still couldn't hit the high notes.

I swear, every time we rehearse, I'm expecting Rico or someone to just say "Sorry, Maggie, you're not good. You should just leave." It never happens, and they're really patient with me, and Amalia won't let me quit.

We practiced and practiced, and we were there until nearly ten-thirty. Amalia got into the limo with Claudia and me, because it was way too late for her to be walking home.

"I saw you talking to Rico," Amalia said, looking at Claudia.

What? This is new.

"Yeah, I introduced myself," Claudia said, looking a little flushed.

"And...?"

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Claudia likes Rico," Amalia said. Then she covered her mouth. "Oops, sorry, Claud."

"No, it's okay. I don't really mind. Everyone will find eventually, I guess. I just hope Rico doesn't."

"You don't?" Amalia asked. "Then how will he know when to pick you up?"

Claudia laughed.

"Really, Claudia," I said, "if you're interested, you should go for it. If you wait too long, it won't make any difference."

"If I wait to long I'll be back in Stoneybrook," she replied. "Which, why am I even dealing with this if I'm only here for six weeks?"

"Because it'll make these six weeks even more memorable. And even if you want to do long distance, Dawn living out here is a great excuse."

Claudia laughed again. "I'm not really interested in doing it long distance. He's... just so cute."

Now, I don't think Rico's that cute, but maybe it's just because I've known him for so long, and never thought about him like that. Plus, I'm with Tyler (you know, that's still weird to think about) and when you really like someone, it's hard to look at someone, even someone attractive, and think "I'm attracted to him."

I looked at Amalia and I could tell she was thinking the same thing since she had Brendan, which he left for camp today, but seemed to be taking it well. However, she also looked extremely excited for Claudia.

Maybe it was just the idea of seeing two people come together. We don't really have that now, and who are we going to set up? Sunny? The queen of never ending boyfriends? Not that Amalia and I are into setting people up.

My words aren't making sense anymore. I need some sleep.

6/22

Ugh, I'm so glad I don't have anywhere I need to be this morning. My throat is raw. I'm going to kill Amalia for keeping us there all night. I just thought about how lucky we are that Rico's parents and their neighborhood are really cool with practice sessions going on until all hours of the night.

I'm going to beg Amalia for a short practice on Friday, because if we're out practicing, how the hell am I supposed to sing Saturday afternoon?

Pilar brought me some tea with honey, and it doesn't seem to be helping. Oh, god, I have practice tonight too.

I'm going to see if Sunny or someone wants to come to practice tonight, because I'm sure that Claudia will want to come tonight as well. She shouldn't have to sit alone, or look like... I don't know, a groupie or something. But wouldn't the guys love that? To know that they have a groupie.

Dad came in and asked me why I was out so late. Since when is quarter to eleven late?

"Dad, it's summer," I told him.

"But you have a job," he replied.

"I don't have to be there until eleven. When they open. It's nine-thirty."

"Don't get snippy with me, young lady."

Snippy? Young lady? What brought this on?

"I know how to budget my time, Dad," I said. "That's how I can juggle a job, band practice, my friends, and during the school year, homework, and Inner Vistas."

"That's enough from you, Maggie. Or maybe you won't be able to go to your little band practice."

"Dad, you can't do that. I have a responsibility to them! We're auditioning for the 4th of July Bash this weekend, and you know how big that is."

Dad paused. He did know how big the Bash is. We've been going to the Bash for years, and if we could play there, it would project us from just some local band known throughout our school, we would be known all throughout Palo City, and maybe even get invited to play at larger events.

Wait.

Today's date is... the 22nd?

Amalia's birthday is July 8th. I hardly have anytime to get her a present.

Oh, to wrap up the story, Dad ended up not threatening me with taking away Vanish rehearsals.

Crap. What am I supposed to get Amalia for her birthday? She hasn't even hinted to something that she might want. Maybe she has. I am so self focused.

I'm also screwed.


	8. Claudia

Chapter Eight: Claudia 

Tuesday June 22 10:45AM

I just spell checked my entire journal so far, and I had 209 words spelled wrong. Out of 3 days worth of entries, and none of them had been very long.

I need to remember to spell check after every entry now. I'm really glad that Janine lent me her laptop for the trip. Not that she was going anywhere this summer. Extra credit classes, how exhilarating (Make sure that one goes threw spell check).

Of course "OH MY LORD, RICO IS SOOOOOO HOOOOOOT!" didn't go so well in spell check.

Let me repeat myself, tho. RICO IS SO HOT.

Last night, I went to Vanish practice with Amalia and Maggie. I'm going with them again tonight. I can't wait.

I feel sort of weird, though. I mean, I've only had really one steady boyfriend, out of all the guys I've dated. Not that I think anything like that will happen with Rico and me. For once, thing, I'm only hear for six weeks. For another, he's sixteen. Amalia told me that it didn't matter, that she dated a 16 year old (even tho he turned out to not be very nice), and Rico doesn't think about age. Stacey's dated older guys, Amalia dated an older guy, and they're all my age, why shouldn't I?

At the break during the practice, I went up to Rico.

"Hi," I said, taking a donut (when is the need for junk food bigger than when talking to a guy?). "I'm Claudia."

"Right, you're one of Amalia's friends," he replied.

"Yeah, I am. You guys play really grate."

"Thanks." He grabbed a donut too.

And then that was over.

Okay, it wasn't much, but it was something. Maybe he was as nervous as me? Probably not, he IS older. He's probably used to girls coming up to him all the time.

After practice was over at almost 10:30, he said good-bye to me. He actually said "Good-bye, Claudia" so it wasn't like he was saying bye to my general direction.

I've already planned out my outfit for tonight:

red tank top with spaghetti straps  
black crop top (made from an old t-shirt)  
red plaid pants  
black Doc Martins (with red and white striped shoelaces)

For my jewelry, I was thinking my black velvet choker (for something a little fancy), and a pair of silver studs in my right ear, and the earring I made in the shape of a guitar in my left. I'm borrowing a studded belt from Stacey (I can't believe I only brought four belts with me!).

I really think I have the rock n' roll theme complete. I wish I'd brought the shirt with the guitar painted on it, but that's what I get for only packing three suitcases.

For now, we're going to the beach. I just bought a new bathing suit. A really cute blue one with white polka dots on it. I can't bring my laptop with me, because Janine made me swear that it wouldn't go near water. I guess that means I can't have around any bathrooms either. But it's been here in the rec room the whole time so far.

Tuesday June 22 10:05PM

I AM IN LOVE!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

I'll start from the beginning, but I had to get that out first.

Maggie called me and asked if I wanted to come to the practice, and I said yes, of course. She said asked if Dawn or someone would come along, just so I wouldn't have to be alone (Amalia is busy working with them, audition this weekend). Mary Anne said she was busy, and Dawn said that she promised her mom she'd call for a good long time. Kristy said she needed to jump start her summer reading, plus she got a little sunburnt at the beach today, and looked a little weary (She was asleep by the time we got home). I asked Stacey, who contemplated (one of my vocabulary words!) starting her summer reading too, but she decided to come along with me after I added that we get to ride in a limo.

I got dressed, and pulled my hair into five little ponytails and left the rest of it down. I covered the rubber bands with red ribbons. Then I realized that it didn't have the look I wanted, and pulled it out and left it down. It looked better.

Stacey and I compared lipstick shades, and I ended up just using a tinted lip gloss. Stacey wore... funny, I can't remember. I usually can remember everything. But Stacey did look ultra chic in black pants and a white men's tuxedo shirt. Stacey always looks like she's going to a Hollywood party.

Actually, that's what Maggie said.

"We're not going to a premiere!" she exclaimed, smiling at Stacey. I knew I looked like I was on my way to a concert, not a big party.

"Thanks," Stacey said.

We get to Rico's and go into the garage.

"Hey, you came back," Patti said to me. "Not just for the music and the good food, though?"

Oops. I was a little obvious, so I just went with it. I smiled.

"No, not just for the good music and the food."

She grinned. "Now that's what I like to hear! Maggie, you riled up the good one!" Patti leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I'll put in a good word for you."

I blushed as red as my tank top, I'm sure, but I said, "Thanks."

"And don't worry, I'll be subtle."

They start practicing, Amalia shouting encouraging things at them (Maggie mostly), and then suggesting songs for them to practice for the audition (I learned all of these terms from an old baby-sitting charge, Rosie Wilder).

"Come on, Amalia," Bruce said after almost two hours, "when are you going to give us a break?"

"Now, I guess," she replied, laughing.

I kept sitting my chair, feeling a little foolish. Stacey sat with me.

"Aren't you going to go talk to him?" she asked.

"I don't even know why I'm here," I said.

"Claudia?"

I looked up and there was Rico. My voice got stuck in my throat, and I don't think I would have even stood up if Stacey hadn't pushed me.

"Hi. Rico." I must have sounded like an idiot, but he acted cool.

"Want to go outside for a minute? For as long as slave driver Amalia will let us break, anyway."

I nodded, not trusting my voice to make coherent sounds. But I followed him outside the garage without completely making a fool of myself.

"I know you're only staying here for a few weeks, but... you seem interesting."

"So do you," I said.

Rico smiled. "I thought maybe... while you're here, we could hang out. After we get the job at the Bash- I'm thinking positive on it- I'll have a lot more free time. If you want to. Hang out, I mean."

I started to grin. "Yes! Yeah, definitely."

He started grinning too. "Great."

Their was a shout inside.

"That's Amalia. Break's over." He extended his hand to me. "Ready?"

I took it, and I felt like an electrical shock run up my arm, and we walked hand-in-hand inside the garage.

I suddenly understood why Stacey and Sunny liked older guys. Most 13 year old guys wouldn't hold your hand into a room full of his friends. And if he did, his room full of friends would start to hoot and howl like you were suddenly married or something.

When we walked back into the garage, no one said anything about it, but Stacey and Patti both grinned at me and Amalia winked. When Rico got back up with the band, Bruce leaned over and said something to him and he nodded. Bruce grinned and punched his shoulder.

Guy speak for "Congratulations."

After practice was over, before I left the garage, Rico kissed me on the cheek.

As Stacey would say I'M IN LUV!


	9. Sunny

Chapter Nine: Sunny

Thursday 6/24 12:35 PM

So things are crazy around here with the BSC here. I've mostly been hanging around with Mary Anne. She doesn't know how to put herself out there. And it seems that I put myself out there too much. But I take her (drag her?) to a bitchin' party and she acts like I'm not doing her a favor. Because of her, we go to, well. I need to start over.

She came over to my house right after I got out of the shower, and she was dressed in, what I guess she thought was hot. Jeans and a blouse. The jeans were okay, and so were the brown boots she had borrowed from Dawn. I knew those boots, I'd borrowed them before too.

"Here, try this on," I said, handing her a tank top. It was black and covered with glitter, one of my favorites.

Mary Anne didn't say anything, but she pulled off her blouse and put on the tank top. It fit her a little tight.

"Isn't it... clingy?" she asked.

"Exactly the point." I took off my robe and pulled on one of my new tank tops (the orange and blue one) and a short black skirt. I ran my finger through my wet hair. "Should I just leave it like this, or dry it?"

"Um... leave it?" Mary Anne said.

"Great." I worked out a knot with my fingers and put in a little gel. "Let me just put my makeup on, and we'll be ready to go."

"So, where is this party?"

"Out on, uh..." I waved my hand. "Wherever street."

"Where?"

"I dunno. Mary Anne, can you look in the closet for a shoe that looks like this?" I held up a black rubber boot. The cute ones that hit me about mid shin. they look great with the skirt.

Mary Anne started poking through my closet. "Sunny, don't you think you should know where a party is before you go?"

"It doesn't matter, we're being picked up," I replied.

"Ducky's taking us?"

"Ducky? No. His name is Andy. He's almost seventeen and he'll be a junior this year. I'm kinda dating him."

"Really."

I looked at her and smiled. "Mary Anne, we're fourteen years old here. It's okay to date guys who aren't our exact age. Not all the stories are true about older guys. What's the difference between dating a seventeen year old when you're fourteen than when you're seventeen? None."

"But, don't..." Mary Anne pulled my other boot out of the closet and set it on the floor next to my bed. "Don't older guys just want..."

"Sex?" I suggested. "Some do, some don't. You just have to say no, and if they don't agree, kick 'em in the balls. It works everytime." Not that any of the guys I'd gone out with hadn't stopped at no, but it sounded good.

A car horn blew outside.

"And that's him!" I pulled on my boots and grabbed Mary Anne's arm and pulled her down the stairs. Dad wasn't home, and he probably wouldn't be home all night, so I wasn't worried about that. And I knew that Dawn would cover for Mary Anne if we were really late. I didn't say that to Dawn or Mary Anne, of course.

Andy's car is this really hot blue convertible. If I had been in any other shoes, I would jumped into the front seat without opening the door, but black rain boots? Hardly jumping shoes. So I opened the door and let Mary Anne crawl into the back seat. She very carefully snapped her seat belt on. I sat in the front and gave Andy a big kiss on the lips.

Andy is just as hot as his car. Is it the brown hair? The blue eyes? I don't know, but he's hot.

"This is Mary Anne," I said as we pulled away from my house. "She's a friend of mine, I thought we'd hook her up."

Andy looked over his shoulder at Mary Anne. "No problem, love."

I love it when he calls me "love."

So we get to the party, which is at someone's house (inside, while the host is there- not making that mistake again) and Andy shoves a drink in my hand, and one in Mary Anne's. I drink it straight down, while Mary Anne takes a sip of her's and makes this FACE. I start laughing.

"What is this?" she asked.

"Just a wine cooler," Andy said.

"I'm going to get another," I said, waving my empty cup at Andy. I start to go and Mary Anne tags along after me.

"You didn't tell me there would alcohol here," she hissed.

"It's not a big deal," I said. "Just take a few sips and you'll get over the alcohol taste. It won't get you drunk, one drink. It will just relax you." And you could use the relaxing, I thought.

I got another drink, and Mary Anne was sipping her's (at least she was drinking it). I went back to Andy, and Andy had a friend, Holden, who was nearly as gorgeous as Andy.

"Mary Anne, this is Holden," Andy said. "He just turned sixteen, in my year at Vista."

Holden put his arm around Mary Anne's shoulders and led her away. Mary Anne looked a little scared, but I figured she'd be all right.

Andy and I found a free couch, set down our drinks and started kissing. I'm not a fan of PDA, but at a party, it's expected. It's not like were swapping spit in the middle of the mall where old ladies and kids can see.

After who knows how long, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I tore myself away from Andy and see Mary Anne staring at me.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I'm ready to go."

"But we just got here," I said, glancing at my watch. "It's only six-thirty."

"But I'm ready."

"This party's not any good," Andy says. "There's one out by Venice Beach that's supposed to be killer."

As we all know Venice Beach has never been my friend, but Andy's here, Mary Anne's here and I'm not planning on running away. I decided not to let Mary Anne know how far out Venice Beach is, and just agree with Andy.

We get outside and Mary Anne grabs me. "Sunny, I want to go back to Dawn's. This isn't for me. You can go if you want, but partying isn't for me."

"Mary Anne, parties are for everyone. It's not a big deal."

"I'll go, but don't send me off with some guy and leave, all right?"

I agree, and we drive out to Venice which is way faster in a car than on the bus. And this is a good thing because Mary Anne's already going "Now where is this? Where is it?"

Ugh. I can't write anymore. I can't write this.

Later Thursday 2:40 PM

The party in Venice is way smaller than the one in Palo City. There were probably only about thirty people there, instead of like a hundred. Everyone's more relaxed and laid back. I'm hoping that this will calm down Mary Anne, but it doesn't seem to.

"They're smoking pot!" she hissed at me.

I've been around my fair share of drinking, whatever, but I haven't been around people doing drugs. I've been around people on drugs, at school, but never in the process of using them. However, to save face, I acted like it was a normal thing.

"It's fine," I snapped. I went to find something to drink, which I had to root around through this person's refrigerator to find a six pack of beer. I'd never had beer before, so I grabbed three (I doubted Mary Anne would have one, but she drank the wine cooler, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt).

"Is this alcoholic?" Mary Anne asked.

"No, it's root beer," I said. Mary Anne was annoying me. I was doing her a favor and she was driving me nuts.

I gave Andy his, and he seemed to enjoy it, so I took a sip of mine. For one, beer is the grossest thing I've ever tasted. I like mixed drinks and wine coolers, but beer is disgusting. I drank the whole thing somehow, but it took me a while. I don't know if Mary Anne drank any of her's.

"Come on..." Andy said, grabbing my arm. He pulled me into an empty bedroom (empty of people, not furniture). We sit down on the bed.

"What?" I asked.

"I kinda got the feeling your friend wasn't... being much of a friend," Andy said.

He's very perceptive.

"She broke up with her boyfriend, so I'm trying to get her to back in the game."

"I can't believe a girl like that even got a boyfriend." Andy stopped seeming so interested in Mary Anne, and much more interested in the really soft spot on my neck. For a few minutes, it's okay, and as he's feeling me up, I realized that his comment about Mary Anne is bothering me.

Am I going to mention this? Of course not. Besides, he really knows how to touch a girl. Younger guys (well, my age) just knead like breasts are bread. Older guys know how to touch you where it actually feels good. I lay my head back and let him work, and after a minutes I'm bored. I can't SAY I'm bored, because then he'll want to go further, and while I don't mind guys touching me, I'm only fourteen here. I'm not anywhere near ready to go all the way. Especially not with some high school guy.

He's pushed up my skirt and is rubbing my thigh, slowly moving to the inside of my thigh, and I sit up.

"Andy, I'm ready to go."

"Oh, come on, Sunny. You want to go back home? When we're at a party?"

"I'm just not ready for this." I move my hand back and forth between us. He finally moves his hand away from my thigh.

"Damnit." Andy stands up. "They told me not to date some thirteen year old."

"Excuse me?" I stand up too. "For one thing I'm fourteen, and another, who told you not to go out with me?"

"You? They didn't say anything about you. I was just told that you were easy. When you brought your friend along, I thought the evening was going to be even better."

"Easy? I date around, but I'm not easy!"

"Brock told me you went down on him!"

"I've never done that in my life," I snap. "Andy, take me home."

"Whatever. There's gotta be some girl here who's interested in getting it in the back seat of my convertible."

He leaves, and now I'm pissed. I go out into the living where Mary Anne is sitting in a corner. I grab her arm. "We're getting out of here."

We go outside, and it's dusk. "We need to find a pay phone," I said. I'm shooting myself for leaving my cell phone.

Then Mary Anne pulled a cell phone out of her pocket. "Or this."

I take it from her and call Ducky. I ask him to pick us up, and give him the address. He doesn't sound too happy, but he says he's coming.

"What happened with Andy?" Mary Anne asked. Most people would be acting haughty or snotty with me, but she sounds concerned, and gentle. Which is why I answered her.

"He heard a lot of untrue rumors about me," I replied. "Things I didn't know were going around. Like I'm a slut and I'm easy."

"Why do you think that goes around?"

I sat down on the curb. "I dunno. I date a lot of guys, but none of them get past second base."

"Second base?"

"You know, nothing below the waist. Andy was getting there, though," I grumble, still pissed.

"I dated Logan for almost a year and we never went past open mouth kissing."

I look at for a long moment and I asked, "Did you ever wonder if Logan was gay?"

She started laughing. "No, it never crossed my mind until now. But now I'm curious."

I start laughing too. "I'm sorry I dragged you here."

"Well, I realize that your heart was in the right place," Mary Anne said. "Mostly... Sunny, you're so confident. But I'm not. And sending me away with some guy, or shoving drinks at me isn't going to help me meet a guy."

"I guess not." Now I'm just feeling stupid.

"But the idea is good. I don't go places like that."

I gave her a funny look. "You mean... you want to come out with me again?"

"Sure." She shrugged. "Just not with Andy, or weird high school guys."

"I promise no Andy, but not older guys."

"I'll take what I can get."

We walked across the street to the 7 Eleven and got sodas while we waited for Ducky. He arrived and hinted that he wanted me to tell him what happened until I did.

"Sunny," he said.

"What?" I replied innocently.

"I'm worried about you," he said.

"See, you should have just dated me, and then there'd be nothing to worry about," I quipped. I was joking, but Ducky got the weirdest look on his face. "What is it?"

"Nothing," he muttered.

I knew how hard it was to tell him my not-so-great stuff, and I decided to be the big one and not make him tell me. I could get it out of him later. Besides, if he was doing something bad, I wasn't in a place to lecture. But what? I let it go.

"Our little secret, right?" I asked Mary Anne, when Ducky got us to Dawn's curb.

"I won't lie, but... I won't say anything direct unless she asks," Mary Anne said.

I agreed and thanked her. We give Ducky a hug and a thank you, and told me to stay out of trouble and told him to do the same.

Out of the car, I gave Mary Anne a hug. "Tonight was... strangely fun."

"It was. What next?" She grinned.

I grinned too.

The phone's ringing. 


	10. Stacey: Chapter Two

Chapter Ten: Stacey 

Very Late June 24th

This vacation is sort of turning out like being in Stoneybrook, except with new people. And Disneyland, party at Maggie's, movies with Carol, it's all about the same. Except... no Disneyland, not a party at a Hollywood mansion, and I wouldn't have been with Carol.

So... maybe it's not the same, but oh well.

Yesterday we went to the beach again. I went surfing, but no more surfing buddies or wild rides. But it was fun, and I hadn't forgotten much of what I learned the last time. It was cool. I couldn't do that in Stoneybrook.

Right now, if I were in Stoneybrook I wouldn't be at a parentless house with Kristy, Sunny, and Ducky and Ducky's brother. It's actually Ducky's house, but his parents don't live here. They live somewhere in Ghandi or Ghana or something, and he lives here with his brother.

So mom would freak if she knew I was here like this. Not that anything is going on. We've just been up talking and eating pizza. (well, they ate pizza, I had had vegetables and sugar free applesauce because we didn't know how much sugar was in the pizza sauce and it's not worth the risk with my diabetes) But then again, there's the topics we talked about that my mom would faint to think that I knew about, let alone have done. I don't apologize for the things I've done, but I'd prefer if my mother didn't know about them.

Ducky's car was out of gas and he didn't have any money, so he invited us over just to hang out and watch movies or whatever. Almost everyone had plans. Claudia was going out with Rico on their first real date, Dawn was doing something with her family, and Mary Anne was going along, even though Dawn and Mary Anne are sort of fighting, I think. Things are tense. I don't know about the rest of Dawn's friends, I think Maggie had some movie premiere or something (which is really fresh in itself).

Anyway, off to Ducky's and we made pizza and I chopped carrots and broccoli for myself.

"Surprising that it's not covered in mold," Ducky quipped. "Ted isn't the biggest fan of cleaning out the fridge, and well... me either."

"This milk is bad," Kristy said, wrinkling her nose at the open carton of milk. She threw it away. "Smells like lunch at SMS."

"Yuck," I said.

"Lunches at Vista aren't bad. It's better at the high school than at the middle school," Sunny said. "As Dawn would say "the vegetarian meal is better than the meals with those cow carcasses.""

I feel sort of bad, but I laugh anyway.

"You mean people out here eat meat?" Kristy asked. "Because Dawn always gave me the impression that every single person who live in California are vegetarians."

"There are tons of meat-eaters out here. Dawn just wishes that everyone would save the cows. Ducky eats all kinds of meat, don't you?" Sunny said, looking to Ducky.

He holds up the bowl of hamburger he's defrosting. "Mmmm, meat. A manly man's best friend."

We all crack up, but then Sunny looks at Ducky in a very sharp way.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he replied, not sounding fine, even to my hardly knowing himness.

"No, you're not," Sunny said in a very matter-of-fact tone. "What's up?"

"Nada. Set the oven to 325, will you?"

"Nada? Ducky, tell me."

I sort of grabbed Kristy. "We can go into the other room, if you guys want some privacy," I said, backing out of the kitchen.

"No," Ducky said. "It's okay."

I stopped. I was really hoping he'd say that, because I was dying to know what was going on. I could tell Kristy did too, and she would have stood there if I hadn't moved her. She's only just that tactful.

"Sunny, you weren't there when Justin came out," Ducky said.

"No, but I heard about it," she replied. "Maggie told me."

"When he said that, something happened. Something..."

Sunny paused and suddenly seemed to catch onto the fact that Ducky's completely gay. Didn't I mention that on the day we arrived? Of course I did. Maybe it was just my outside point of view and Sunny was too close.

"You're... bi?" Sunny said.

"I'm something," Ducky said. "I don't know. I've never really liked girls or anyone, but when Justin came out, I felt something really weird."

"Like you have a crush on Justin?" Kristy blurted out.

I could have smacked her. Kristy is so tactless.

Ducky didn't look shocked, in fact, he looked a little but more surprised that it was a near stranger who said it instead of Sunny, but it seemed that Sunny just couldn't say it. He shrugged and sort of smiled. "I guess that's what I'm trying to say. And to top it off, I sort of think that Justin might... like me too."

"This is too weird," Sunny said. "You know me, Ducky, I'm all for being with whoever you want, but... I've never even thought about it. And it's a little shocking. Not being gay, but, that you. Are."

"It's okay, Sunny," he said. "I'm still sort of working through it. I don't even know what I am. I never do."

She gave him a hug. "You're still my Ducky, right?"

He grinned. "Right."

"Then what are we talking about? We have a pizza to fix!"

Okay, my hand hurts. I'll be back.

Very Early June 25th

Everyone is asleep, I'm still at Ducky's. Sunny told Dawn that if anyone asks, we're at her house. Dawn's Dad is a little weird about Ducky, and I'm sure there's a big long story about it, but I don't know what it is.

Anyway, we ate our pizza and vegetables and holed up in Ducky's room because his brother came home and made cracks about Ducky's harem and then started hitting on me. We excused ourselves quickly to Ducky's room.

Sunny and Ducky were leaning against each other on his bed, and I was against the wall. Kristy wasn't on the bed, but sitting backwards in a desk chair. I brought my leftover veggies with us and we were snacking on them.

"So," Sunny said, "it turns out the upperclassmen think I'm a slut. And there's this rumor that I went down on Brock what's his face that I went out with on one date. But if there was any guy I would, it would have been him. Sagebrush Grille? Hello, yes."

"Sunny," Ducky said. "You're kidding me, right? You would have?"

"Maybe."

"What's, uh..." Kristy started.

"Going down?" Sunny said. "It's when you suck a guy's penis to get him off."

"Ew."

Sunny laughed. "I don't think it's that's bad. I've never done it and I don't know anyone who has. Maybe I should talk to the upperclasswomen. I'll bet they know."

"It's not horrible," I said. I could have shot myself. I've never told ANYONE that I've done this, not even Claudia. And here I was, telling people I barely knew and Kristy.

Every head turned to me.

"What?" Sunny asked, her eyes glowing. "You've gone down on a guy?"

"Yeah, it's not that bad. Not wonderful, but... you know." I was probably blushing like a red balloon.

"Who?" Kristy the tact queen asked.

"Ethan," I replied. "And..." I was then unable to look at her. I stared at Ducky's bed.

"Oh my Lord, no," she said. "Not..."

"Yeah," I muttered.

"Who?" Ducky asked.

"Sam. Kristy's older brother."

"Oooh!" Ducky and Sunny cried in unison.

"Just once!" I defended. "On Sam. Twice on Ethan. But it didn't help either relationship last, so it's not anything to use for that motive. I've never done anything further than that."

Kristy looked like she was going to puke, and Ducky and Sunny enjoyed the gossip. Sunny wanted the details, and Ducky tried to get her to leave me alone, but I could tell he was as gossipy as she was.

"You guys have to promise not to tell anyone," I said. "I've never told anyone about it, and I swore Sam to secrecy, so that's why SHS doesn't think I'm a big slut and easy."

"Believe me, I won't think about it," Kristy muttered.

"Scout's Honor," Ducky promised.

Sunny didn't promise, she gave me a very long look. "What does it taste like?"

Ducky hit her with a pillow. "You can't ask that!"

Kristy covered her face and I was blushing again, but I tried to give a mature response.

"We, uh, used condoms. It tasted like mint. Rubbery mint."

Sunny and Ducky started laughing and this time so did Kristy, and I joined them.

"Honestly," I continued, "it's not a huge deal."

"Whatever," Sunny said.

We went into Ducky's parents' room where they have a TV and dvd player and watched some godawful horror movie, and we threw around stories from camp, and our childhoods (childrenhood?) and stuff. Sunny sort of stayed out of it, I guess not wanting to talk about her Mom. Finally, around 11:30, we go to bed, deciding to just stay the night, rather than walk home in the dark (Dawn's house is very quickly becoming "home").

Kristy and I stayed in Ducky's parents' room, and Sunny and Ducky shared his bed, after Ducky gave us some clothes to sleep in. I was out in the living room writing, but Ted came out and starting putting on his suave moves in his t-shirt and boxers (the key to a girl's heart). I tried to to humor him, and then finally I said, rather loudly, "I'm fourteen."

He shut up.

I'll need to mention that to Kristy tomorrow. She'll get a kick out of it. I'm going to bed now. It's nearly 1 AM.


	11. Dawn: Chapter Two

Chapter Eleven: Dawn 

June 25th

Well, my friends have been here for just less than a week. My world hasn't crashed to the ground. No one is shocked that my life isn't exactly what I've been portraying. Except for Mary Anne. She's not shocked, just... hurt.

Sweet Mary Anne knows how to be so cold when we're fighting. Now, she hasn't been giving me the silent treatment, I think because she IS on vacation, and she's TRYING to have a good time. And fighting with me isn't part of a good time.

We're not really fighting. Just not speaking on regular terms.

Yesterday was Carol's family reunion. A lot of her family live up north, but some of them flew in from Maine, Colorado, and Texas for this. This is why they only have the family reunions every five years.

I've never been to a family reunion before. Dad's family all live nearby so I see them routinely, and Mom's family is so tiny that our family reunion could take place in my living room.

Carol's family is huge. I had no idea of this going into it, so I asked Dad if Mary Anne could come along. Considering that we had no idea what it was going to be like, and, in a very far off way, Mary Anne was family. She's my family anyway.

Dad was reluctant, but he agreed when Carol pointed out that we had no idea if anyone my age would be there. She hadn't seen most of her relatives since the last reunion. She hadn't seen her parents or one of her sister's since she and Dad got married. (Her other sister lives in Maine, I think it was, and her brother lives in Iowa. They're all spread out, so Carol was really looking forward to this.)

So Mary Anne came along with us (In the pollute-mobile) and we drove an hour and a half up north. I got introduced to a lot of people, and I introduced Mary Anne to a lot of people, and they were all really sweet.

We met Lena, Carol's niece (my step-cousin, I guess), who's twelve and is really cool. She was the one introducing us to people, and we spent most of the day with her. Mary Anne and I both exchanged email addresses with her.

The food was great. The three bean salad was to die for. Mary Anne said that BBQ ribs were fantastic, but I just took her word on it. (Ew.)

We got home late and Claudia was the only one there. She left a note saying that everyone else was spending the night at Sunny's.

The next morning, Mary Anne and I grilled Claudia about her date with Rico.

"It was... fun," Claudia admitted, blushing.

"Fun? Just fun?" I asked.

"We had a great time. We went to the movies, and it was horrible, so ended up leaving early and we went out to eat and we never ran out of things to talk about. We talked about music and art, and movies. It was so wonderful."

She seemed a lot more excited by the time she finished telling us. I grinned at her.

"You two totally kissed."

Claud was still blushing, but she grinned too. "Totally."

I'm really happy for Claud. It sounds like Stacey and Kristy are back.

Later the 25th

Mary Anne is so infuriating!

We're having a great time putting Gracie down for her nap. The easiest way to soften Mary Anne - get babies involved. We picked out a cute sleeper, and all of this. It was fun. Then... I don't know what happened.

Mary Anne was leaning over Gracie's crib. "You know, sometimes I wish I had a baby."

I raised my eyebrows. "Remember the egg project?"

"Oh, yeah, that. Well, it wouldn't be with Logan. he's going to have to find someone more patient than me to raise kids with. He was so overprotective. And that's coming from me."

"Good luck, Logan," I said.

Mary Anne smiled. "I know that I wouldn't, and it's not practical, between school and all, but I'd like a baby."

"That's just the hormones talking," I commented. "You know, from when girls were married at twelve to forty year old guys. It's part of women to want babies, even from a young age."

"So you're an expert on teen pregnancy now? I guess high school does that to you."

I blinked. I had no idea where she was coming from. "What?"

"I mean, being in the high school building for one extra year would make teen pregnancy an everyday part of your life, wouldn't it? Because you obviously know so much more than us."

"Mary Anne, you're taking this the wrong way!" I said, trying to keep my voice down.

"Am I? Or maybe I'm, but I've just been keeping from you what I understand!" She stormed out of the room. Luckily Gracie slept through the whole thing.

Looking back on it, what Mary Anne said there made no sense whatsoever. But I know what she meant. I can't figure her out. We're fine one moment, and yelling at each other the next. We haven't fought like this since Mom and Richard first got married.

Is Mary Anne jealous of me? Because I live a more "adult" lifestyle? Mary Anne has always desired to be sophisticated and adult. Is that why she's acting this way? Or is still because I kept things from her?

I still sort of want to be mad at Ducky for telling her, but how can you be mad at Ducky? It's not like he knew. It's not like I told everyone that there were things we can't tell my friends. If it was that bad, I would have just not invited them at all.

Speaking of Ducky, it turned out that Kristy and Stacey (and Sunny) spent the night at his house. The Sunny's house cover was for Dad's sake.

"Ducky came out to Sunny last night," Stacey said.

"What?" I stared at her.

"He's bi or gay or something. Either way, I told you he wasn't straight."

"That's sort of weird." But I didn't mean about Ducky. Not exactly.

Stacey gave me a strange look. "You're not homophobic, are you, Dawn? Because you're the last person in the world I would have ever thought-"

"No! That's not what I meant. I mean that it's weird you have to cover staying at Ducky's when, even to people who don't know him, he's harmless to a girl."

"His house isn't though. His brother kept hitting on me until I told him that I was fourteen. That shut him up."

I laughed. I've never met Ducky's brother, but Maggie and Sunny have. Cute (like Ducky), but creepy. (Unlike Ducky)

It's late. I think I'm going to go to bed. I wish I could figure out this Mary Anne thing. I wish she would just tell me what the deal was. And I wish I could stop feeling like crap because she's probably right.


	12. Kristy: Chapter Two

Chapter Twelve: Kristy

June 26th

I feel like all I ever do is write about how tired I am. Coming to CA, getting sunburnt, and now I just spent all day at Bash auditions. I'm so wiped out, but if I don't write now, I never will. How many entries have I had this week? Four? Mary Anne is writing in her journal constantly.

So I really like Vanish. I hope they get in. If the people who decide what bands get in just want music that they play on pop radio, they have more than enough choices. How many U4ME wannabe bands were there?

I just asked that to Claudia and she said twenty zillion.

Claudia and went along with Amalia and the band to the audition. We tried to get Mary Anne to come with us, but she said it wasn't her thing. Then she muttered something about Sunny, but I don't know what's going on with the two of them. They've been going out together a lot. I guess they've become friends, which is cool.

Sunny is the one of Dawn's friends that I've spent the least amount of time with since we've been out here. If she's not out with some weird guy, she's out with Mary Anne. That night at Ducky's was the only amount of time we spent together. I don't know why I really thought about it.

Getting ready to go to the auditions (Just the auditions, not the Bash itself for crying out loud) was a crazy ordeal. I don't know what to think of all of this.

"Kristy, you're not wearing that, are you?"

I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. "What? Did you expect me to wear something else?"

Claud was wearing black pants, and a silky blue tank top. You could see her bra straps showing. (Was I wearing a bra? Of course not.) She wore big silver hoop earrings and three silver chains around her neck, all different lengths. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail. So was mine. I don't see what the problem was.

She sighed, exasperated. She went and dug some clothes out of her suitcases. She came back, thrusting clothes at me. "Just put this on."

"It's not uncomfortable, is it?" I asked.

"No. Get dressed."

I wrinkled my nose at the ribbed black and red striped tank top I was wearing, along with jeans with very deliberate rips in them. Why rip your jeans when, if you wear them enough, they'll get holes in them anyway? I just got over sunburn, was Claud expecting me to deal with it again? I grabbed my sunscreen.

Claud looked at me approvingly.

Stacey walked into the room. She stared at me. "Kristy, I don't know if you want to hear this, but..."

"I know, I look weird. Claudia, can I please wear my own clothes?"

"No, it's not that," Stacey assured me. "It's just that... Kristy, when were you thinking of buying a bra?"

"When I had a reason to?"

Stacey and Claudia exchanged a look. Stacey smiled. "You're getting a reason to."

"What?" I looked down. "It's just the shirt!"

"No, it's all those baggy t-shirts you wear. That's why I never noticed," Stace continued. "All it took was for you to wear something remotely clingy. You're getting boobs."

"No, I'm not!" I protested. However, I knew that Stacey was right. I'd been sort of denying it for a while. But I didn't know when I should be so concerned that I should get a bra. I know I should have talked it over with Mom, but we left before I had a chance.

"I'm going to talk to Carol before I leave," Stacey said. "And tomorrow we're going shopping."

I started to protest, but Claud cut me off.

"Where are you going?"

"Oh, out with Ducky and Dawn. He's trying to convince Sunny to come with us, but she's dragging Mary Anne to some party, I think."

Interesting.

A car horn beeped outside. "That's Rico," Claud said, grabbing my arm. Outside was a white work van, followed by a blue car.

Rico poked his head out the driver's side of the car. "You girls ready to support the band?"

Claudia ran over to the car and slid in the front seat next to him. They kissed, and I took an interest in the sky.

"Come on, Kristy!" Amalia said from the passenger seat of the van. "You can ride in here with Bruce and me. Patti and Maggie can deal with the smoochers."

I climbed into the van, and Amalia slid into the middle of the bench seat, letting me sit on the end.

I looked into the back of the van, and there were speakers and the drum set and guitar cases. "Is that everything?"

"Pretty much," Amalia said.

"We don't actually need the amps, but Amalia thought it was better safe than sorry. Now we just have the issue of finding Justin when we get there," Bruce said. "He insisted on driving his own car. He's been acting so weird ever since he came out. Like it's a huge deal or something."

"I don't know," Amalia said. "Haven't we been supportive?"

"We have. Maggie hasn't," Bruce said.

"What?" I said. "I was there, they seemed fine."

"Oh they seem fine," he continued, "and Maggie seems fine, but she's not. She thinks that Justin's being bi is her fault. Like he wouldn't have even considered guys if she had been better."

"Why, thank you Dr. Freud," Amalia said. "Did she tell you that?"

"No. Hasn't she talked about it with you?"

"Not at all. She hasn't even brought up the subject of Justin in ages."

Bruce shrugged. "You can see it on her face. You can see it when she looks at him."

"Have you talked to him about it?" Amalia asked.

"Naw. I don't see any real reason to. It's not like he's any different. I don't know what brought it on, but he's not acting like he's, you know, interested in a guy. Not that it would matter, you know. If he was."

Do you know how hard it was to keep my mouth closed about what Ducky had to say about Justin? Keeping my mouth closed isn't exactly my strong point.

Amalia looked at her watch. "Bruuuuuuuuuce, are we going to get there on time?"

"We're early. We're going to get there half an hour early."

We got there on time. We found Justin (or, more like it, Justin found us), and Amalia found out when they were auditioning, which was going to be in two hours. So there was lots of sitting around and meeting other bands.

List of the bands I met: Vanity Unleashed, Rubber Coated Pill, Modern Day Romeo, Lime, Squishy Fish, Raquel and the Moans, and Hipper.

Bands have the weirdest names. However, these were the cool bands that Bruce and Patti knew members of. There were a bunch of pop groups that sang to pre-recorded music and did dances and looked stupid. They also all appeared to be eight years old. Amalia said they were more like twelve and thirteen, but the group of stage moms on the side begged to differ.

Bruce said that they try to get a varied group of music at the Bash, and that one of the pop groups were sure to be in, but the rock bands had just as much of a chance.

I need a computer like Claud brought.

June 27th

I went shopping with Stacey and Carol today for a bra. I called Mom about it, and she said it was great, and she started crying about how her girl was growing up. I reminded her that she had Karen who would want a bra in about two months. She laughed at me.

So Stace and I went out with Carol to the mall for one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life. We went to the lingerie department of a department store and met the clerk, Derby, who was really nice, until she pulled out a TAPE MEASURE.

She measured me in various places until she deemed me a 30 A.

"Is that bad?" I asked.

"You're still growing. Some girl grow up until their mid-twenties, and then with pregnancies and the like, breasts are always changing."

Greeeeeat.

So I came back with a plain white sports bra (my choice). Stacey tried to convince me to get a black lacy bra, until I asked her who would see it. She said something about how it was the pleasure of knowing you're wearing something pretty.

"Then what am I going to do with it?" I asked.

She was quiet on the pretty bra subject after that.

Back to yesterday, though.

We waited and waited, and ate food from nearby fast food restaurants, and then finally, it was Vanish's turn to go up.

Claud and I held hands as Amalia pep-talked the band. Then she came over to where we were (just off the back of the stage. Amalia had put us on the list), and was silent while Vanish played.

I thought they were pretty good. Maggie was in tune (for as much as I know about music), they didn't seem to screw up at anytime. When they were done, Maggie did nothing but beat herself up over it. Amalia and I tried to convince her that she was great. Claudia was busy talking to Rico (which is getting ridiculous, if you ask me).

"We won't know until Monday if we're in," Amalia said on the way back. "They'll be calling me, so I'm not going anywhere Monday. I ever asked off work."

I looked at my shoulder. "Do I look sunburnt to you?"

"A little," she replied.

I tilted my head back. "Crap."

Now, I'm going to pretend to sleep before Dawn and Stacey try to get me to go to the beach with Sunny. I heard them talking about it while I was writing this. I'm not going out in the sun again. I don't know where the sunburn thing is coming from, but it sucks. 


	13. Mary Anne: Chapter Two

Chapter Thirteen: Mary Anne

June 27th 1:49 PM

I can't believe I slept so late. Honestly, I can't believe I stayed out so late. I ended up staying the night at Sunny's, because I wasn't about to sneak into Dawn's house. I just called around ten and told Carol where I was staying.

I feel like I was lying. I wasn't lying, though. I did spent the night at Sunny's. Well, part of the night. I didn't know at ten o'clock that Sunny and I wouldn't be at her house until FIVE IN THE MORNING.

It was like going out on a weekend night meant one big slew of parties. Maybe middle school kept me blinded, or that just doesn't happen in Stoneybrook. Sunny insists that all night parties happen in Stoneybrook, I'm just not aware of them. But I will be.

I went over to her house around seven-thirty. I was wearing jeans and a purple baby doll tee that I borrowed from Stacey. I was hoping that Sunny wouldn't re-dress me. However, she did.

"Mary Aaaaaaane," she whined, "this is a beach party! You can't wear that!"

"Beach?"

"Summertiiiiime, and the living is easy!" Sunny sang at me. "Did you bring a bathing suit? Never mind, you can borrow one of mine." She thrust a bikini at me.

"I'm not going to wear a bikini," I said. "The one time I did, I got sunburnt. I have really sensitive skin."

"It's the evening. You'll never be in direct sunlight. I have sun block as well. You can't wear those shoes either. I've got flip flops you can wear."

Then imagine me trying say something in between every other word. I did not succeed. This is how I ended up wearing a blue bikini, ripped up jean shorts and a sheer black cover up that was like a robe except it didn't have a sash. It just sort of hung there, and was generally useless.

Sunny was wearing a much more revealing black bikini (top and bottom) with a pirate skull on the rear. She didn't wear any shorts, but had a sheer red cover up that was a skirt. She didn't wear a single thing over the top part of her body.

"Are we walking to the beach?" I asked, afraid that she was going to have another weird guy to drive us there. However, she did.

"No, Derek is driving us. He's sixteen, going to be a junior."

"Another one of your boyfriends?" I asked. I couldn't help but be a little sarcastic. After what happened with Andy, I was skeptical.

"Derek? No way!" Sunny laughed. "I thought that the two of you would hit it off. He's a friend of a friend."

Yeah right, I thought.

We were waiting outside in the sunshine, when a regular old sedan pulled up the curb. "Hey, Sunny!"

We got into the car, and Sunny made me sit in the front seat. I had to admit that Derek was pretty cute. He was pretty big in build and had reddish blonde hair and blue eyes, and these great dimples when he smiled. Freckles were scattered all over his nose and cheeks.

"You must be Mary Anne," he said. "Derek Thompson."

"Derek was on the honor roll," Sunny added.

"I try to be modest," he replied.

We drove to the beach, and there were a bunch of people playing volleyball, and some girls were still sunbathing. A bunch of people were out surfing.

"Have you ever been surfing?" Derek asked me.

"No," I replied. "I'm not really... athletic."

I thought that he would be disappointed. Like he wouldn't be interested in a girl who wasn't into sports or something. But he wasn't.

There was a grill running, and Derek and I got hot dogs. Sunny opted for a tofu dog thing.

We hung out in the sunshine (Sunny was right, sun block and the evening sun, I was fine) for a while, talking and laughing and goofing around. It was a really great time. Sunny was constantly giving me looks that said very clear messages of "Looook! I found you a guuuuuy!"

That wasn't really true. Not really. Kinda. Sort of.

Derek and I went swimming, but the sun was starting to set and it was really cold. It was fun, though. He's a big surfer guy, so he was used to the ocean. I wasn't, so I kept getting pulled out in the currents, so he had to hold onto me. I kept blushing.

After the sun set Sunny found a group of surfers that came onto the shore. She had dropped her cover up somewhere, no idea where it was, but she had it when we left the beach. She was flirting up a storm.

Someone started a huge bonfire (I brought up the "no open fires" sign to Derek, but he said that open fires happen) and huge bags of marshmallows were passed around. Whoever set this up really thought it through.

"You cold?" Derek asked as I edged closer to the fire. I was sitting on the towel Derek had gotten out of the trunk of his car. I didn't want to get my butt all covered in sand. Especially not in the tiny bikini that Dad would kill me if he saw me in. Especially without wearing the shorts.

"A little bit," I said. After the inability to swim properly in the ocean and not surfing I didn't want to seem wimpy.

He scooted closer to me and put his arm around my shoulders. "That better?"

I grinned like an idiot. "Yeah, that's better."

At ten, the party was dying down, and that's when I called Carol. I figured that we'd be at Sunny's around eleven or so. We were planning on going back to Derek's house with this guy that Sunny picked up at the beach.

So Derek drove us back to his house.

"Mom? You home?" he called as we walked inside.

"In here!"

Sitting in the living room was a friendly looking woman who couldn't have been more than thirty-five. She looked way too young to have a sixteen year old son.

Ms. Thompson was really sweet. She got us all sodas, and got me a big t-shirt to wear over my suit, and then left us alone in the basement. Sunny and her guy (I think his name was Cody, but I'm not sure) found a dark corner to make out in.

Ignoring them, Derek and I had a movie on, but we weren't really paying attention. He asked me about Connecticut, and I told him about how Dawn and I got our parents (back) together, and about the BSC.

Derek told me about surfing and how surfing is universal. He has friends that are as young as nine and as old as fifty-eight, all through surfing.

Somewhere in there he kissed me. And I kissed him back. It was weird. I hadn't kissed anyone but Logan in so long, having some guy I just met a few hours before kissing me... it was just odd. But nice.

After almost an hour, Sunny was screaming at her date, and he left, and Sunny was in a huff.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked.

"No, not really. Since things are going so well for you," she said. "And that's why we're here, right?"

"It's not going to be fun if you're not having fun too."

"Who says that three's a crowd?" Derek asked, interrupting our whisper conversation. "Sunny, pick out a movie. I'll go make some popcorn and get you something to wear." He went upstairs.

"Oh, I did good, right?" Sunny asked.

I hemmed and hawed for a minute, but I had to give in. "Yeah, he's really sweet."

Derek came back down with a shirt for Sunny and a big bowl of popcorn.

We watched Big Fish and then put in Van Helsing, but I fell asleep halfway through it. It turns out so did Sunny and Derek, because I wake up at quarter to five with Derek gently prodding me.

"Mary Anne, we fell asleep. It's really late, I need to get you home."

"You're taking me to Connecticut?" I asked drowsily.

"No, back to my house," Sunny said. She sounded keyed up.

I sat up and Derek told me what time it was and I almost fainted. Derek drove us to Sunny's, and we had to sneak in because her Dad was home. Sunny was certain that he hadn't noticed she was gone, or he'd still be awake. It was a lot easier to sneak around one person than Mr. Schafer, Carol, and all of my friends.

Sunny rolled out a sleeping bag for me. "Did you have a good time, Mary Anne?"

I did. I truly did.

June 27th 8:35PM

Why did Kristy tell me just NOW that she brought a bra? This is monumental. A real BSC moment. And did anyone tell me? Nope. I had to catch her changing.

"I don't want to make a big deal about it," Kristy said.

Hmph. Doesn't ANYONE tell me anything anymore? 


	14. Amalia: Chapter Two

Chapter Fourteen: Amalia

6/28

I've been sitting by the phone all day. It's driving me crazy. I had to get you, Nbook, or I'd probably go insane.

I'm at breakfast, and the first thing I ask is if I've gotten any phone calls. No, no, no. Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zero. And we haven't gotten any calls since.

Well, not true. One wrong number. Big Tooth Lover Boy. Mami's cousin. WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO BE ON THE PHONE TODAY?

Luckily Mami and Papi have been great about keeping their calls short. Saint Isabel probably wouldn't have, but she's been at work all day. I told Big Tooth Lover Boy to call her there. She can tie up someone else's phone line.

Last night I talked to Rico about the Bash, even though I really wanted to talk about how he and Claudia are getting along. He caught on very quickly. He's very perceptive. For a guy.

"Claud and I went out again last night. Since we don't have grueling practices anymore," he remarks.

"Only until we get in. Then it's horrible spending time with your friends doing what you love every night of the week," I reply. Of course I get him off the subject I REALLY want to talk about. Which is typical of me.

We talk some more, but never get back onto the subject of Claudia. Besides, I'm being nosy. Claudia and I are becoming pretty good friends, if she wants to tell me, she will. He's acting like they've been together for ages, and it's normal and casual and fine. But who knows with boys?

Until I can talk to Claud I'll

5 minutes later...

Sorry about that, Nbook. Phone rang. Magazine subscription. I had to practically yell at them to tell them that I didn't want their stupid magazine, and the phone needed to be free.

It's after three. Does that mean that we're not in? Am I simply stuck waiting all day until it finally sets in that we're not in? We did great. Maggie was perfect, even though she doesn't think so, but she never does (Note to self: Continue to boost Maggie's ego. She deserves it).

Oh, I totally forgot about this. After I'm off the phone with Rico, Mami comes into my room and asks me what I want for my birthday.

My birthday? I'd completely forgotten that my fourteenth birthday was so close. I told her that whatever she got was fine, but I dropped the names of a few CDs, and mentioned that I liked those jeans in the window of the Style Shack. Parents hate it when you actually tell them what you want, but tell them whatever is fine. You have to be subtle.

Really what I want for my birthday is for Vanish to get into the Bash. Not that Mami can get that for me, but it's worth a shot.

It's the phone again. Cross your fingers, Nbook. Well, you don't have fingers... nevermind.

AUGHHHH! OH MY GOD! HOLY CRAP! YESSSSSSS!

VANISH IS GOING TO BE PLAYING AT THE 4TH OF JULY BASH!

$300. Exposure.

This is it. This will be Vanish's big break. Everyone in Palo City will hear and know the name VANISH.

I have to call Maggie. And Rico. And Bruce. And EVERYONE.

Later

Everyone is just as excited as I am. And now I have a zillion things to do. Coordinating outfits? What songs should they play? We have a forty-five minute set. We have more than enough songs for that. Should we write new songs? Or just keep the classics?

The Bash guy told me that we're going on third - right before the national band. Which is a HUGE DEAL. Maggie said on the phone that they put on the best band they heard LAST. As to sound the best next to the national band. Still no clue on who that band IS. She also said that it was a surprise.

I'M SO EXCITED!

6/29

Breathe, Vargas. You don't have to deal with that creep anymore.

I thought this was over. I thought I didn't have to deal with this anymore. I thought he moved on.

I'm innocently sitting at practice. Claud is sitting next to me drawing a picture of the band. Her drawing is amazing. And it's just a sketch! Remember the New Year's picture I drew? Nothing like it, every picture actually looks like the guys.

The guys are playing This is War and they sound fantastic. Even if they're already IN the Bash, they need to sound better than ever. And they do. After the Bash, I'm planning on giving them a vacation. If we don't have a billion record deals coming in from every which way.

I'm writing down possible set lists for the Bash to bring up to the band, and suddenly the music stops. I look up, wondering what the matter was. Before I conceive that someone else has walked into the garage, Rico says, "What are you doing here?"

Finally, I look over, and there's James standing in the doorway.

I stand up, and Rico and Bruce are already taking off their guitars. I suppose not to damage them when they get into a fist fight.

"Hey, I'm not looking for a fight," James says. "I saw you guys at the Bash auditions."

"Who are you stalking now?" Bruce snaps.

"No one. My band auditioned too."

"Your band? I ask despite myself. I wasn't going to say anything unless he spoke to me, but I was surprised.

He looks at me. "Hey, Amalia. And, yeah, my band. We just got together a couple weeks back. No big school shows or anything just yet."

"Found any girls for stalking in it?" Rico asks nastily.

James makes this growling sound in the back of his throat, but replies in this forced calm voice, "No, Rico. I haven't."

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I heard you guys got in. I thought I'd come over to congratulate you."

"We accept, now leave," Bruce says.

James backs up a step and looks at me. "Amalia, can I talk to you outside?"

My first thought is to tell him that he can talk to me when Hell freezes over, but he's been pretty okay. Besides, I'm not blinded by him anymore. I can handle myself now. I put down my set list, and start to walk over to him.

"Amalia," Justin says in a very careful voice.

I look at him and smile. James gives him a very dirty look, but I choose to ignore it.

"If there's any problems, we're just inside," Rico says.

"I know," I reply. I go outside with James. It's really weird. I remember standing just outside the Chavez's garage where James said he loved me. And where he almost hit me.

"What is it?" I ask. I try to be cool, to let him know that I'm not taking his crap.

He doesn't seem to respond to the tone of my voice. "I was wondering if you knew anyone who would manage my band. You've really sent Vanish up. I thought if you knew anyone who could compare to you, it would be great. Or if, you know, you had time... just to help out an old friend."

"For one thing, I'm not your friend. You were never a friend to me. And, no, I don't have time. I'm really busy. I don't know anyone who would want to do it. It takes up a lot of my time, and everyone knows how hectic my life is."

He sighs. "Oh well, it was worth a shot. So, uh, how are things going with, uh, Brandon."

"Brendan," I correct. "And things are going great. He's at camp for the summer."

"So you hooked up with Justin for the summer?"

"What? No, where did you get that idea?"

James shrugs. "Rumors go around. I didn't believe it anyway. Justin's a fag."

"Excuse me?" I snap.

"You know Nancy? His ex? She's a back-up singer. She told all of us. By the time school starts, everyone will know he's a fudgepacker."

He called him something else that I'm not going to stain your pages with, but let's just say that things that are written here are NOTHING compared to it. I was feeling pretty sick at this point. Then it got worse.

"You don't know anything, James. Just shut up," I say, turning away from him.

He grabs my arm and pulls me over to him. "Don't turn away from me!"

"Don't touch me!" I screech (yes, Nbook, it was a screech). Then I actually slap him across the face.

He shakes me, gripping my arm even harder, as I struggle to pull away from him. I start screaming horrible obscenities that I've only heard Isabel use while driving before, and then Rico, Bruce, and Justin run outside and pull James off of me.

I sort of blocked out what happened after that. The next thing I remember is Maggie and Claud standing on either side of me. Maggie looks as pale as a ghost and has her arm around my shoulder and Claud is holding onto my hand. Rico, Bruce, and Justin are beating the crap out of James. Patti is screaming at them to stop.

I felt frozen. What happened? Everything was going all right for a minute there. It was the James monster. Dr Nice Guy and Mr. Asshole. It was so typical. The two faces of James. I can't believe that for a moment I thought, I hoped, that all he wanted was a lead on a manager. It can't just be that. It has to be so much more. It has to be about me and him. I thought he was over it. I know I was over a long time ago.

"Stop it!" I yell.

Of course, I'm as successful as Patti at this. They keep beating him up. James is a big guy, but he's nothing against three fairly skinny guys.

I pull away from Maggie and Claud and try to pull the guys off of James. Patti helps me, and finally they stop. Patti is literally holding Bruce back. James has what looks like a broken nose, and his mouth is bleeding. Both of his eyes look like they're going to end up black.

James stands up and looks at me. "Still not fighting your own battles, huh, Amalia?"

I don't reply.

He turns and SPITS on Justin and huffs away before anyone can react.

"Justin! Are you okay?" I ask, running over to him. I know what that's like. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, let alone my own friend.

He's completely stone faced. "Yeah," he replies, sounding hoarse. His nose is bleeding from the fight, and he still hasn't wiped away the spit from his face. I do it myself, because no one deserves that.

"I'm going to kill him," Bruce says. Patti isn't holding him back, but she's still holding onto him. She looks nervous, probably because he sounds so serious.

"It's okay," Justin says. "Are you all right, Amalia?"

"I'm fine." My arm is bruised from where he grabbed me. Other than realizing that I can NEVER trust him, I'm fine. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to believe that he changed. But he didn't, and I don't think he's ever going to. He has a serious rage problem, and I'm not going to be a victim of it again. It hurts even more because I let my friends be a victim too.

I can't write anymore, Nbook. I'm so angry, and I feel so stupid. I hate him. 


	15. Justin

Chapter Fifteen: Justin 

It's Tuesday the 29th and I'm writing in this journal. It's after eleven at night.

I don't write in the journal a lot. Especially not in the summer when I don't have to. I haven't written since May. Early May.

But there's a lot going on. I guess I see why they makes us write in the journal. When you have to get all the shit out, here's something to help. Well, there's a lot of shit right now.

My last few entries were about guys. Guys at school, guys on sports teams, guys in general. Ducky.

Which still blows me away. Who would have thought? Ducky McCrae. He's a nice guy, friends with Maggie, but I don't know a lot about him. But I know that he's good-looking. I know that I've been thinking about kissing him. I know that I really want to.

I didn't even write about Nancy breaking up with me. Not that it was a big deal. We were kind of on the way out anyway. She started going on about how gay I was. I hardly had any time to tell her that I was still interested in girls too. I still liked going to the girls' gymnastics practice with the guys.

I don't even know if I'm really bi, though. Maybe it's just Ducky. Maybe it's not guys in general. Maybe it's just him. I don't know. But when Ducky showed up at the band practice, it was like a sign. It was like I suddenly had to tell everyone what I'd been thinking.

Well, not really. I didn't tell them the Ducky side of it. I couldn't help but stare at him when I was saying it. He stared back at me. Was he gay? Or bi or whatever? Did he like me? Could we... really?

But now, after what happened tonight... I don't know. I still like Ducky. I still want to kiss him. I still want to be with him. But I don't want him to have to go through what I did. He shouldn't have to be picked on by assholes like James. And James already picks on him. He already calls him gay slurs.

I don't even know if Ducky's really gay.

Getting spit on is the weirdest thing in the world. I just had the weirdest feeling. It was like I couldn't move. I couldn't feel. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to hurt James anymore. At least not for that. I wanted to kill him for hurting Amalia.

(I sort of wanted to shake some sense into Amalia for going out there with him, but I would never act out on it. And if I did, it would be gentle.)

I just sort of... didn't want it to happen. I wanted to act like it hadn't happened. I wanted to pretend. I didn't want to move. I wanted to rewind.

Amalia came up to me and wiped my face.

Bruce was ready to kill James. Maggie had the weirdest look on her face. Like she was kind of glad it happened. Like if this happened, it meant that I wasn't bi anymore.

I don't know what the deal is. I liked Maggie for a long time. I was really into her. I thought she was into me too. And we went out on that one date, and she was so weird. I guess she wasn't interested at all.

Now I want to kill James.

It's Wednesday the 30th. It's noon.

I can't write long. Amazing. Two days in a row.

But I want to remember this moment. For a very, very long time.

I was going to the store because Mom hadn't been shopping in over a week. I figure I'd buy some food. Maybe I'd even fix dinner tonight. Not that she would notice. But it's better than a peanut butter sandwich or buying a pizza.

I was walking out the door, looking like shit, I might add, and who's pacing outside my house? Ducky.

What are you doing here?

He jumped. Nothing.

Then why are you outside my house?

No reason.

I had the feeling he wanted to say something. I had the feeling that I wanted to say something too.

Um, Justin, when you said - nothing, never mind.

Ducky, I like you.

It was out before I had a chance to stop it. It was like a weird fluke that Ducky was out there. But maybe it wasn't a fluke. Maybe it was fate or something. Not that I generally believe in fate.

He stared at me. Like he couldn't believe that I actually said that.

I think I like you too.

And he said it. Just like that.

I stared at him all slack-jawed. I couldn't believe it. I had no idea that he liked me. I wanted to believe.

Really?

Ducky looked like a scared deer, with those brown eyes. He seemed very tense. I wanted to reach out and give him a hug. More than I could think. I couldn't think. So I just went on instinct. I hugged him.

He hugged me back.

I could have died right there.

When we stopped hugging, He asked the question.

Are we like dating now? Or can we? His face was so red.

I thought about James. I thought about him spitting on me because I was bi. I thought about how I didn't want that to happen to Ducky. I thought about wanting to protect him. What better way to do it?

Yeah, we can. I'd like that.

I still have to go shopping.

What will Mom say? I don't even know what she thinks on the subject.

What will Dad say? Do I care?

Not really. But Mom will make a big deal of it. When am I going to see Dad next? Christmas? New Years. Next summer? Who knows when the hell that will be.

But I don't care. I want to be with Ducky. I want to kiss him.

How screwed up is all of this? Very.

I'm ready for it.

Real food. Now.


	16. Maggie: Chapter Two

Chapter Sixteen: Maggie 

6/30

Do we hold our destinies? (fate?)  
Life can't be this random.  
Is it all our choice?  
Or are we spinning out of control?

I don't know what I've been told,  
but I can't make my fate (destiny)  
It's all worked out It's fine right now I need something to break out

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I can't seem to get my thoughts together. Everything is so strange. I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm all confused. It shouldn't even matter now. I just feel like it's my fault.

On the brighter side, I got a call from Tyler. He'll be back from New York on Friday. Which means he'll be here for the Bash and get to hear us play. I hadn't even told him about it, because I didn't want him to think it was that big of a deal. But when he told me he would be here in two days, it just came pouring out.

Maybe now I can stop thinking about Justin.

I just wrote that.

Damn it.

I guess if I can admit it anywhere, it's my own journal. I've been thinking about Justin a lot. Not that I'm into him again. I'm over that. But I've been seeing so much of him lately, what with daily Vanish practices.

He'd been so distant. He wouldn't even ride in the same car with us. He suddenly kept to himself. He's sort of faded into the background, until we got that visit from James.

I still can't believe what that... thing did to Justin. Amalia has been really sympathetic to him. She knows what it's like. I guess I can't conceive it. I'm a rich white girl. Who's going to spit on me? It has to be worse for Justin, though. It was someone he knew. Someone he used to count as a friend.

I thought that after what happened with James, Justin would slip even further into his shell, but it happened just the opposite. Today he seemed so happy. He was joking around and acting like he had been before he came out. In fact, he seemed even happier.

I'm glad to see him so happy. All of this shying away, I was afraid that... and it comes back down to it that I need to look outside myself, it was my fault. That Justin wouldn't have considered dating guys if I had been a better girl. Or at least made an effort.

Anorexia wasn't just ruining my life, it was ruining the lives of the people around me.

But it seems that he's fine. I hope he's fine. I'm tired of feeling guilty.

So. Tyler. I want to do something special, but I'm not going to have time until after the Bash. I know that on the fifth there's a premiere that I'm stuck going to. I'm sure that Tyler is going as well. But do I want my face splashed all over Yahoo Movies labeled as "Hayden Blume's daughter, Tyler Kendall's girlfriend"? I don't think my name would even count.

I asked Tyler how he can always smile for the cameras.

"I knew that I would have to when I started acting," he replied. "You were born into it. It's all right if you're sick of smiling. You didn't chose to do it."

As much as I hate Hollywood, we really do sometimes seem like a great match. A Hollywood ying and yang. Ugh, sounds like a bad plot to a bad movie.

I need to get some sleep. Another practice tomorrow. Amalia won't be there, she has work, but she said that it's not a reason for us to slack off. I have to work tomorrow as well. In the morning, though.

I can't believe we have three days until we'll be playing in front of all Palo City. I think I'll go crazy before then.

I don't know how much time I'm going to have for journal writing. I hope I can make some time. I need to sleep. And I don't need Dad telling me about how I don't know how to budget my time.

He seemed excited about the band getting into the Bash. I just hope he doesn't try to hook us up with some connection-manager he knows. Amalia is a great manager. She got us this far. I don't see why she can't take us further.

Dad, however, probably won't see it that way, though. He wants to make us something we're not. He wants to make ME something I'M not. Just the way he sacrificed himself to be something that's he's not. He's always trying to punish me for his mistakes. When it comes to the band, I'm not going to let him.

Hollywood lies  
and bullshit disguises,  
can't be honest anymore  
Never knew anyone  
to trust because  
it's a fraud and nothing more 

Wonderful times  
and happy rhymes  
aren't relevant here today  
Can't find myself  
in all this mess  
I've been lost along the way

It's time to lose yourself  
You can't be you, not now  
It's hard when you're so busy  
working at being someone else.

Thought you'd win  
with a turn and a spin  
and a shotgun ready to go  
But it seems you lost  
what mattered most  
as you staggered to and fro

A perfect life  
and a trophy wife  
is all that matters now  
but you don't see  
the pain that bleeds  
all over your damn house

It's time to lose yourself  
You can't be you, not now, no, no.  
It's hard when you're so busy  
looking at something else.

Lost along the way, yeah, yeah, no, no.  
Thought you'd win, it's over now  
Can't find myself this way...  
you don't see the pain that bleeds.

It's time to lose yourself  
You can't be you, not now, no, no  
It's hard when you're so busy  
being someone else, a stranger.  
That's all you are, a stranger.

I guess I'm feeling ultra creative today. Before I'm all worn out. Too bad it sucks.

7/1

I don't know why I brought my computer to practice. Oh, wait, I do. I was writing a report. Yes, it's July, and I'm writing reports for school already. Patti was making fun of me because I was already doing schoolwork. Well, I can't help it. I have to keep my GPA up. I'm actually going into high school now, this is where grades really start to count. How am I going to have college options if I let myself slack?

I pointed out to Sunny that having spare book reports around come in handy when you forget that you had one, and it's due the next day. Not that it's ever happened to me, but it seemed like a good point when she's poking fun at me.

Yeah, Sunny was at practice today. She and Ducky came out to practice. So had Claudia, but she was seeming like a regular anymore.

"I'm here to keep you in line because Amalia's not," Ducky said.

"Oh, did she hire you?" I asked, smiling. I do love Ducky.

We were playing, and while we were in between songs, and the guys were tuning their guitars, Rico looked up at me.

"Maggie, I was thinking. I didn't put this past Amalia, but I was thinking that we should do a new song for the Bash."

"But that's just a couple days away! There's no way we could learn a new song in a few days," I said.

"Sure we could. We've done it before. Do you think you could write us something?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I haven't written much in a long while."

"What about this one?" Sunny said, pointing to my open computer, at the song I wrote last night about Dad. "This sounds good."

"That's my journal!" I snapped, running over to her. I slammed the top down. "You have no right digging around in my computer.

"Sorry, sorry. But the song looks good. I liked it." Sunny had no right.

"Um, Maggie," Rico said, "can we see it?"

"What? No, it's... it's personal."

"So was Hey, Down There," Sunny hissed. I blushed.

"Can we hear it?" Patti asked. "Just sing it for us?"

I sighed. They were going to bug me about it, and then practice couldn't go on. I figured they'd hear it, hate it, and we could go on.

I started singing it, the little tune in my head, and as I went on, Patti began drumming a beat. It was weird. It actually being a song. It was just something I wrote because I was mad at Dad.

When I was done, they were all looking at me.

"It's dark," Bruce said.

I shrugged.

"I like it," Patti said. "I think it's one of your best, Maggie."

"It's totally you," Rico said, "and totally us."

"It's great," Justin said. "Bruce is right, it's dark, but it's fantastic."

"I told you!" Sunny squealed.

Ducky was looking at me. I think he knew what it was about. I gave him a smile, and he smiled back.

"Write down the lyrics," Rico was saying, "and I'll come up with some solid music for it. It's your tune, but you know."

I nodded. "I feel strange about. It's so personal."

"That's why it's good," Bruce said.

"Yeah," Patti said. "People don't want something superficial. And we're not superficial. It's real, and raw, and all you. And you represent us. That's why we love using your songs. They're good."

Well, I felt so boosted by that, I said sure, and wrote down the lyrics. Rico'll be calling me tomorrow morning about it. And I need to call Amalia about it.


	17. Ducky: Chapter Two

Chapter Seventeen: Ducky 

Late July 1st/Early July 2nd   
Resolution leads to Confusion leads to Resolution

You went to the Vanish practice today. You went to see Justin. Sunny went with you. She's been wonderful about everything, and being your friends like she always has been. How is it that you've only know Sunny for a year? Less than a year. It feels like ages. Like you've known her your whole life.

Justin is another story. You don't know what you're doing. You've never dated anyone before. You've never even had a girlfriend, let alone a boyfriend. It's been one day, and you've already gotten yourself confused.

You pick up Sunny, you go to practice. You see Justin, tuning up his guitar. He looks up and smiles at you. You smile back.

"Whooo, give me some of that sweet boy lovin'!" Sunny exclaims in a whisper.

You shush her with a look.

"When are you going to tell everyone? It only took like three seconds for Rico and Claudia to let everyone know they were dating, at that point they weren't even dating. Plus they live on oppostie sides of the country."

"I know, I know," you mutter. You look at her. "For some reason, Justin doesn't want anyone to know. Not right away."

"You told me."

"And I'm beginning to regret it. But I had to tell you. You're my best friend and I had to tell someone." You smile. "Besides, I was happy. I still am."

"What I can't figure out is why he doesn't want anyone to know."

Sunny shrugs.

You get to hear Maggie's new song. You're 99 sure it's about her Dad. She's always said that Hollywood ruined him. You hope he knows it's for him when he hears it. And that he's not offended by the swearing, which seems so un-Maggie, but then again... perhaps it is.

After practice you're standing outside with Sunny, and Justin comes up behind you.

J: Hey   
D: Hey   
S: So how are things going? You guys sounded great, and I can't wait to hear Maggie's new song played out for full. I wasn't being nosy, really. I was seeing if she had internet on it, which she does. I didn't mean to find her journal. That just happened.  
J: Yeah.  
D: Mmmhmm.  
S: Oh, so the other night I was out with Mary Anne, and I picked up this guy, Cody, and he was a total ass. Luckily we were with Derek Thompson, you know him? He's in your year, Ducky. A really nice guy. I think he and Mary Anne hit it off.  
D: Wow.  
J: Cool.

This went on for a while. Finally, Sunny just says, "Justin, Ducky told me, and I'm not telling anyone, but I just want to let you know that I think it's fine, and cool."

"You-" Justin begins.

"She's my best friend. I couldn't not say anything," you reply.

He pauses and smiles. "I guess that's all right."

"So why aren't we telling anyone?" Sunny asks.

"Because... well, um, can Ducky and I talk about first? And then he can tell you about it later." Justin doesn't sound like he's digging in that you told Sunny. He seems like he simply wants to talk to you about it first.

"Sure. Want me to catch a ride with someone else?" Sunny asks. For being blunt and outrageous, Sunny knows when it's time to back off.

"No, I drove myself, so we might as well meet somewhere else later," Justin says.

We agree on a cafe, and you drive Sunny home.

"You guys don't seem very coupley," she comments.

"Well, we've only been "coupley" for a day. Give it a rest. It needs time to..."

"Fester?"

"Grow."

"Ah."

You drop Sunny off and she's making kissy noises at you as you drive away that make you laugh. Then you drive to the cafe, and wait for Justin. After about five minutes, and half of your Coke later, he comes in.

J: Hi D: Hey. You want something?  
J: No, no, I'm good. I kind of just want to talk.  
D: Ok  
J: Um, a couple of days ago, I had a confrontation. With, uh, James Kodalay, you know him?  
D: The creep who dated Amalia.  
J: Right. he confronted the band, actually, but took his rage out on me. Spit on me, actually.  
D: Oh my God, are you okay?  
J: Yeah, yeah. According to Amalia, he had called me all sorts of gay slurs and stuff. And the reason I didn't want to tell anyone about us is because... I didn't want you to have to go through with that. To deal with assholes like him. I was ready to say something to you, but after that, I was so screwed up, and I dind't want that for you. But then there you were outside my house, and-  
D: I sort of ended up there on accident.

Now, Ducky, you are something. He's telling you this heartwrenching story, and that's all you have to say?

J: I thought by not telling anyone, it would protect you. Protect us both. But I see now that it's just not going to work out.  
D: (panics) So, it was a one day experiement?  
J: What? No, Ducky, I mean not telling anyone. I don't think we should be ashamed, or feel like we have to hide it. Your friend Sunny showed that to me tonight. That there are people who think it's a good thing. When their friends find someone.  
D.  
J: So I think that we shouldn't worry about hiding it. And we can deal with assholes together. A team.  
D: A team. I like that.

Justin reaches across the table and puts his hand over yours. It feels good. You feel a jolt run through your stomach, and you can't help but grin.

You need to remember to give Sunny a hug.

It's quite possible that you and Justin are now coupley. We walked out to our cars, holding hands, and when we got to your car, he looks at you.

"What's your real name? I mean, it's not Ducky, is it?"

"No," you laugh, "it's Christopher."

"Christopher. Does anyone call you that?"

"My mom. Sometimes."

"Does anyone call you Chris?" Justin asks.

"No, not at all," you reply. You wonder where he's going with this.

"Can I call you Chris?"

"What? Ducky isn't hot enough?" you joke.

He puts his hand on your face and leans very close, in fact his face is right in front of yours, and you think he's going to kiss you, and you'd actually like to kiss him quite at a lot, but it doesn't happen. He simply whispers, "Ducky is plenty hot enough." He pulls away. "I don't know, I thought it would be nice. To call you my own nickname. But that's so like you, to have the typical nickname be so special. You make everything that's so normal seem special."

You really wish you could make poetry like that off the top of your head. It would be nice to say something that sweet to him one day. All you say is, "Heh... you can call me Chris. I'd like that."

While the outside world still sees you as Ducky, someone sees you as Chris. Which is sort of weird, because no one has called you Chris since your first grade teacher, and it annoyed the hell out of you then. But somehow, when Justin says it, it's not annoying. It's special.

It's nearly two AM now and you haven't even noticed that you've been writing so long. It's probably time to sleep. It's far past time.


	18. Claudia: Chapter Two

Chapter Eighteen: Claudia 

Friday, July 2nd 3:45PM

Well, Rico and I were going to go out after last night's Vanish practice, but he went home to work on the music for Maggie's song. I can understand that. If it had been a big art project, I would have done the same thing. I talked to him this morning, and he played the song for me on the guitar and sang to me.

Honestly, he's not a very good singer, Maggie is way better, but it was still sweet. From what I know about music, it sounds cool. It's really dark, and has a very rock sound to it.

"Maggie liked it to the extent that Maggie likes anything related to her," he said. "Amalia loves it, and can't wait to here Maggie sing it. Which is code for "Rico, you can't sing for crap," but I know that."

"Aww, your not that bad," I said.

"Your just humoring me."

"No, I'm not!"

He laughed. "Are you coming to tonight's practice?"

"Probably. Stacey was wanting to go to this club thing, but-"

"Don't ditch her on my account. Friends over boyfriends, you got that?"

I smiled. "Got it. But that wasn't what I was going to say. She was going to go with Dawn, and Kristy, and Ducky, but Ducky's going to the practice too. So I think we're planning on going afterward."

"I'd like to go, but Amalia will probably have us there until midnight learning the new song."

"The club is open until 3 in the morning on Fridays," I said.

"Really? Maybe I can talk Amalia into going with us. I don't know about Maggie. She mentioned something about Tyler being back in town tonight, so she might want to be with him alone, and not send him out into a mob of people."

Inside, I was like TYLER KENDALL? But instead, I just agreed, "Yeah, probably not a good idea."

"But Patti and Bruce would be up for it. Justin too. We've been all crazy because of the Bash. A little relaxation would do us all some good."

"Good!"

After I got off the phone with Rico, Stacey called Ducky, and they tried to figure out the best way to carpool that many people. Then Kristy suggested taking the van that Bruce drove the Bash auditions. Even though we wouldn't be belted in (which didn't seem very safe, or legal), we'd all fit.

So we called Amalia, who, like Rico predicted, didn't want any distractions for the band, but I pointed out what Rico had said about relaxing. So she finally agreed and then SHE called Bruce, and it went around in a big circle until all of us were going. Even Sunny and Mary Anne, and this guy Mary Anne invited to go with us. But not Maggie and Tyler. But we told Dawn's dad that we were staying at her house, since she would be there to cover for us. She said it was fine. Mary Anne doesn't like the idea of lying, but she didn't dislike it so much that she didn't want to go.

I can't wait for tonight.

Saturday July 3rd 3:58PM

I thought about writing when we came in, but my bed seemed way more tempting. Last night was SO WILD. Wild in good ways and wild in bad ways too. I'm beginning to understand Dawn's new life a lot more now. It's not just dating older guys and concerts. Its getting into trouble too.

We went to Vanish practice, and they sounded great playing Maggie's new song. Kristy seemed a little shocked by the swearing, but sometimes she can be pretty immature. Not that I love her any less for it.

That's mostly all they worked on, was the new song.

"Do you guys think you have it down?" Amalia asked, looking up from the paper she was writing on.

"Pretty much," Rico said.

"Great." She held up the paper. "This is a set list. Tell me what you think."

They had a few disputes over it, but they finally settled on what they wanted.

"We have to end on a fast note," Amalia said. "To get them pumped up for the national band."

"Do you think it's possible that this band isn't even a nationally known band, but it just called National Band?" Patti said, twirling her drumstick in her hand.

That got a giggle out of everyone.

As I stop giggling, I realize that someone has sat down next to me. I look over and sitting next to me is TYLER KENDALL. He smiled at me. "Hi, I'm Tyler."

I stopped acting like a doofy eleven year old and act like the thirteen (nearly fourteen) year old I am. "I'm Claudia."

"Nice to meet you."

Amalia came over, and the two of them started gabbing, and I realized that Tyler was a totally normal guy who just happened to make movies and be on the covers of magazines.

However, when Mary Anne saw him, she literally screamed and had a bit of a hissy fit, but Tyler acted very cool. Maggie seemed embarrassed. I felt embarrassed for her, but at least I'm used to Mary Anne. I guess Tyler is used to that happening. He even signed her purse.

I also met Mary Anne's friend Derek. Who is super cute, and very interested in Mary Anne. Sunny told me, she's friends with him.

Finally, finally, finally, Amalia called practice to an end at 11:30. Maggie left with Tyler, and the band went to change (all that music playing gets one sweaty, it seems). The rest of us were pretty dressed up.

I was wearing my black pants with an emerald green sleeveless turtleneck sweater. It's a thin knit, so I wouldn't be too hot. Over the sweater I had a silver chain with a moon charm that I found in a thrift store on it. I wore silver rings on every finger- even my thumbs! I was wearing combat boots that made me three inches taller than I actually am.

Stacey looked fresh in a black miniskirt and red tank top. Her fluffy blonde hair was pinned back with sliver combs that had small plastic red flowers glued to them. I made her those combs. She wore tiny hoop earrings and strappy high heel sandals.

Dawn looked casual in black jeans and a white button-up shirt. But her shoes were great- platform sneakers! She wore big earrings in the shape of eyeballs with big lashes. She told me later that the earrings once belonged to Sunny's mom.

Mary Anne and Sunny were in similar outfits, skirts and tank tops. It looked like Sunny had dressed Mary Anne, because it was NOT a Mary Anne outfit. But Sunny wore ugg boots, and Mary Anne was wearing black flats.

Amalia wore a white halter top and red and black pinstriped pants. "Early birthday present to me," she said, motioning to the pants. "I'm not working my butt off at the Palace for nothing."

Kristy even looked very distant in my jeans that I had dyed brick red, and a black babydoll tee that I glued silver rhinestones to the collar of. She protested to something that would occasionally show her midriff, but even she admired the way it showed off her boobs. Well, in a Kristy way. "Hey, I'm not a pancake!"

The band came back into the garage and Patti was ultra casual in tan slacks and a dark red button-up shirt. She didn't wear any jewelry and had on platform sandals.

All the guys wore some variation of pants and a polo shirt or a button-up shirt.

We piled into the van. Bruce was driving, and Patti and Stacey sat up front with him. In the back, the rest of us were stacked up in the back. I was sitting next to Rico, and had his arms around my shoulders. It was dark, but I could see Mary Anne holding Derek's hand.

It was nearly midnight when we reached the club. Now, that club was eighteen and over, but somehow only Kristy got IDed, and Bruce did some very fast talking, and somehow she was allowed in. I have no idea what he said, but I think some money exchanged hands.

I'd never been in a real club before, and it was really, really cool. There was a huge dance floor, and a bar lengthed all the way around the back wall, and up the side walls. The bar itself was clear glass and had blue lights under it, so it looked like this glowy futuristic thing. There were about ten or twelve bartenders. I wasn't planning on getting anything, but the first thing Sunny did was find someone who could buy us drinks.

I had something called an Ameretto Sour that tasted like candy. It was really good. I didn't see what the big deal about alcohol is. I mean, it tasted like CANDY! I actually had two, but I didn't feel anything.

Rico had a rum and coke, and he let me have a sip, but I didn't like that as much. Then we danced and danced and danced.

It was so much fun. I looked around and I could see my friends everywhere. Mary Anne was dancing with Derek. She looked a lot more relaxed than she ever did with Logan. Patti was dancing with Bruce. I think they're dating. I asked Rico about it, and he shrugged. I could see Kristy and Sunny were both dancing with guys I didn't know. Amalia, Dawn, and Stacey were all dancing with one guy that I, again, didn't know. Off in the corner, despite the fast music, Ducky and Justin where dancing pretty slow and looking very close.

When they'd play a slower song (which wasn't very often), Rico would hold me really close, and once or twice, he slid his hands just under my shirt on my back. It sent a chill up my spine, and I liked that feeling. None of the other guys I dated ever did that. But they were all thirteen, and severely immature.

After a while, we went to the upstairs of the club that was more like a lounge. There was a smaller bar made of wood, and there were leather couches eveywhere Everywhere, their were people reading, meditating, and making out. There were a bunch of rooms behind beaded curtains, and I peeked in one, and those people were NOT simply making out. I had never seen anything like this in my life. I got sort of nervous, but Rico got me my second Ameretto Sour and we just sat down on one of the couches and had our drinks and made out.

A lot.

After that, things got crazy. But Dawn's dad wants us to have an early dinner. It's one of the first nights all of us have been here for dinner. Really, we're all too tired to go out anywhere. I'll be back to finish up.


	19. Sunny: Chapter Two

Chapter Nineteen: Sunny

Later Saturday

Where was I? Oh, so after Franz paid for everyone's drinks, we went out dancing. I didn't tell him I was 14. Of course, no one in the club was supposed to be under 18, but apparently the club doesn't care THAT much, since none of us are old enough. I don't think he figured I was 14, considering that he was like 22.

We were dancing, and it was crazy and spastic. He would be lifting me up constantly, and like swinging me around in the air.

"Do you want another drink?" Franz asked.

"Yes!" I shouted.

"What?"

"Surprise me, baby!"

He brought me back a tequila sunrise, and it was pretty nasty, but I drank it anyway. He had one too, and we were laughing, and getting a little tipsy together. We were leaning against a wall and Franz kept putting his arms around me, and touching my boobs, but it was okay. So I started rest my hands on his belt, and when I started doing that I don't think Franz stopped grinning.

Then Franz bought me an apple martini, which was fantastic, and we danced some more, and then the room started spinning, and I didn't think that it came from Franz and I dancing.

"I'm starting to feel..." I said, leaning against him, panting. I had four drinks, and I was starting to feel it. "Is there somewhere...?"

"Oh, yeah, hon, let's go upstairs." He led me upstairs, where people seemed to be getting into some serious shit. And there were these rooms with huge pillows on the floor, and they were lit with lava lamps and stuff. So it was dark, but you could still see.

"Is this better?" Franz asked.

"Yeah," I said. I had the feeling that this was going to end up as a replay of the night with Andy, but I was too tipsy to argue. Looking back on it, when Franz got me the second rum and coke, it seemed like he wanted something else. Especially since at this point, I wasn't giving him money for anything.

I was drinking the rum and coke, and Franz kept petting my hair, and telling me how beautiful I was. I started kissing him, and I spilled my drink all over the floor.

"I can get you another one," he offered.

"No, no, no, no, no..." I said. Yes, I actually said "no" that many times. He flashed that flashy grin at me, and I sort of melted. I was practically on top of him, and he started pulling off my top, and I kept saying no, but even I wasn't convinced. Especially since I kept laughing.

My top was over in the corner, and very soon my bra was there too, and he kept kissing my boobs, and touching them, and I had to admit that I was getting really in the mood. He pulled off his own shirt, and unbuttoned his pants.

Now, I know that I said I wouldn't do this. That the idea grossed me out, but let me say this: I was drunk. He was feeding me drinks.

"You want to touch it?" he asked, motioning to his crotch. He was wearing red boxer shorts. It seemed that I wasn't the only one who was turned on. Honestly, I didn't want to touch it, but I did anyway. Stacey said it wasn't bad. Stacey's very sophisticated, so I was trusting her on this one.

"Oh, god, Sunny, you know what you're doing," Franz said, leaning his head back.

I started kissing his chest, and he kept moaning and everything, and I kept getting lower and lower, and he kept telling me to keep going and keep going. So I did.

It wasn't... bad. It wasn't great, and I certainly didn't want to do it with a complete stranger again. I didn't feel like I could say that I was uncomfortable. I couldn't say that I wanted to stop. I couldn't say that I didn't want him to come in my mouth. I didn't swallow, though. I spat it out. Franz laughed, but it wasn't demeaning.

However, Franz was great, and he got me another drink (A regular, plain Coke), and he put his hand up my skirt and felt around a bit, and I don't really remember much of it. Just me telling him how good it was. I wish I could really remember it. The next moment was pretty sobering.

"Sunny? Sunny!"

I stood up, and went to look out the beaded curtains, and then Franz reminded me that I wasn't wearing a shirt, but I really didn't care. I looked out and saw Dawn wandering around. She saw me, and her eyes got really huge.

"SUNNY!"

"What?" I asked.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Put some clothes on!"

"What?"

Dawn walked through the curtains, and saw Franz who was completely naked. Her face got very dark (probably red, it was hard to tell in the low light), but I think that was more from anger than from embarrassment. She grabbed my shirt and bra and forced on my shirt like I was five years old. She shoved my bra in her pocket. She grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room. Over her shoulder, she called to Franz, "She's 14!"

I don't know what Franz replied to that. However, I was pissed.

"Dawn, what the hell gives you the right to-"

"We're leaving. I had to come up and here and find you screwing some guy? Sunny, what the hell are you thinking? Have you gone completely crazy?"

"No?" I replied.

We left, and Dawn dragged me out of the club, and into Bruce's van. I was lying on the floor of the van crying. I don't know why I was crying. Dawn was ignoring me, so thankfully Stacey was holding me, and stroking my hair, and I was sobbing out what happened, and she was being really great.

"Is she okay?" Bruce asked before we pulled out of the parking lot.

"She will be," Stacey replied.

Ducky was sitting next to her, and didn't say anything. One of this hands was holding mine, and the other was holding Justin's. He looked like HE was about to cry.

When we left, it was about two in the morning. It was about 2:10 when we got on the freeway. It was about 2:15 when we got pulled over.

There was a shout among the group. "Hey!" Bruce shouted. "Everyone, stay calm. I could get busted for having all of you back there without seat belts. Hell, without seats. So if you stay down and don't make a sound, I MIGHT be able to get away with it. You have it?"

We all shut up.

"Officer?" Bruce said.

"License and registration?"

Bruce leaned over Patti and dug through the glove compartment of the van and handed the policeman the stuff.

"What seems to the be the problem?" Bruce asked.

"You were going thirty miles over the speed limit, young man."

I had to sneeze. I knew that if I made a sound, we were busted, and everyone would blame me. I put my face in Stacey's lap and tried not to move. I wasn't letting myself breathe.

I didn't sneeze, but the policeman shined his flashlight in the back of the van. "What the hell? Who are all of these people?"

Bruce dropped his head on the steering wheel. Thankfully, Bruce didn't get arrested. He got fined ($500 dollars!) and had his license suspended for six months. Ducky drove us home. We all spent the night on sleeping bags in his living room. Even Ducky himself.

I followed Ducky back into his room when he was changing. "I was really stupid tonight, wasn't I?"

"We all were," he replied.

I know he was being easy on me. I guess I sort of wanted him to be mean to me. "You know what I mean, Ducky."

He sort of sighed. "What should I say?"

"Yell at me. Tell me I'm a slut. And I'm stupid."

Ducky, who had been digging through his closet, turned to look at me. "You're not a slut. And you're not stupid. But I'm worried."

"About what? Me?"

"Sunny, I don't want to sound like your Dad or something-"

"You're not screaming at me about laundry, you don't sound like Dad," I said.

"But you're out of control," Ducky finished, ignoring my comment. "You can't keep pulling stunts like this. I don't know where you got in your head that dating a ton of guys, or getting drunk is going to fill everything that's missing in your life."

"It's not about Mom," I said. "Everyone may think it is, but it's not."

"It's not?" he sounded unconvinced.

"No! I miss Mom, but what happened last night with Franz isn't going to make her come back. Or make up for everything she did."

"Then why are you doing this to yourself?"

This is what I love about talking to Ducky. If I was talking to Dawn, she would have said "why are you doing this to me?"

"I don't know!" I cried. I sat down on Ducky's bed and felt stupid.

Ducky sat down next to me and pulled me into a hug. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his skin was sticky. "Sunny, you're the only one who can stop this. I can't do it for you. And it doesn't matter why, or maybe it does, but all I know is that you're the only one who can make yourself do anything or not do anything."

"I know. When am I going to doing this?"

"When it's important to you. I just hope you don't wait until it's too late. When something really bad happens."

"I'll try, Ducky, I'll try."

He hugged me. "I know you will."

Ducky finished changing and we went back into the living room.

"Hey, who thinks that we should put our $300 Bash pay toward Bruce's fine?" Amalia said.

Every muttered an agreement.

"And we'll chip in for as much of the rest as we can," Dawn offered. I was about to protest, but Dawn was right (Oh holy Dawn, always right).

I got almost all of my money together, and after that, we had chipped together about a hundred dollars. Bruce only had to come up with the other hundred. His parents paid it, and they were pissed as hell. However, they didn't suspend him from the Bash (they know how big that is), but he's got a summer's worth of house and yardwork ahead of him.

Bruce's parents also called all of our parents this morning. I'm glad I didn't give Bruce all of my money, because my pay got cut in half at the bookstore. Dad isn't a total slavedriver. I thought he was going to cut off my pay altogether.

"I thought that you were past this," Dad said to me. "I thought that after Mom... I didn't think this wild stage was going to last, and you were beyond it. Now, I know this is your vacation, and you work hard, so I'm not grounding you. But you have a curfew of ten-thirty, and if you are not here by then, or calling me from where you are, that isn't to be any further than Dawn's house, the punishment will be much more severe."

Dad's speech would have been great when I was twelve, but it just sort of rolled off my back now. Especially since he didn't know everything that I did.

I went upstairs and called Mary Anne (I wasn't about to talk to Dawn, not after the Franz incident) and she said that Mr. Schafer called all of their parents, and no one was happy, but he was sort of like my Dad, and pointed out that this was all their vacation, but he was planning on having much stricter curfews.

No more late night parties for us.

After what happened, though, I don't know if I want them. 


	20. Amalia: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty: Amalia 

7/5

First off, the Bash was so much fun! I'm so glad that Mami and Papi realized how important this was, and let me go. I'm on a strict schedule of work and being exactly where they know I am. So the party with my friends is still on. Thank goodness.

So I wear the white tank top that Claudia helped me make. I love having a Vanish shirt. It's like our own advertising. Especially since I ran around the Bash all day. By the time they went on, so many people already knew them from my big mouth.

We were able to use Bruce's van, but Rico was driving it. Bruce was pretty angry, but more at himself for not insisting that we just drive separate cars. We all feel the same way (mad at ourselves, not at Bruce).

There was tons of stuff going on. There was like this carnival, with rides and everything. I rode the Ferris Wheel like six times. I love Ferris Wheels. I kept trying to get away, but someone different would pull me on. I couldn't resist. I ate SO MUCH FOOD, none of it with a single vitamin or nutrient. The stage was full of stand-up comedians, and small children song-and-dance acts and things like that throughout the day.

But that was during the day. Nearing the evening, I had to gather up the band, and get them backstage to set up. Which took forever. Luckily I started early. So the band, myself and Tyler (Maggie didn't want him mobbed) were finally backstage.

"You guys," I say, "this is, no doubt, our biggest break ever. And I couldn't be happier."

"As long as we don't screw up," Maggie says.

"You'll be great," I assure her. "I know it. This is going to be a perfect performance."

Rainah Cubic, the woman in charge of the booking for the Bash, comes up behind me. "Vanish, right?"

"That's us," Rico says.

"Okay, when your set is over, you need to let the crowd know that Jax will be on."

"Jax?" Patti repeats, jaw dropped.

Rainah smiles. "We had to book a year in advance."

I'll admit, I had a loss of my usual proffesional self as I looked around for Pierre X. Not near us. That was okay. However, this explained why we got put where we did. Rock group before a rock group.

The band before Vanish was almost done when Maggie grabs me. Her face was white, and she had my arms in a death grip.

"Amalia, I can't do this! I can't go in front of all those people."

"Maggie," I say seriously, trying not to panic. "You have no choice. It's too late to back out now. You're going out there and you're going to be great. That's all there is to it."

"It's not that. The song. I can't do the song about Dad."

"Okay." I turn to the rest of the band. "Guys, we're pulling Maggie's new song off the list."

"Why?" Rico asks.

"I just can't," she explains.

"Fine," Bruce said. "It's cool."

Maggie looks relieved.

"And now!" screams the MC guy, "Palo City's very own, VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANISH!"

Rico, Bruce, Patti, and Justin run out on stage. Maggie is still clinging to me. I shove her on stage. "GO!"

Maggie's face is white as a ghost.

They go out and the sound great. Maggie starts singing a little late, but everyone gets timing right. By the third song, they're perfect. Maggie even looks comfortable.

"She doesn't even realize how talented she is," Tyler says.

I nod. He sounds so earnest about it, I suddenly missed Brendon. I wished he could have been there. He would have had so much fun.

It's wonderful. Like it all just fit into place. The crowd loves them. I love them. Rainah shouts to me that they sound better now then they did at the auditions. This other guy in an important looking suit (but then again, he may have just been looking important) comes over and tells Rainah that they're better than Jax. She agrees. I'm about to faint. Then, somehow, it gets even better.

The set is over and Rico, swinging his guitar around crazily, screams into the mic, "Palo Ciiiiiiiity, get ready for JAAAAAAAAAX!"

The crowd goes wild. Everyone run offstage.

"You guys did it!" I exclaimed. Maggie gives me a hug and then gives Tyler a hug and she looks more excited than I've seen her weeks.

"Wait! Quiet!" I shriek. I expected to hear the crowd shouting for Jax, but no. The crowd is out there screaming "VAN-ISH! VAN-ISH!"

Rainah comes over. "You guys, they want an encore. You have to go back out there."

"We didn't plan for this!" I say. My mind reels and I turn to Maggie. "We have to do your song. It's the only other thing we ran through."

I expect Maggie to protest, but she nods seriously. "All right. I can do it. I can try."

The crowd is still screaming "VAN-ISH! VAN-ISH! VAN-ISH!"

They go out (the crowd screams louder than they did when Rico announced Jax) and Rico vamps the first couple of chords because Maggie is staring out at the crowd.

"YOU CAN DO IT!" I scream.

She takes a breath and opens her mouth, "Hollywood lies and..."

They're great. They are beyond great. The crowd loves it. I love it. When they're done, even Maggie looks great. She looks a little sheepish, but she's glowing.

"This your band?"

I turn around and there is PIERRE X. What came out of my mouth was something like "Nyhhh. Gwarryh. Yeahh."

"They're good." He walks out onto the stage and shakes Rico's hand. He puts his arm around Bruce's shoulders and shouts into the mic, "Vanish, aren't they great?"

The crowd shouts in agreement, but I think they'd agree with anything. Even now, writing about it, it still seems like a dream. Like it didn't really happen. I met Pierre X. He told the entire cirty how much he loves Vanish. Rainah telling me that if Jax backed Vanish, we could probably get onto any record label we wanted (but probably the one Jax is on).

I told her that I'm thirteen years old. I'd have to talk to my parents about it.

I wonder if my new curfew could be broken because of late night recording sessions. It's something to think about.

My hands are shaking. Something tells me that this is going somewhere good. However, I promised the guys a a break, so we're taking a break. However, I'll be waiting for Rainah's call.

Later 7/5

I just got a letter from Brendan. I'm pasting it into my journal. I'll lose it otherwise.

**D**ear Amalia,

Congratulations on getting into the Bash! I knew you guys were great. It's fantastic to see everyone else realizing it too. I can't wait to hear how it goes.

Camp is fun, but feeling it's highly overrated since I'm spending all day hanging out with guys when I could be hanging out with you. There's a CIT dance tonight, and I'm going, but don't worry, I've known these girls since I was six. Nothing's changed. (Well, probably a few things, but if I say much more I'll be getting myself in trouble.)

Last night was "Movie Nite". The spelling drives me nuts, but what can you do? It's camp, not school. We watched The Parent Trap. Why do they always show camp movies at camp? This one guy brought a portable DVD player and a bunch of us watched another camp movie out back, but Wet Hot American Summer is a bit different. We snagged some eletricity from the moviehouse when the batteries started to die.

I had made you a birthday card in the art and crafts cabin, but my cabin members (seven year olds) thought it needed macaroni so where it says "Happy Birthday, Amalia" now has pasta bowties all over it. I guess I'll just have to take you out when I get back for a belated birthday celebration. Doesn't sound too bad, now does it? Anyway, it'll be your birthday (probably) by the time you get this, so an early happy birthday to you!

Gotta go. Jim just fell off the top bunk and is now screaming. Hopefully it's not too bad.

Love,  
**Brendan**

He's so sweet! Most guys would send a postcard that had "camp is fine, wish you were here, the weather is great." Brendan didn't even mention the weather. And I'm not worried about all those girls. I know how guys are. If there was something to worry about, he wouldn't have even mentioned it.

The past two days have been so fantastic.


	21. Kristy: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty-One: Kristy 

July 6th

While this is a vacation, we did get in big trouble. So today, we got our first taste of punishment. I got put on baby-duty. I watched Gracie (for free) and I go the light end of the load. Considering that I'm a professional baby-sitter.

I watched Gracie and helped Mary Anne wash all the windows on the inside of the house. (It was Mrs. Bruen's day off, so we took over) Dawn and Stacey did yard work, which makes me really glad that I was inside in the air conditioning. Claudia got out of it by leaving the house really early this morning. Carol mentioned something about the attic crawl space needing cleaning and said something about Claudia, so she'll get her's later.

Mr. Schafer had given us this stupid lecture about how he trusted us and was disappointed in us. And the fact that we got into a club that we weren't allowed in, where alcohol was being sold was just icing on the deep trouble cake.

So we all had 10PM curfews now, no exceptions, unless it was cleared with a parent (like if we wanted to spend the night at Maggie's or something), and we certainly weren't allowed to be just going out without him knowing where we were going. Even though Claudia did that today.

I watched Gracie, I cleaned the bathrooms, and then Mary Anne and I made dinner. We were going to make chicken tortilla roll ups (some recipe Mary Anne found in a box), because we figured that there would be some sort of white meat in the house. Even Dawn will sometimes eat white meat. However, there wasn't any. It was all tofu and I wasn't going to touch more tofu, so we decided it was shopping time.

Dawn and Stacey went and got the stuff we needed for dinner, (and real milk. They only had soy milk.) and Mary Anne and I cooked it, and it was surprisingly good and eating the meat was good. I think over the past couple of weeks I've been eating tofu, and that needs to stop. The vegetable pizza wasn't bad, I guess.

My hand hurts. I'll finish this later.

Later, July 6th/Actually July 7th

Anyway, Stacey, Dawn, and I went over to Ducky's to hang out with him and Justin. We invited Mary Anne to come along, but she went over to Sunny's.

Ducky drove us to the mall and Stacey, Dawn and Ducky compared earrings to tops (It was like coming out let Ducky feel even more free to do the stuff he likes. Like fashion advice.). I went to go over to a sports store and Justin came with me.

"I'm not really that into all this stuff. Not anymore," Justin said. "I do track. I used to play soccer in junior high, but I didn't have time for both. Now, being in the band, I don't have time for much of anything."

"The Baby-Sitter's Club recently disbanded, well sort of. We still do some sitting, but it's not nearly as formal as it was. And then we came here," I said. "I don't know what I'm going to do with my free time when we get back. I'd go out for sports, Stoneybrook High doesn't have a girls softball team."

"What do they have?" Justin asked.

"Soccer, basketball, field hockey, lacrosse, and track." It turns our digging through all of this before school ended was a great idea. "I'd go out for track, but my legs aren't long enough. Plus I like team sports."

"I guess that nixes basketball too. What about soccer? There's a lot of running, sure, but that's not the goal." He paused and thought about what he said. "No pun intended."

I laughed. "No soccer either. My friend Abby plays soccer and, well... we're competitive enough anyway."

"God, you're difficult. Lacrosse?"

"Never played it. I have no idea how to." I figured it wasn't time to be proud. Besides, what was Justin going to do? Laugh at me? Who knows how to play lacrosse?

Well, I was surprised. Justin did. After laughing at me.

"You don't play lacrosse," I said. "And isn't women's lacrosse different from the way men play?"

"The only difference is that you don't wear as much gear because you can't hit people with your stick. And, no, I don't play lacrosse, never have. However, my mother did in college. Back before she became a workaholic, she used to babble on about it for hours. I know what I'm talking about. I promise."

I realized then that this is the most I've heard Justin talk all summer long. I hadn't really thought about him. Turns out to be a really cool guy.

"I'm free tomorrow if you want to come by my house. I could go over the basics with you and maybe do some playing," Justin offered.

Dawn, Stacey, and Ducky came into the store.

"I bought the earrings, but not the shirt," Stacey said. "I was going to get it, but Dawn reminded me that I needed to be able to fit all my stuff in my suitcase when it was time to go home."

"Good thinking," I said absently.

"And since I'll probably be doing more shopping before we go home..." Stacey thought for a moment. "I wonder if I should buy another suitcase."

"No!" Ducky teased. "Because do you know who'll have to carry them around? Me!"

"A big strong man like you can't carry one itty bitty suitcase?" she teased him right back.

"An itty bitty suitcase along with everything else you own."

"It's not that bad!"

I picked up a lacrosse stick and bonked Stacey on the head with it. "Check it out. Justin's going to teach me how to play lacrosse."

"Lacrosse?" Dawn asked. "What about softball?"

"No girls softball team at SHS," I said.

"How is that SMS has an _archery_ team, but SHS doesn't have a softball team?"

I rolled my eyes. "I know."

"You play lacrosse?" Ducky asked Justin.

"I think it's a great idea," Stacey said. "You can channel all that rage you used on yelling at us for being late to meetings."

"Har Har," I said, rolling my eyes. Dawn thought the comment was very funny, however. Justin was busy explaining the lacrosse story to Ducky.

We got back home and Justin gave me the directions to his house. We walked in the door just after ten. Mr. Schafer didn't say anything.

"I wonder how long this curfew thing will be until he forgets about it," Stacey said.

"Is Claudia back yet?" Dawn asked. "She's been gone all day."

"Not yet," Mary Anne said from the rec room. Sunny was sitting with her on the floor with a huge box of makeup open, sprawled out everywhere.

"She better get home soon," I said.

"Again, how long will the curfew thing last?" Stacey asked.

"Well, at least today. I mean, we were ten minutes late," Dawn said. "But if Claudia is much later, there probably will be some trouble."

Just then, Claudia burst into the rec room. "I lost track of time," she said. She flopped down on her sleeping bag, pulled out her hair clips and took off her shoes. She crawled into the bag.

"Claudia, are you okay?" Stacey asked carefully.

"I'm fine. I'm just sleepy."

"It's only ten."

"I'm sleepy."

"Don't you want to wash off your makeup?"

"No. I just want to sleep."

We all exchanged a five way look (it's really hard to do) and let it go.

I'm going to bed now. I need sleep before I go over to train with Justin.

July 7th

When Justin said he wanted to teach me lacrosse I didn't realize he was a SLAVE DRIVER FROM HELL.

Okay, really, he's not that bad, but I'm worn out. We went over the rules, and he taught me some maneuvers.

"Lacrosse for women is non-contact. I think it's stupid and unfair because men can," Justin said. "However, that doesn't make the game any less aggressive. Actually, it's probably more aggressive. But anyway, the key is the check the crosses, hitting it out the opponent's net and then getting it into yours to make a goal."

"Got it," I said.

After about an hour, we finally took a break. I hadn't worked out so hard in ages. It felt good, even though my legs were killing me and I was sweating like a pig. It was a blast.

Justin is REALLY cool. He may not talk a lot - until you get him onto a subject he likes. We talked sports (lacrosse and baseball mostly), music (Vanish compared to other bands), and then we somehow got onto the subject of Ducky.

"I don't even know him that well," Justin admitted. "We've been at the same school for five years now? We're not in the same grade, even. But... The past few months, it's like. I dunno." He seemed kind of embarrassed, but he was smiling.

I took a swig on my Gatorade. "Justin, how did you... you know? Know?"

"What the bi thing?" He shrugged. "I'd caught myself thinking things I hadn't really thought before. About guys. Mostly about Ducky, though. That's where it really came from. Why do you want to know, Kristy? You're not...?"

"No," I said, laughing. "Believe me, I've thought about it. When you're a tomboy, when you like sports, play hard, they all ask about it. I first heard the word 'dyke' in sixth grade and it's been following me around ever since, but I figure I'm straight. But then again, I'm thirteen. Who knows."

"That's a great outlook. Keep an open mind."

"But... I know what I know," I added.

He nodded.

"I went to Europe and kissed a guy in front of the Eiffel Tower."

"Impressive," Justin said, smiling.

We chatted on, and then got into conversation about divorce and remarriage.

"Both of my parents got remarried," I said. "My mom last year, and my dad, not long ago at all. But my dad... not really someone I care about a lot. He walked out on us when I was six. Right after my younger brother was born."

Justin swore. "My Dad left us, my mom, Mike, and me. He only went to Oakland, though. He used to come and visit us once a month, but that faded into every other month, then just holidays, and now... I saw him last summer, but it was an accident. We just ran into each other at the state fair."

"That happened to me too. I saw him at a baseball game when I was on a cross-country trip with my friends."

"A cross country trip and a trip to Europe? In, what? A year?"

I shrugged. "But yeah. My Dad wasn't really... around. But when he was... you'd think he was father of the year. My step-father, Watson, he's more of a father than my real dad was. Dad was a father when it was fun, when it wasn't the tough times. Watson, he... sticks through when it's tough."

"You're lucky. My mom probably won't get remarried. I'd be shocked if she did. She's married to her work now."

Okay. My hand's cramping. I guess I'm done.


	22. Dawn: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty-two: Dawn 

July 8th

I don't have much time to write, we're getting ready for Amalia's birthday party. It's also a party for Claudia, but we won't be exchanging gifts with her until her actual birthday on the 11th. But this is the big party for them both.

Yesterday Mary Anne, Stacey and I went out and got Amalia presents. Kristy was at Justin's, Claudia was out with Rico (second day in a row. She's here now, but he'll be at the party too), so it was just us.

It was fun, just being with my Stoneybrook friends for a while. We acted goofy, we pigged out on nachos at Starburst's (Stacey didn't eat as much to keep her diet balanced, and Mary Anne complained about how it didn't have any meat. _I _enjoyed them) and compared CD's with books, and funky tank tops to gift baskets from Bath and Body Works.

I settled on a CD from a band I liked that I thought Amalia would like too. Stacey and Mary Anne pooled their money for one of the gift baskets. It was a nice gift, especially since they don't know her as well.

"Did you get Amalia a gift?" I asked Claudia earlier.

"Yeah," she said, hunched over her computer. "Rico and I picked out something."

Claudia has been acting so strange the past couple of days.

I just went downstairs and gave Dad a very detailed scenario of where we were going to be, and that we would probably be later than ten, and if it was really late, we'd call for a ride home so we wouldn't have to walk home in the dark, unless he wouldn't want to be bothered then Ducky could just give us a ride and that would be a lot easier.

"If you are later than ten, call me. Then..." Dad paused and considered. "If it's later than eleven, Ducky can drive you home."

"How late...?"

He got a really serious look on his face. "Dawn, you are not going to undermine me."

"I just wanted to know how late we could stay out."

"I've trusted you for a long time," Dad said, "and I hate it that I don't feel like I can now."

And he went on for a while, but he basically just said to call. I sort of felt guilty about it, but it wasn't enough to promise I'd be back at ten.

Anyway, I need to finish getting ready.

July 8th (Or very early July 9th)

I'm really worried about Claud. I thought maybe she was just homesick or finally feeling the effect of all those Snickers bars. It's a lot worse than I thought.

Let me start at the beginning. I'd go to bed, but I don't know if I'd go through with writing it all.

The five of us walked over to Amalia's together. Mary Anne and Stacey were bickering about the wrapping on their present, Kristy was writing "and Kristy" underneath "from Dawn" on the tag on my present, and Claudia was watching the ground.

We got to the party and there were already some people there. Amalia knows a lot of upperclassmen through the band members. I don't really know any of them. But I saw Maggie and Tyler and I went over to them.

"How's it going?" I asked.

"Okay, so far," Maggie said. "No big scenes, but you know how things like this tend to go."

I nodded, but at the time, I thought that Maggie was being sort of negative.

Amalia came out of the house with a platter of fresh veggies (yum!) followed by her Dad who had a plate of hamburgers and hot dogs for grilling.

"Happy birthday!" I called.

"Dawn!" she said, setting the veggies down on a table that was already filled with food. She looked over my shoulder. She gave me a hug, which was sort of weird because Amalia and I aren't that close, and said, "I'm really glad you could make it."

"There's an awful lot of people I don't know," I admitted.

Amalia rolled her eyes. "A lot of crashers. The guys know so many people and when they just mention the word "party" even if it's my own backyard, they all jump the occasion. I was hoping for something fairly small. As you can see, it's not happening."

"You have enough food to feed an army."

"Yeah... Papi was hoping for leftovers. I don't think that's happening either."

"I saw all that... meat."

Amalia laughed at me. "Dawn, not everyone thinks the cows are sacred! Besides, there's plenty of veggies, and Isabel made a vegetable lasagna. Believe me, you are going to be so stuffed after tonight you won't eat for a week."

I laughed too.

"Eeeee!"

I spun around to see Claudia jumping into Rico's arms. Her legs were wrapped around his waist and she was smiling as she kissed him. The first time I'd seen her smile in a couple of days.

"They seem really happy," Amalia commented. "I'm going to hate it when they all leave. And not just seeing Claud and Rico break up."

"They _seem_ happy," I sort-of agreed.

More people showed up, a bunch of people I knew from school, a few people that I was getting introduced to. I nearly dropped my tomato juice when MANDY RICHARDS walked into the yard. I slipped away and hopefully I could avoid her. The Vargas' yard is fairly big.

Music started playing from a corner of the yard. A bunch of people started dancing.

Sunny walked into the yard with Ducky and Justin. I can still hardly look Sunny in the eye after what happened at the club. I still can't believe she was with that guy. I have no idea what went on there, but it can't be good. We're not even going into the fact that she was with a naked twenty-five some year man. I don't even want to think about it. But it's like talking about Sunny, that's all it takes.

Anyway, I'm of track. Getting distracted again. They were followed by Patti and Bruce (with some upperclassmen I didn't know).

The party went on, and I ate veggie lasagna that was fantastic. A lot of the strange upperclassmen left (Mandy with them, I hoped), and Amalia opened her gifts. She loved the gift basket and put the CD I got her right into the stereo. Claud and Rico had gotten her a really nice sketching pad and a package of special drawing pencils.

"Wow, thanks!" Amalia said.

There was a lot of dancing after that, especially since the party was a lot smaller now. I danced with Ducky, Bruce (whom I don't know very well, but is a really nice guy), this guy that Patti's friends with and was _sure_ we'd hit it off, plus we'd all just go out and dance together.

I was out having a great time when I heard screaming. Not like horror movie "the slasher is going to get me maybe someone will hear me in the middle of nowhere" screaming, but more like yelling and shouting, someone is really angry screaming.

I pushed by a couple of people who weren't really noticing the yelling and saw Claudia and Rico standing nearly nose-to-nose shouting at each other.

It was really weird. Kristy yells when she's angry. So do Dad, Sunny, and probably a dozen other people I know. Claudia, however, isn't one of them. She's more a sulk and talk to you through someone else (It was really annoying at BSC meetings) sort of angry. She's a grudge holder. She is not a screamer.

But there she was in a screaming fight with Rico. And that was weird since they'd been so cute and happy like an hour before.

"What's going on?" Mary Anne was suddenly at my side.

"I don't know..." I was just staring. I know it's rude, but I couldn't help it. I don't remember all they said, it was all pretty accusatory, though. Finally, I guess when they realized they had an audience, they went their separate ways.

"Do you think they've been fighting a lot?" Mary Anne asked.

"I don't know. That would explain why would Claud's been acting so weird," I replied.

"Maybe she could use a break... from all of this. I mean, Dawn, this vacation is great and all, but it's been pretty intense for a lot of us."

"Or at least you romancers," I said, teasing her slightly.

She made a face, but smiled. "I'm just saying. Maybe we could use a vacation from our vacation."

It seemed like a great idea. But what?

I was talking to Maggie who was acting, well, not strange, but just more down on herself than usual. She's been that way a lot lately.

"I can't believe I got Amalia such a horrible gift," she said.

"Maggie, you got her the actual staff that Gandalf carries in the Lord of the Rings movies. She was crying."

"One of the staffs. He had more than one. But that's not it. I didn't put any real thought into that. It's just a movie prop. What else can I get people?"

As much as I try to be a good friend, I can't deal with Maggie's negative attitude all the time. I try to be a positive, and I really believe in the power of positive thinking, and when Maggie gets this way, I feel like I'm in a cage or something.

"It's a great gift," Tyler assured her. "Amalia loves those movies. You wouldn't have gotten it for her if she didn't."

I'm glad he can deal with it, because it's just too much for me.

"I told you there'd be a scene," Maggie said, getting the subject off herself. "I can't believe Claudia and Rico got into it like that. They seemed so close."

I shrugged. I had the feeling Claud and Rico would be the topic of conversation a lot lately. I didn't want it to turn into gossip. It would, though.

When it got dark around nine-thirty, everyone was gone except for my Stoneybrook friends, Ducky, Justin, Sunny, Maggie, Tyler, Bruce, and Patti. Rico had left sometime after the fight. We went inside and watched movies until after midnight when Ducky drove us home.

I'd say... it was a good night. In the big picture.

July 9th (at a reasonable hour)

I had a great idea. I couldn't call it that or Kristy would be down my throat. I e-mailed my step-cousin Lena and asked if we could stay for a day or two. She e-mailed me back nearly right away and agreed that it was a great idea and we were welcome whenever.

First, I called Ducky to see if he had any plans for the next few days. He had to work at Mr. Winslow's store, but he suggested calling Justin. So I did (feeling a little awkward since I don't know Justin that well) and Justin said he could drive us up to Lena's house and spend a few days.

Given that Dad said it was okay.

Dad wasn't very keen on the idea of a boy he didn't know driving us anywhere for a few days. He kept going on about horror stories he's read in the newspaper. Finally, I figured that the only way we could get away with this was to tell Dad that Justin was gay (even though that was only half true).

And suddenly everything turned around. He and Carol didn't mind Justin at all anymore. I guess they figure he wouldn't kidnap us or something. Who knows what grown-ups think about guys, but anyway, one thing I like about living in California: Everyone has such an open mind.

He talked to Justin and wanted to talk to his mom, but Justin assured him that his mom couldn't be bothered and it would be fine. He was very yes-sir, no-sir, thank you-sir the entire time. I think Dad called Justin's mom, but I don't know. Either way, Justin's driving us to Lena's.

So we have an official no boys allowed trip. Except for Justin, but he doesn't really count.

We somehow got everyone together to let them know about the trip. Everyone is really excited. We leave tomorrow morning.


	23. Stacey: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty-Three: Stacey 

July 10th

Luck isn't my friend. I got stuck in the middle of the back seat. I'm on this like... hump in the seat. My butt fell asleep half an hour ago. We flipped a coin and I lost. Mary Anne is on my left (also writing in her journal) and Claudia is on my right (staring out the window.) In front of me in the middle of the seat is Kristy (talking to Justin) and Dawn is on her right (journal writing as well).

Yeah, it's just us on the trip. Sunny, Amalia, Ducky, and Maggie all had to work. Mary Anne wanted to invite Derek, but we decided that it was girls only. Besides, Justin didn't have enough room for a seventh person.

I like Justin. He's not as much of "one of the girls" as Ducky is, and he gets more flirting from girls than Ducky does, but he's as much of a nice guy. I mean, he's willing to drive five teenage girls three hours, spend three days with them, and go drive them back to Palo City. Would a creep do that? No, I don't think so.

I think Dawn really had a good idea in this trip. After watching Claudia and Rico fight like that (Claud and I have had some doozies of a fight, but no screaming at each other in public types of fight. I've never seen my best friend scream like that before), it's good for her to get away.

I tried to talk to her about it last night, but she was closed off as usual. But this morning she was acting like nothing had happened between her and Rico.

"I'm going to miss Rico while we're gone," she said.

I gave her a funny look. "I thought you two were fighting."

"What? Oh, that. No, we made up." She looked away.

"Claudia, what's going on? Is something... I mean, with you and Rico?" I wasn't sure what I was expecting to hear. I can't be judgmental of anything Claudia and Rico have done, considering the things I've done.

At this point, I don't even want to tell her because she'll be hurt that I didn't tell her before. And I don't even know why I didn't tell her.

Well, the first time, with Sam, I felt ashamed. I felt like a slut. I can hardly even write it out. It was awkward and weird. It was a little better with Ethan. Ethan and I dated a lot longer than Sam and I did, and I had a better idea what I was doing.

I don't want to think about it. But I want Claudia to tell me. I guess that's one-sided and selfish.

July 10th 8:45

I love it here. I don't care what's going on, this place is so wonderful. The Stentson's live on this big farm which would normally not be my thing at all (Give me concrete and skyscrapers!), but it's so nice and relaxing. Sort of like that feeling I get in Stoneybrook, especially if I've just come home from New York.

We got to meet Dawn's step-cousin Lena. She and Mary Anne met her at a family reunion a week or so ago. She's twelve and really cute. Short and petite, with dark hair and eyes (she sort of reminds me of Charlotte).

Then we met Lena's 16 year old twin brother and sister that Dawn and Mary Anne hadn't met, Mac and Rita. Rita was short for Margaret (how you get Rita out of that, I don't know), and, well, Mac never told us what his name was short for. I got the feeling it was something embarrassing. I don't usually tell people what my name is short for.

Rita started flirting with Justin, and he was really nice about it and very gently said that he was in a relationship. I thought that was enough to leave it at, but Kristy (of course, Kristy, who else?) said, "With a guy."

Well, that made Rita feel even stupider, you could tell, but Justin was really nice about the whole thing. If he wasn't involved with Ducky, I'd probably be flirting with him too.

I went horseback riding, which I hadn't done since I was at Camp Mohawk, and I really didn't remember anything about riding. Mac helped me, though.

"I missed this," Claudia said, looking happy on the back of her horse. "For disliking anything sports related, this riding thing is really chilly. I haven't been since Camp Mohawk. I wish Rico could be here. That would have made this perfect."

This is where I made my big mistake. "Clauda, don't you think you're... going really fast with Rico?"

She gave me a VERY startled look. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, you spend all your time with him, you're out with him all day, and you come back and completely ignore everyone and close us out when you're with us. Anytime you talk, it's about Rico. That's... sort of, I mean..."

"What are you trying to say, Stacey?" Claudia asked. "Because I don't think anyone thought horrible things about you when you talked about nothing but Robert, Ethan, Sam, or whoever else you're dating at the time! Just because I don't date five guys in the course of a year doesn't mean that I can't have strong feelings for someone."

"I know that," I said. "I just don't want you to get in over your head."

"I'm not. I know exactly what I'm doing."

"What... what are you doing?"

Her face sort of crumpled, like she was going to cry, but she didn't. She didn't say anything, she just dug her heels in and her horse sped up and she left me in the dust.

I don't know what to do. I really don't want Claudia to make the same mistakes I have. But what if she already has? I guess I should have told her about everything when it happened. It's too late now.

For both of us.

July 11th

Last night sort of made up for the horseback riding trip. Afterwards, after we all got showers, we went out back and Mac, Rita, and Lena built a big bonfire out back and we roasted marshmallows (well, they roasted marshmallows. Dawn and I roasted apples and they were delish) and we swapped funny baby-sitting stories (all three of them baby-sit).

Claudia still wasn't talking to me, but it was easy to ignore when I was having such a good time. It wasn't easy to ignore the fact that Claudia was so obviously NOT having a good time. I guess the pain of not having Rico there was too much for her to bear.

This morning we went swimming in the Stentson's pool. I'm glad I remembered my bathing suit. I was the only one wearing a bikini and that made me feel self-conscious. No one mentioned it (though Mac did look a bit longer), so I felt a little bit better.

It's been a lot of fun to hang out with Dawn, almost like we used to back in Stoneybrook. We snacked on veggies and whole wheat crackers and joked about Ho-Ho's. The only difference is still that I would eat the Ho-Ho's if I could, and Dawn doesn't touch them because she doesn't want to. However, I'm still grateful to her because I'm not the only one who doesn't have treats.

Claudia went inside to call Rico on her cell phone. I sighed and turned to Dawn. "Do you think she's..."

"Spending way too much time with Rico?" she finished.

I nodded. "I'm really concerned that she's... you know, doing stuff with him." Stacey the sophisticated can't use the correct terms for anything.

"She's thirteen!" Mary Anne said, overhearing our conversation. "People our age don't... do things with boys. Not beyond kissing."

I felt my stomach lurch. "Well, some do..."

Dawn gave me a blank look, but Mary Anne caught on. The look on her face was horrified. She gasped, "Oh, Stacey! What? With... oh..."

"It's just that Claudia hardly knows Rico. They've only been together a few weeks," I said, trying to get the conversation off of myself. It wasn't working.

"Stacey," Mary Anne said very seriously, "what happened? Were you molested?"

I rolled my eyes. "Mary Anne, I wasn't molested. It was always perfectly consensual."

"Always? It happened more than once?"

Kristy lifted herself out of the pool and looked at me. "Stacey, are you going to tell them?"

I sighed and said in a hurried voice, "I had oral sex with Ethan. And Sam."

Kristy cringed. "I still don't want to think about that."

"You didn't tell anyone, did you, Stace?" Dawn asked.

I shook my head. "Kristy, Sunny, and Ducky got it out of me a couple weeks ago. Against my will, and, um, well, Kristy's."

Kristy giggled.

Mary Anne was horrified, and Dawn seemed mildly interested.

"But, really, it was a mistake," I said, mostly to Mary Anne. "And I'm worried that Claudia is going to do the same thing."

"If she hasn't already," Dawn said. "Would... if she was doing that with him, that may explain what's she's being so distant. Wouldn't it?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "I certainly didn't want to tell anyone."

"That's if she's doing anything," Mary Anne said. She was trying to think that Claudia hadn't gone beyond kissing.

"Should we confront her?" Dawn asked. "I mean, there's a chance she just wants to keep to herself. Like she's just... too involved with spending time with him."

"Which is confrontable anyway," I said.

"Since she's acting so weird," Kristy said.

"I don't know, if she wants to talk to us, she will," Mary Anne said.

"Either way," I said, "I'm worried about her.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

We still haven't done anything. I guess we're going with Mary Anne's idea of just waiting until she comes to us, but who knows when that will be. I guess if I get worried enough and my best friend will listen to me, we'll talk about it.

I hope it's soon.

July 11th 7:10PM

We're going home tomorrow morning, which is kind of sad. This evening has been spent hanging out by the pool with Lena. Rita and Mac had college classes they go to over the summer. And they're 16! They're cool _and_ super smart.

Justin and Kristy were out in a field playing soccer. Lena, Dawn, and Mary Anne were inside making cookies (and some sugar free apple turnovers for Dawn and myself).

It was about then that I realized it was Claudia's birthday. I had this overwhelming guilt, but no one else had mentioned it, and Claudia hadn't mentioned it. So I looked over at her and said, "Happy birthday."

She paused and said, "You're right, it is my birthday. I'd completely forgotten." She sighed. "Fourteen is such a boring birthday. It'll be way cooler when I'm sixteen."

"Just two more years," I said, sighing happily. "Then we can drive."

"Spelling isn't on a driving test," Claudia said.

Good thing, too, I thought, but I wouldn't say that. Claudia was being civil for the first time all day.

"We'll throw you a party when we get back to Palo City," I said.

"I don't need a party, just a lot of presents." She grinned.

"What do you want?"

She waved a hand at me. "I'm kidding. You don't need to get me anything. Just being here with all of you and Rico, that's enough of a birthday for me."

"I'll get you some cool earrings," I said. "You can't have too many earrings."

"I need more belts. Then I can stop borrowing them from you."

I laughed. "I don't mind. It's not a vacation without us swapping clothes."

Notice how I made a point not to comment about Rico? I'm not looking to start another fight. How can I be Claudia's friend and try to, well, be a parent? I don't want her to get in trouble or go too far too fast like I did.

We were quiet for a while and finally I said, "Claudia, I have something to tell you."

She gave me a suspicious look. "It's not going to be about how I spend my time, is it?"

"No. It's how I used to spend my time. Remember when Sam and I used to fight? And when we broke up? When I was dating Sam, I uh... we did..." I swallowed and tried to organize my thoughts. "I, um, Sam and I, I, uh..." WHY WAS IT SO HARD? "I had oral sex. On Sam. And then again, on Ethan. And after both of them, I just... we fought all the time. It was like neither of us could do anything right."

Claudia stared at me. "Why are you telling me? I mean, why now? You went out with Sam ages ago."

"I know. I felt ashamed. I didn't tell anyone. Not until recently."

"Well, you're not dating them anymore. You can learn from those mistakes."

Sounds profound, right? Well, profound Claudia seemed to not get the point. Either that or she was hiding something. Still hiding something. I don't know if I can stand this much longer, getting the nearly silent treatment from my best friend.

I hope I find out soon.


	24. Mary Anne: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty-Four: Mary Anne 

July 12th, 10:55 AM (according to Justin's car radio clock)

I can't believe we're leaving already. I loved being at Lena's. She's so sweet. Her family is really nice too. You'd think my hand would hurt after writing so much the past few days, but it's all been so troubling. I thought this was a vacation from drama.

Last night Dawn and I got into another one of our fight... things.

"I can't believe Stacey," I said. "That she could do something like that."

"She's always been so much more mature than the rest of us. It's not surprising," Dawn said, sounding remarkably calm about the whole thing.

The idea made me feel sick in my stomach. Is that what happened when you date older guys? Would Derek want me to do that? (Not that we're dating)

"I mean, we're thirteen years old. Fourteen. How can people our age, Stacey, Claudia, even if they are more mature, how can they do that?"

Dawn shrugged. "It sounds disgusting to me, but to each their own."

"Dawn! This is our friends we're talking about. Can you even... I mean, imagine. Like Sunny with that guy at the club. She's fourteen years old. What could she even be doing with that guy? We haven't even gone through sex ed!"

"_We_ have. Not that it makes what she did right. And who knows what she was doing."

"I wouldn't even know what goes where," I admitted. "Did you know that I still haven't even gotten my period?"

Dawn shook her head, looking a little surprised. Which I don't blame her. I know Dawn got her's right after she moved to Stoneybrook (the first time). Even Kristy has her's, even though it only started this past April. I know Claudia's had her's since she was 11. Which is probably why she got breasts long before the rest of us.

I sighed. "I can't imagine doing stuff like that with a boy. Logan and I dated for a year and we never did anything beyond open mouth kissing. I loved him, and I don't think I could have ever... done that."

"It's called oral sex, Mary Anne," Dawn said. (Which is hard to write even now.)

I started to get pretty angry then, but I let the comment go. "Could you even imagine what Dad would say if he found out I had... oral sex with anyone?"

"Logan would be dead." She smiled mischievously. "He doesn't even know that Derek exists."

"Dawn! What in the world would make you think that I'd even THINK about doing that?"

She started laughing at me. "I'm teasing!"

"Just because I'm so immature you think you can joke about it? Just because I've never touched a, a, a penis before, when you've probably had your fair share, because you know so much more about it than I do. I'm sorry if I'm so terribly immature and stupid that it's all a big joke to you. Maybe I should just be going back to Stoneybrook where I can just stay immature and not know anything going into high school!"

Dawn stared at me (probably shocked that I said "penis," because I know that I was). She opened her mouth to say something, but I stomped out of the room.

Later on that night (while I was stewing in the kitchen over Oreos and milk) Justin came in and sat down across from me. He took some cookies and simply sat there.

"You heard the argument," I said, breaking the silence.

He thought for a moment and said, "Not on purpose."

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter. It's obvious how behind I am."

Justin shrugged too. "I don't think so."

"Well, you're not supposed to get a period." I can't believe I said that! But I was in such a funk that I wasn't shocked by it. I just said it.

He laughed. "No, Mary Anne, I mean... I'm a virgin. I've never really done anything other than kiss."

"Really?"

"Look, everyone does things at different paces. I mean, hell, I'm sixteen. I just got my sexuality figured out. Could I have even comprehended that at thirteen? I don't think so. You're already ahead of the game. Plus, you're mature enough to know what you want and don't want to do. Most people aren't that smart at your age. Hell, most people aren't that smart at my age."

"So I'm not totally weird?" I asked.

He shook his head. "You're way ahead the rest of us."

"When do I start to feel that way?"

"I don't know. I guess it's different for everyone. I knew I wasn't happy, but then I realized that I was discounting half of the population. I had been trying to make myself not think about guys, thinking about Ducky. I've spent the past two years struggling with this."

I stared. "You've had a thing for Ducky for two years?"

Justin shrugged. "No, well, sort of. I'd be pushing away how I felt about guys for two years. I wasn't able to let myself think that I was that way. But when I really started to think about it, and think about him... I couldn't push that away. It was too strong. I'd go for girls, I think I've really loved a lot of girls. But really, it's been him. So I don't think I've honestly felt like I was on top of things until now. Sometimes you can do it yourself. Sometimes you need friends."

I felt a lot better. He's such a nice guy. Ducky's really lucky. However, it didn't make me want to forgive Dawn. How could she be so condescending? Just because she's been in high school for a year already, it doesn't seem fair to think that I know nothing.

Even if, truth is, I don't. And Dawn knows that. But it doesn't give her a reason to treat me like some stupid baby.

July 12th 9:42 PM

Well, coming back to Palo City wasn't without its benefits. Today was possibly the best day of my life. Ever, ever, ever. Let me start at the beginning. Because this day has just been fantastic.

When we got back around noon, I called Derek to see if he wanted to go out. He said yes and we picked me up (after me telling Carol where I was going).

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"Anything," I replied.

"Do you mind taking a drive?" Derek asked. "I have an idea and I think you'll like it. I know this great place to eat."

"We can eat here, I don't need anything special."

He waved a hand. "Mary Anne, if you say yes, we can go somewhere special."

"Yes," I said, beginning to get paranoid. What if he was taking me to some hilltop overlooking the city to have sex? I've seen Grease, I DO know what happens in situations like that.

However, that's not what happened. We took a drive, but Derek took me to Hollywood! He parked his car and we walked to the Kodak Plaza. We strolled through some stores and then Derek took me to this really nice place called The Grill on Hollywood. It was fantastic, but really expensive. I wanted to split the bill, but he wouldn't let me.

Then we did some more shopping (I bought a birthday present for Claudia) and tried to peek into the Kodak Theatre, but it was too dark. We walked the streets, following some of the Walk of Fame (I pulled out my camera and took a picture of Snow White's star. I had no idea she had one) and went to Graumen's Chinese Theatre, which I've been to before, but it was still cool. I got some more pictures. I took Derek's picture with one of the big lion statues.

"This is so much fun," I said, as he took my hand. We went into a store that was full of little things that said "Hollywood" on them, and I bought a mini Oscar statuette that said "World's Best Grandma" for my grandmother.

"It's a lot more fun with you," Derek replied. I nearly melted he was so sweet.

We did some more walking and then WE GOT MUGGED. This guy tried to grab my purse and luckily I was clutching it and not just letting it dangle. He tried to grab it and run, but all he did was jerk me forward, practically pulling my arm out of its socket.

I screamed and panicked. Derek didn't, though, and punched the guy. Which made me scream again, but it was more out of shock. I know that Derek's really strong and big (he towers over me), but he's so gentle. What chivalry does to a guy! The would-be purse snatcher ran off.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" I asked. My voice was all panicked and screechy.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, are you okay, Mary Anne?" he asked. He sounded pretty panicky himself. "Is your arm okay? Are you hurt?"

"I'm okay," I said, crying a little bit. Just out of the scare.

"Do you have everything? Did he get any of it?"

I felt around in my purse. My wallet, camera, and cell phone were all there. "Seems okay," I replied. "That was just really scary."

He pulled me into a hug and held me for a few minutes.

"I think I'm ready to go," I said, sniffling a little.

"Yeah, let's go."

We went back to his car, and while we were walking there, I stopped dead in my tracks. "Derek! That's Cam Geary!"

You'd think after meeting Tyler, I'd know that movie stars are just like everyone else and I shouldn't treat them any different. Well, as much as I love Tyler's movies, I've loved Cam Geary FOREVER.

"Want to go be pushy and ask for an autograph?" Derek asked.

"Yes!"

We went over to him and my voice was really high pitched and my heart was pounding more than when we got mugged (with a day like this, I'm shocked I didn't have a heart attack). "Mr. GEARY?"

He turned and gave us that world-famous smile. "Hi."

"I love your movies," I said breathlessly. "And your tape. I had to buy it on CD because I wore out the tape."

"Thanks," he replied, still smiling. "Want an autograph?"

"YES!" I blushed bright red. Derek sort of snickered at me, but not in a mean way.

Cam opened up the briefcase he was holding and dug through it. He pulled out a glossy photo and a marker. "What's your name, hon?"

I couldn't speak, so Derek replied for me, "Her name is Mary Anne."

Cam signed the photo and handed it to me. His steady hand brushed against my shaking one. I nearly fainted. The autograph read, "To Mary Anne, Love, Cam."

Then Derek took my picture with Cam. CAM GEARY HAD HIS ARM AROUND MY SHOULDER AND I HAD MY ARM AROUND HIS WAIST. My life is really complete.

We got into Derek's car and I was staring at the photo.

"Oh man," Derek said, "you don't like me anymore. You're going to dump me for Cam Geary's photo."

I started laughing. "No, Cam Geary's photo doesn't kiss me back."

He grinned and he drove us back to his house. First we stopped at the video store and picked up a Cam movie on my request.

"He was holding a briefcase. He's, what? Sixteen? What kind of goof carries a briefcase full of photos of himself?" Derek teased me as I told the story to Ms. Thompson.

"Shut up!" I said, laughing. "He's an actor. He needs those photos for fans like me! I need to get that picture framed."

"Why don't you have it bronzed?"

I smacked his shoulder lightly.

As we curled up on the couch in his basement to watch the movie, I sighed happily, nearly in tears. "This has been the best day of my life."

Derek kissed my cheek and replied, "Mine too."

And it was. I'm going to bed happy. Very, very happy.


	25. Ducky: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty-Five: Ducky 

Late July 13th A Milestone

You're glad the girls are back from their mini-vacation. You missed them. You love hanging out with Sunny, but she's been really distant and more reserved since the incident at the club. You just do what you can to be supportive of her.

Today, you went over to Justin's with Stacey and Kristy. Kristy was there to practice lacrosse, so you and Stacey sat on the picnic table watching them, sharing a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke.

The weather is hot. After only a few minutes, both Justin and Kristy are sweating. It doesn't take long for Justin to take off his shirt. Your eyes widen. Justin shirtless was something you hadn't seen before. You like this, though are now suddenly very aware of your lack of abs beneath your t-shirt.

"When we were at the pool over the weekend, I noticed it too," Stacey says. "I wish you could have come."

You nod, suddenly wishing you could have come too.

You and Stacey chat, and you don't remember what leads to this question, but Stacey asks, "So, is Justin a good kisser?"

You pause for a long moment and say, "I wouldn't know. We haven't... you know, kissed."

"What? You guys have been together for over two weeks. You haven't kissed at all?"

"No," You say, thinking of how Justin greeted you today. He gave you a hug, the sort of gay TV couple greeting. It hardly seems realistic. You don't have a problem with hugging. Hugging Justin isn't a problem at all. You just wish that something more could happen.

"Oh, screw this," Kristy chucks her shirt too. She's wearing a white sports bra (a term you just learned today).

Kristy and Justin fight for the little ball, smacking sticks (crosses, they're called) against each other and Justin screaming at Kristy the things she's doing wrong, and her shouting right back at him.

You turn to Stacey. "You have to admit, this is pretty hot."

"Kristy should just wear a little mascara," she replies.

"Nah," you say, "look at her in that bra, sweating like crazy playing sports. You can tell that's what Kristy was made to do. That's hot."

Stacey studies her for a moment and then nods. "You're right. She just needs to find a guy who can deal with all that aggression." She pauses. "The mascara would run anyway."

You laugh and go inside. Stacey follows you and together you figure out how to use the percolator to make iced tea.

Stacey's digging through the fridge looking for an actual lemon instead of the REEL LEMON JUICE that's sitting in the door. You pour the hot tea into a pitcher and set it in the sink you filled with cold water. You add ice and hope it'll cool before they come in.

It doesn't. Justin and Kristy walk in about two minutes later.

"Iced tea! Just what we needed," Justin says. He stands next to you and leans over the sink to get a better look at the tea. He pushes away from the sink with one hand, and touches your shoulder blade with the other. Your knees buckle and you can hear Stacey snickering.

"So, Kristy," Stacey says, "too cool for shirts?"

Kristy laughs. "No, too hot. Aren't you glad I didn't get that black one, and went with the sports bra? I couldn't run around in just that black thing."

"It'd be better than the nothing you would have been running around in. Anyway, I guess the sports bra is better for you. Since it's you." Stacey relents. Then she turns on you. "Anyway, Ducky though you looked pretty hot out there."

Justin's head snaps toward you. "What?"

You, as always, say exactly what you mean. "I, no, uh, it's not like... I just meant... um, uh..."

"Both of you," Stacey supplies. "That both of you looked hot."

You nod. When Justin looks away, you give Stacey a bit of a glare and she returns with an apologetic expression.

You can't stay angry at these girls.

You pour the now mostly cold iced tea for everyone. Justin's hand brushes yours as he takes the glass from you. You don't know if this just something that happened or he did it on purpose.

You sit next to Justin and he puts his hand on yours like you've been together for years. It's this very comfortable, natural movement.

Justin and Kristy go back out and play some more. You and Stacey go grocery shopping for Justin. He doesn't have bread or eggs in the house. Something needs to be done and he made it clear that his mom wasn't going to be shopping anytime soon. He said it was fine and declined your offer, but you and Stacey insisted.

You come back and put things away. Kristy and Justin come back in and have more iced tea.

"I think we should call it day," Justin says to Kristy. "You're improving."

"Thanks," she replies. "So, Ducky, are you going to drive us home?"

"No, Kristy, we can walk," Stacey says before you can say anything. She drags Kristy out of the house before she can protest.

July 14th

You meant to finish that last night. But you fell asleep. Probably because everything leading up to the events are so boring.

Stacey and Kristy leave, leaving you and Justin alone.

You must remember to thank Stacey, buy her that shirt she wanted and carry her suitcases around forever.

"So," you say.

"So," Justin replies. He's smiling.

"Did you have a good time on the trip with the girls?" you ask.

"Yeah. Could have been better, though. If you could have come along. Not that you would have fit in my car with all of them, but, you know, we could have strapped Kristy to the roof."

You laugh. "She could take it."

"I missed you, you know," Justin says. He puts his hand on yours again, but then moves it and touches your face. You stand up, and then want to smack yourself for that. Justin doesn't seem offended. In fact he follows suit and stands up with you.

"I'm sorry," you say.

"Chris, you have nothing to be sorry for," he says. This time he wraps one arm around your waist (probably to keep you from running away) and runs his thumb from his other hand along your jawline. You're thinking that this seems sort of cliché, but you're not going to stop him, especially when you know what he's going to do.

He kisses you and all of your anxieties just pass. You realize that this is why you felt this way about Justin. That this is it.

You wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him back. Everything, for one moment, is right in the world.

Then things get weird and complicated.

The kiss is growing. It's not stopping, and you're not fighting this. Then Justin start kissing your neck and this is also quite enjoyable, and he's groping at your chest which is either habit from dating girls or he's trying to find muscles that just aren't there.

He works off your shirt and you're now VERY aware of your lack of abs, but Justin doesn't seem to notice. He's still kissing your neck and you hear a moaning, and it takes you a moment to realize that it's you.

Justin stops and pulls away only so his mouth isn't still touching you. "I've wanted to do that for ages. I can't believe I waited so long."

This is the first time you actually enjoyed kissing someone. But then again, you never kissed anyone quite like that before.

You kiss again and after a few minutes you find that Justin's hand is on the back of your pants, as if trying to find a way in through the denim. You pull away.

Justin stares at you for a second and says, "That was too far too fast."

You nod.

"Yeah, you're right. We have plenty of time to get there."

"I'm looking forward to it," you say.

Justin grins. "But we can keep kissing, right?"

"Yes. Oh yes."

You still have the bruise he left on your neck. Which is a problem this morning when you go to eat breakfast.

You innocently sit at the table and eat stale Cheeri-O's without milk straight out of the box with strangely old tasting orange juice.

"Hey, Ducky," Ted says sleepily, grabbing the box from you.

"Hi," you say. You take a drink of the orange juice and decide to just drink water.

Ted hasn't looked away and is now inspecting you carefully. "Is that a hickey?"

You touch the spot where Justin was kissing your neck. "Um, no?"

"It is! Christopher has a giiiiiirlfriend! Ha, and I was starting to think you were a fag.."

You don't say anything and Ted is too stupid to catch on.

"Which one is it? The blonde?"

Even though that describes half of the girls you know, you realize that he means Stacey.

"No," you replied. "A... brunette."

"Sucks. You can't beat a blonde," Ted says, walking away with the Cherri-O's.

You know that you can't hide this forever. And you don't want to be ashamed, and you're not. But Ted isn't going to take it as well as your friends do. You have no idea what your parents would say, but it doesn't really matter since your parents aren't going to be home until Christmas if you're lucky.

You need to call Stacey to plan that shopping trip. She can have anything she wants.


	26. Maggie: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty-Six: Maggie 

7/14

Dad still isn't talking to me. Well, I mean, he's talking to me, but he isn't drilling me about my schedule, about how I need to go to college and work in movies like he does. Usually I'd like it, but it's been 10 days since the Bash. It's been 10 days that he hasn't been talking to me.

I shouldn't have sung the song.

But I did and now it's too late. Oh well. I guess it could be worse. He could still be on my back about everything. Now I'm getting away with nearly anything. I didn't get home until after one o'clock the night of Amalia's birthday, didn't call for the driver. Justin drove me home and I seemed nearly normal. Dad knew and didn't say anything.

Today Tyler started on his new movie, that he's filming here in LA. While he'll be really busy, 12 hour days, but at least he'll be in town. I can see him, I can go on set if I want. Even if it's not one of Dad's movies, someone is bound to know me. And Tyler will probably put me on a guest list anyway.

But that does give me a lot of free time because we were hanging out so much since he'd just gotten back from New York, and had to start his new movie so soon. But now all of my spare time is totally freed up.

So today I went out with Dawn, Kristy, and Mary Anne. We went to the mall and hung out. When we were hanging out at Starburst's for lunch, Mary Anne was talking about how she met Cam Geary. She looked at me.

"But I guess you know him."

"No, I don't," I said. "He's been at our house for parties and stuff, but I've never actually met him."

Mary Anne seemed pleased by this response. I didn't want to tell her that I think his movies are annoying, and when I've been forced to sit through them, I usually fall asleep.

I changed the subject. "So how are things going with your guy friend? Derek?"

"Oh, great," she replied. "He's so sweet. I'm not looking forward to leaving. Not that I wanted to go before I met him."

Dawn looked at Kristy. "So, Kristy, any guys in your life? How are things going with Bart?"

"Bart? Eh, nothing except Krusher's games," Kristy replied. "We broke it off, whatever it was we had."

"No guys at all?"

"No, I mean, you know how it goes. Meet guys on trips, but no one in Stoneybrook. I still go to some dances with Alan Gray. But there's... no one."

Dawn looked disappointed. "You didn't even find a in-Cali lover while you're here like Mary Anne and Claudia?"

"Derek isn't a lover!" Mary Anne said.

Kristy looked a little shy (which I know is really odd for her), but she shrugged. "No. Not really." She paused. "You know me, Dawn, guys are boring and gross in my book. It hasn't changed and it probably won't be for quite some time."

Dawn looked even more disappointed. She looked at me. "So how are things going with Tyler?"

"Oh, okay. I was glad when we could just hang out and do stuff. But now that he's working, and that's such long hours, I'll have to go on set to visit him and you know how I hate doing stuff like that. I don't even go and visit Dad on set. Not that he wouldn't throw a fit if I did. Unless I was there to direct or produce, or even act. But if I was there to just visit him? He'd have a cow."

She nodded, sort of sadly. She's so lucky to have such a good relationship with her Dad. I mean, they got in such trouble when they went to that club, and if I had done that, Dad wouldn't even bother. He gets uptight about things that no one would even think about, and is relaxed about the sort of things that would sent regular parents into shock.

We paid the bill and went wandering around the mall. Kristy and Mary Anne went to the pet store and I was going to go with them, but Dawn wanted to get a birthday gift for Claudia, so I went with her (it's not fun to walk around the mall alone).

Then something horrible and embarrassing happened. We were looking at bracelets at Claire's and this girl looked at me and went, "You're Maggie Blume!"

I jumped. People don't recognize me. I'm a producer's daughter. People don't even recognize him, let alone me. I stared at her. "Uhhh..."

"I saw your picture on the internet with Tyler Kendall! Tyler Kendall is the best actor alive! He's so totally hunky! I'm, like, so jealous of you because you're dating Tyler Kendall! Ohmigod, what's it like dating Tyler Kendall?"

"Normally we just call him Tyler," I said.

She stared at me and let out an ear-piercing laugh. "You're so funny! Are you an actress too? You have an IMDB page, you know. You're so pretty, you could be in movies, and you have such great connections!"

"Um, thanks." I backed away, and grabbed Dawn who was staring at this scene not sure how to react to it.

"Can you get me in the movies? I love to act! Do you love to act? Does Tyler love to act? I'll bet he loves to act. He's so good. Do you think he'll win an Oscar? It'd be so great if he won an Oscar."

I was starting to get a headache from her babbling. "I have to go," I said. I dragged Dawn out of the store. I went straight to a bathroom and threw up.

This is why I hate Hollywood. I hate Dad dragging me to premieres, I even sort of hate Tyler for having me go with him too. I don't want to be treated like some kind of god. I hate it when people do that to do Dad and to Tyler. Why can't they see that actors and producers (and their girlfriends/daughters) are just people? That's why so many celebrities have bloated heads. It makes me sick.

I'm glad Tyler isn't like that.

I should go to bed. I have to work tomorrow, even if it's only for four hours. I need to get some sleep.

7/15

I don't know what to say. I came home from work and I had a message from Amalia to call her. So I did, and she was crying, and asked if she could come over. I said yes, of course, and she arrived just a few minutes later (I think she got a ride. If I were her parents, I wouldn't let her walk here bawling her eyes out).

"What's going on?" I asked when Amalia came into my room.

She couldn't talk for a moment, and when she regained her composure. She took a deep breath. "Brendan's coming home early."

"And this is... bad?" I asked.

"Yeah. He's, he's coming home early because his dad has cancer. Lung cancer."

"Oh my god," I said. "Is he all right? I mean, is it very progressed?"

"It doesn't look good, but it's still early. They put him on medication right away. Brendan's mom called me after she got a hold of Brendan." Amalia started crying again and I handed her a box of Kleenex.

"Do you know his dad well?

"Yeah, pretty well. I mean, he's there when I go over. He's a really nice guy. He doesn't smoke or anything, but he works with people who do. Second hand smoke has given him lung cancer. He's only forty-five. It's not fair!"

"It's not," I agreed. "But that's life."

"I know, I know." Amalia sort of fell over on my bed and was sobbing. I wrapped my arms around her and held her.

"When's Brendan getting back?" I asked.

"This evening. I'm going with his mom to pick him up from the airport. She asked me to come. I told her that if they wanted family time, I could understand that. But she told me that I was part of the family, and that, that Brendan could use all the support he could get. He and his Dad are pretty close." Amalia sat up and wiped her eyes.

She didn't stay for much longer, and I made her get a ride with the driver because I didn't want her walking home crying.

I felt horrible. I'd never met Brendan's Dad, but things like this make you reorganize your priorities. Or at least your thoughts about things. I was worried about annoying teeny-boppers recognizing my picture from the internet, when Brendan's dad has cancer.

And it has to be lung cancer, doesn't it? I know that Amalia is thinking about Mrs. Winslow. I know I am. I mean, I'd grown up with her. Mrs. Winslow was someone familiar. Amalia didn't have that with her, and I know she felt that death even though she'd only know Sunny (and I don't know if she'd even met Mrs W.) a few months. Is that how she feels about Brendan's dad?

I need to talk to Tyler, but he's too busy right now. The beginning of filming is really rough. Maybe I'll call Ducky. He's a good listener.


	27. Sunny: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Sunny

Friday 7/16, 2:40 AM

I'm at Dawn's right now. I'm spending the night here. I've been doing some serious hanging out with my friends, since I haven't had the chance to really do that since Amalia's party. I also haven't written in here since then. I've been working double hours at the store to make up for my cut in pay. My last check had a 25 dollar bonus on it so Dad isn't as bad as I thought.

All that work A. Keeps me tired B. Keeps me worn out and C. Puts me in good with Dad. One out of three isn't too bad. Oh wait, yes it is.

Anyway. Tonight Dawn hosted a sleepover for all of us. Amalia and Maggie both declined the offer, and, of course, Ducky and Justin couldn't come because Mr. Schafer isn't THAT liberal.

Well, and then there's Claudia. It's three in the morning right now and Claudia still hasn't come back from her date with Rico. Mr. Schafer and Carol have no idea. They came in here (the rec room) last night at 10:30 and we told them that Claudia was in the bathroom. No questions asked, they went to bed.

Every now and again, we try calling her cell phone, but we just get her voice mail.

I first got to Dawn's at six-thirty right after I left Ducky at work (he was stuck there until closing at ten). I brought my stuff with me to work, so I didn't even have to stop at home. I was greeted warmly by Mary Anne, Stacey, and Dawn. Kristy was at Justin's.

"Hey, we just made some fruit turnovers," Dawn said as I dropped my stuff at the door. She gave me a look and I picked my stuff up and took it to the rec room.

"Lena gave us the recipe," Dawn continued as I came back into the kitchen. "We have apple, pear, and blackberry. I picked the blackberries myself."

I had the sudden mental image of Dawn in one of her peasant dresses, running barefoot through the woods dropping freshly picked blackberries into a wicker basket.

I stifled a giggle. "Sounds great."

About an hour or so later, Kristy came back to Dawn's, sweating like a pig, her clothes dirty and grass-stained. She grunted a sort of hello and headed straight for the shower.

"Justin must have worked her hard," Stacey said. "They get along really well, though, so it couldn't have been that horrible."

"And seeing Justin run around in a sweaty t-shirt for two hours?" I said. "Hello, that's not painful."

"When I was there with Ducky, Justin was running around shirtless," Stacey said.

"Oh man," I said, pretending to faint. I sat up straight. "I swear, if they ever break up, I'm going to... well, do nothing because then Justin would be Ducky's ex, and Ducky comes first, but I'd think about doing something."

Everyone laughed. Dawn looked pleased. I guess because I wasn't sleazing around in clubs and I'm thinking of my friends first or something. Which I always have. Sometimes.

"Yeah, Justin is really hot," Dawn replied, picking the last pear turnover off the tray. "I think we can all agree on that."

"He's good-looking," Mary Anne agreed carefully. "I don't know, I like blondes."

"Can't beat tall, dark, and handsome," I said, sighing a bit.

"So, Dawn," Stacey said. "How are things going for you with the guys?"

"What guys?" Dawn replied. "I haven't gone out on a date since I moved back here at the beginning of the school year. This guy Ducky was friends with hit on me one time. That's the closest thing to a date I've been on."

"You're kidding me," Stacey said, sounding shocked.

I didn't find it shocking. Dawn would much rather judge everyone else on their love lives than have one of her own.

"Nope. I haven't kissed a guy since Lewis. Remember, Logan's cousin?"

"That was ages ago!" Stacey said.

"I know." Dawn sighed.

Kristy walked down the hall into the kitchen with the rest of us wearing a clean tank top and clean shorts. Her hair was sopping, like she hadn't bothered with a towel.

"Kristy, you're going to drench the turnovers," Dawn said, obviously glad for a topic change.

"Sorry." Kristy grabbed a dish towel and rung her hair out in it. She sat down at the table and grabbed a turnover.

"How was it at Justin's?" Mary Anne asked.

Kristy shrugged. "It was fine. I don't think I'm going to have a problem making it on the lacrosse team. The coach can't be any worse than Justin. He's a slave driver."

"Were you two running around the yard shirtless again?" Stacey asked.

"WHAAAAAT?" I shouted. "BOTH of them?"

"Bra!" Kristy said. "I have a bra, it was a sports bra. And, yes, Stacey, we were. It's so hot outside, it's not worth modesty."

Stacey laughed. "I was teasing you. We were talking about how hot Justin is. You're the one rubbing up against him trying get the ball out of the net thingy."

I wondered then if it was just my imagination, or if Kristy was blushing.

"Ducky's lucky." Stacey looked to Kristy. "Did they finally kiss? Did Justin tell you?"

Kristy didn't say anything, so I spoke up.

"They did," I said. "Days ago. Ducky told me."

"Ooooo!" Mary Anne said. "That's so romantic."

"Romantic," Kristy echoed in a hollow sort of voice. "Yeah."

Finally, since no one else seemed to notice, I said, "Kristy, is something up?"

If looks could kill. "No, I'm fine."

"Man, Justin's abs must be rock hard," Stacey said. "They have such... shape."

Dawn started giggling and Mary Anne joined her.

Wait. What's that sound? I think Claudia's back.

Friday, 3:20 PM

I'm back at my house. After Claudia got back, things were a little crazy. But I'm going to start back where I left off.

We were sitting around talking about Justin, and Kristy very suddenly stood and left the room, taking an apple turnover with her.

"What's up with her?" Stacey asked.

Mary Anne shrugged. "Maybe I should go talk to her."

"Maybe she just wants to be left alone," Dawn said.

"Probably," I said. Disregarding my own words, I got up and followed Kristy down the hall to the rec room. "Kristy?"

She looked at me from her sleeping bag where she was currently lying on her stomach her head up enough so her mouth could reach the turnover. "What do you want?" she asked, her mouth half full.

"What's going on?" I sat down in front of her. "Is there something happening with you and Justin?"

The words just came tumbling out of my mouth. I hadn't even thought that. Not consciously. I felt my stomach drop out after I said it. What if Justin was cheating on Ducky? It would break Ducky's heart. He hasn't been this happy, probably since I've known him. He's gone through so much shit, a relationship that was just starting to take off couldn't even last a month because the guy he picked was cheating scum?

"No," Kristy said. I started to breathe again.

"Then what is it?"

"Nothing's going on with me and Justin. Just me." She shook her head and stuffed the rest of the turnover in her mouth. She chewed on it like she was trying to kill it. When she swallowed, she continued, "I'm... I..."

"You like him," I said, everything coming together.

She nodded, looking miserable. "I don't want to. I just want to learn how to play lacrosse. I don't need this. And I'm not looking for anything, I swear. I'm leaving in two weeks anyway."

"I believe you," I replied. "It's just... wow. I mean, I like Justin, but I couldn't think of him like that. Even when Maggie liked him, it was just he's really good looking, and that's about as far as it goes for me."

"Well, as much as I'd hate to admit it, Stacey was right. All that... closeness. When I should be concentrating on the practice, I'm concentrating on the muscles in his arms. Or his abs. Or..." Kristy dropped her face onto the floor. She mumbled something, but I couldn't make it out.

"What?"

She looked at me. "His butt."

I laughed.

"It's not funny! Today was the worst. We tripped and fell over and my hand landed right on his butt. It was so embarrassing. He didn't even notice."

"Maybe he gets it all the time."

"No," Kristy said. "He didn't notice because he loves Ducky."

"He LOVES Ducky?" I repeated.

She nodded. "He hasn't said it, but I know that's how he feels. You can tell when he talks about him."

Hmmm... interesting. However, I realize it's not MY place to tell this to Ducky. How am I going to keep my mouth closed?

"I should be shot," Kristy said.

"Why?"

"I can't ever be normal. When a guy wants to be with me, I shove him away. When I want to be with a guy, he has a boyfriend. This always happens. Well, at least the first one."

I shrugged. "All the guys I know think I'm a slut. And I am, it seems."

Kristy nodded. "I could be in your situation."

I grabbed Claudia's pillow and hit her with it. "Shut up!"

She laughed. "I'm kidding!"

"I know, but it's mean." I was smiling. "Do you want to come back to the party, now?"

She nodded. We went back into the kitchen.

We talked about things OTHER than Justin until it was dark and then we went into the rec room and Dawn put in a House on Haunted Hill and we sat there in the pitch black screaming at all the right moments. I'd seen it before, but it was still fun to watch. Mary Anne spent more time with her face covered than watching it.

When the movie was over, Dawn held up another dvd. "Anyone up for The Ring?"

"No!" Mary Anne cried.

"You don't have to sleep in the room with the TV," Stacey muttered.

Dawn laughed. She looked at the clock and stopped laughing. "It's after ten and Claudia isn't back yet."

Not long after that Carol and Mr. Schafer asked where Claudia was and we covered for her.

We put in The Ring (Mary Anne insisted that we leave the lights on this time), and after it was over, it was after midnight. Claudia still wasn't back.

"I'm worried about her," Dawn said. "It's one thing to be late, but... this is really late. I'm going to call her and see where she is."

We kept calling, but just getting her voice mail over and over again. We watched another movie, but no one was really paying attention to it. I don't even remember what it was. Some romantic comedy.

By two when that movie was over, Claud still wasn't back.

"Should we go out and look for her?" Kristy asked.

"No, if Dad realizes that that more than one of us is missing, he'll go crazy. And we'll never be allowed out," Dawn said. "I think we should just wait."

"But what if they got into a car accident or something?" Mary Anne said, wringing her hands. "What if they're dead?"

"And what if they just fell asleep watching a movie?" I said. "That happens, you know."

She looked a little sheepish. "Yeah."

"So what do we do?" Stacey asked.

"Stay here, I guess," Dawn replied.

We sat around for a while, not really doing anything. Kristy started writing in her journal, and then we all got the same idea.

Then, after three in the morning, Claudia finally came back to the Schafers.

"Where the hell have you been?" Dawn asked in loud whisper. It was the same tone she used with me at the club. Dawn will make a great mother someday with that tone.

"I was out with Rico," she replied. "We lost track of time."

"That seems to happening a lot lately," Dawn replied. "We lied for you tonight. And all you do is treat us like we're some kind of sub-species to Rico. And excuse me if we're trying to be your friend, but you have no right to take advantage of us like that."

"Then don't cover for me next time," Claudia said nastily. "I can take care of myself just fine."

"Claudia, we do that because we're your friends," Mary Anne said.

"We're worried about you," Stacey added. "Just talk to us, Claud."

"It's none of your freakin' business!" Claudia shouted.

"Quiet!" I hissed. "You're going to wake up Dawn's parents. Or Gracie."

Claudia quieted, but she was still being as bitchy. "Look. What I do when I'm out is my own business. You don't have to lie for me. I can take care of myself. I don't need you guys, and I certainly don't need some near stranger who's some kind of whore," she said, pointing at me, "trying to control what I do. I don't need any of you digging into my life. It's my life and I don't need you guys fussing about me or worried like you're my parents or something."

I felt stunned. She might as well have slapped me. I thought I knew Claudia pretty well. I didn't ever expect her to say something like that to my face.

"We worry about your because we're you're friends," Mary Anne said again. "We care about you."

"Well, then stop!" Claudia flopped down on her sleeping bag and didn't even bother with her shoes this time.

"Claudia," Dawn said in a very firm voice, "you better get your act together."

"You don't have to keep anything from us," Stacey said. "We're your friends. We're not going to judge you."

I think I heard Claudia start to cry then, but I wasn't sure. I'm still not sure.

"It's not worth it," Kristy said. "She's being impossible. Like three year olds we baby-sit for."

"I think we should sleep," Mary Anne said in a soft voice.

"You're right," Dawn agreed.

And now my hand is about to fall off. But before I stop writing and don't write again for a week, I'd like to remind myself, for when I read this again later, that I'm really worried about Claudia. I don't think she would have said those things to me if something wasn't REALLY wrong. (At least I hope not)

Maybe I am starting to look at things beyond myself. Maybe this is good for me. I think Dad's noticing too. Who knew that doing the right thing would get his attention? 


	28. Claudia: Chapter Three

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Claudia 

Saturday July 17th 11:45 AM

I've just stared at the blank screen for about ten minutes thinking about what to write. I don't know how to put all of this into words.

When did I last write? A week ago? Two weeks ago? The Bash. Right after the Bash. Right after I sat in the back seat of Rico's car.

Rico and I are closer than ever. I've never had feelings like this before. I never new I could have feelings like this at all. I'm wishing I had my paint set. Then I could really show how I was feeling. This writing junk can only express so much.

I don't know how much sense this is going to make. I guess when I read it later (and delete this journal because Janine can NEVER see this) it'll make sense.

What's been happening?

Take Tuesday. We'd just gotten back from the vacation thing. I went out with Rico, and had dinner at his house.

Mr. and Mrs. Chavez are SO cool. They GIVE Rico condoms and tell him to have a good time. They don't mind that I brought 3 gallons of ice cream in their house and ate them all myself. (Though Mrs. Chavez did make sure I had a tooth brush after the ice cream and mentioned cavities. I guess they're still parents beneath it all) Really, though, their more like Rico's friends. And their my friends too.

Anyway, Tuesday. Dinner at the Chavez's. We had tacos and Rico dared me to put chocolate chips on it after I said that chocolate was good on anything. Then everyone laughed when I said that it tasted just fine. Which it did. Chocolate. You can't go wrong. Then we had this apple pie that Mr. Chavez had baked and I shared some of my ice cream so we could have it ALA MODE. After that Rico and I went up to his room.

Which, Rico has his room decorated really cool. His walls are painted a blue-gray and are covered in band posters. Then around the ceiling, he has chili pepper shaped Christmas lights (I want to make them into earrings). Then he's got normal stuff like a desk and a computer and a bed. His room isn't messy, but is cluttered, a lot like mine. But mine is art supplies and clothes. His are clothes, CD cases, and magazines.

I had plenty of time to study his room when he went back downstairs to get us sodas. I poked threw a stack of magazines. Rolling Stone, Blender, and then I found the PLAYBOY! I could hear him coming up the stairs so I sat back on the bed and opened it up to a random page (that did have a naked woman on it, surprise, surprise) and pretended to be reading it.

Rico nearly dropped the cans he was holding. "WHEREDIDYOUFINDTHAT?"

I waved it at him. "It's fiiiine."

His face was beat red. "Claudia!"

"Rico!"

He set the sodas on the desk and jumped on the bed with me. He grabbed the magazine from me and held it out so we could both see it. "Are you into this sort of stuff?"

I shrugged. "I've never looked at this sort of stuff before. I don't know if I'm into it."

He wrapped one arm around me and flipped pages with the other and we looked through the magazine together.

Maybe I'm bi, like Justin is. Because at first I thought looking at all those naked pictures would get boring, but it wasn't. By the time we were at the end of it, I was ready for SOMETHING. But then I didn't know what.

Rico noticed this, and he slid his hand onto my waist and undid my belt. "Is this okay?"

I was getting even more excited by this than the Playboy.

He pulled off my belt (Well, Stacey's belt) and undid the snaps on my pants (I was wearing the cool ones with the five snap buttons) and slid his hand beneath my underwear.

He gave me this sort of half a smile and said, "You're going to have to tell me what to do because I'm blind here."

I have no idea how to describe what Rico did, but it felt AWESOME. I had to do everything I could to keep from shouting out loud.

This was a great day. This was fantastic.

Then we went to that party and everyone was passing around drugs. Well, I had heard enough about drugs over the years to now that you don't do them. But when Rico used the words "Social drug" I asked him what that meant.

"It's just the sort of thing you do at a party," he explained. "Not the stuff you use on a daily basis, no one wants to do that, it's just sad. But at a party? A whole different story."

He accepted the joint handed to him and suckdin a lungful. He exhaled and nodded. He handed it to me.

I held it for a moment and then, with an encouraging look from Rico, took a hit. It tasted gross, smelled gross, and I coughed a whole bunch.

Rico got me a glass of water.

"Maybe that's not for me," I said. I didn't really feel that comfortable anyway.

"It's okay," he replied. "It's not for everyone."

I nodded. I drank a beer (gross the first few sips, but after a while, it tasted pretty good), but he didn't drink any, because he was driving.

It was a fun evening.

And then, when we were on the vacation, Stacey telling me about her oral sex experiences. I know she thought that's what Rico and I were doing. Not then we weren't. It was still innocent. Still just a game. It was second base. Rounding third.

Thursday night... Thursday night with Rico was fantastic. We were up in his room making out, touching, and, well, the orange tank top I was wearing? It spent the night on the floor. I spent the night in Rico's bed.

Then, not thinking about Stacey, I went down on Rico for the first time. We used one of the condoms his parents gave him. I didn't think about that either. I don't think I thought about anything. After I was done (well, after Rico was done), I curled up next to him and he said, "I love you, Claudia."

I sort of gave a gasp and replied, "I love you too, Rico."

Boys have told me they loved me before, but I don't think it meant as much. Not when there was everything else we had done together.

Then we fell asleep. I woke up late and Rico drove me to Dawn's as fast as possible.

Ugh, then everyone jumped all over me. What are they, my parents? And who the hell is Sunny to try and tell me about sex? At least what I'm doing is with someone I KNOW. Someone I LOVE. Not some stranger who bought me a couple drinks. And Mary Anne, who wouldn't even go past open mouth kissing. Dawn, good god, when was the last time Dawn had a DATE?

The only person who even had a right to talk to me about this was Stacey and all she was going to do is lecture me on how much time I'm spending with Rico. Well, it just so happens that I enjoy spending my time with Rico.

I'm a horrible friend and an awful person.

But then there was last night.  
Rico and I bickered all night about stupid things. What movie to watch. What pizza toppings to get. What scent of candle to light.

"You know what?" Rico said.

"What?"

"Let's get out of here. Let's go somewhere."

It was eight o'clock, I still had two hours before I needed to be back at the Schafer's. So I said, "Sure. Where do you want to go?"

"Let's just drive."

So we got in Rico's car and he drove us to this secluded little park.

He climbed over the seat into the back. "C'mon."

"Rico, I'm in a skirt," I said. The short black one (looked so cute with my leopard print tights).

He paused. "Um, just take it off."

I paused too. Then I kicked off my boots and wiggled my way out of the skirt. I stopped and peeled off the tights too. I looked up and Rico was smiling at me in the darkness.

I climbed over the seat and into his arms.

We moved around until I was lying across the backseat and he was on top of me. We were kissing and he unbuttoned my top with one hand and was undoing his belt with the other.

"Rico, where are we going with this?" I asked. My voice was all raspy.

"Wherever you want it too."

"I don't know. I don't..."

Rico kissed my forehead. "It's okay."

I felt so at ease. Despite the fact that there was a seat belt digging in my back, I was relaxed. I knew what he wanted to do. I could see it in his eyes (and in the buldge in his pants). I wasn't sure if I wanted it too. But I looked at him, and I felt overwhelmed with love toward him. And what surely had to be lust. I kissed him and ubuttoned his pants. "I want to."

Rico reached into the back pocket of his now loosely fitted jeans and pulled out a condom.


	29. Stacey: Chapter Four

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Stacey 

July 17th

Well. I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss for words.

I slept in late after spending another night awake waiting up for Claudia who didn't come in until two-thirty. She went to bed right away again. So did I.

I woke up late, took a shower and when I walked back into the rec room, Claudia was hunched over the computer, typing away. I couldn't see her face.

I sat down and brushed my hair and finally I looked at her.

"Claudia, why are you shutting me out?"

She turned and looked at me. "Because it's not any of your business."

"I'm your best friend, Claud. It may not be my business, but I'm worried, we all are. If you tell me, whatever it is, if you robbed a bank, I swear, I won't tell anyone." I slid off the chair and onto the floor next to her. She closed the screen on the laptop.

"I wouldn't try to read your journal," I said, a little testy.

"Stacey," Claud said in a very serious voice, "I've done something really stupid."

Of course I jumped to all sorts of horrible conclusions, one of them wondering if she HAD robbed a bank. However, what came out of my mouth was a very calm, non-conclusion jumping voice. "You can tell me."

She stared at her hands and avoided my eyes. "Rico and I... last night we had sex."

I was stunned. Oral sex I could understand. But all the way? I tried to not be stunned, I tried to not let my shock show on my face, but I'm sure that it did. "As in...?"

She nodded. "All the way."

I had a Mary Anne moment and said, "Claud, it was... you were okay with it right?"

"Yeah, well..." Claudia frowned deeper. "Sort of. I mean, I didn't say no. And I wanted it, but I don't know... now that I've done it... I wish that I hadn't."

Dad says this phrase "Hindsight is 20-20." I didn't feel like telling that to Claudia. She didn't need a quip of wisdom. She needed her best friend.

I gave Claudia a hug and held her for a long time.

"I'm so stupid!" Claud said, pulling away. "Why did I do it? Why couldn't I just be okay with what we were doing? Why did I have to take it further?"

"It goes both ways," I said, not asking what else they had done.

She started crying. "I lost my virginity in the backseat of a car five days after my fourteenth birthday with the seat belt digging into my back!"

If that quote was on TV, I would have laughed. But it was my best friend. "I'm so sorry, Claud. What did... Rico say?"

"It was his first time too. So he was pretty wowed and he came and I didn't and it wasn't amazing like I'd always thought. He wanted to do it again, but it hurt, and I didn't want to do it again. I don't think I ever want to do it again. Ever."

"Maybe you'll feel differently when you're more ready," I said. So I'd been the first to go down on a guy. Claudia was the first to go all the way. The difference was extreme.

"I don't know," she said. She looked at me for the first time. I don't know what my facial expression was, but she said, "Don't worry Stace, he didn't pressure me into it. I said I wanted to. He said it was okay if I didn't, but I did. I just realize now that it the wrong choice."

I believed her. I really didn't think that Rico had pressured her to do anything, but sometimes it seems like it could be the only reason. I guess that's why Mary Anne asked if I'd been molested when she found out I'd gone down on guys. She didn't want to believe that I'd done anything like that of my own will.

Claudia laid down and now I'm still stunned.

I can't tell anyone. I can't talk to anyone about this. I will not betray my best friend. I think I'm going to go do something that doesn't require a lot of thinking. I don't think I can think straight about anything right now.

July 18th

Today, a week after her actual birthday, we had Claudia's birthday present exchange. It was just us that were here at the Schafer-Olson house, Sunny, Rico, Ducky, and Justin. Maggie and Amalia kept turning down our offers for things. Sunny said that Brendan, Amalia's boyfriend, was back in town early, but she didn't know why. But that wouldn't explain why Maggie skipped too.

I noticed when Rico arrived, there wasn't that huge, excited greeting they'd been having. He and Claud hugged and he kissed her gently. It was sweet.

It was strange. At the beginning of this trip, we sort of broke off into groups. Me and Ducky and Justin, then Kristy joined up with us. I'd sort of drifted away from Claud until yesterday. Sunny and Mary Anne. Dawn with a little bit of everyone. Claudia hung out with Amalia and Maggie, through the band, I guess. Now, things were sort of mixed.

Claudia sat next to Rico, holding his hand. They looked like they gained some sort of new maturity. I was next to Claud and Ducky was on my other side. Justin sat next to him (more hand holding) and Mary Anne was next. Then Dawn, then Sunny who was talking intently with Kristy in a hushed voice.

"Presents!" I said in a slightly fake cheery voice. I grabbed one to hand to Claudia.

"Wait!" Carol said from the kitchen doorway. "I have a surprise!"

She hurried out of the room and came in with a huge chocolate frosted birthday cake with fourteen glowing candles. She set in front of Claudia. "Make a wish!"

Claudia looked as if she would cry at the prospect of making a wish. She blew out the candles and didn't say another word about it.

Mrs. Bruen started cutting the cake and Carol brought in a smaller cake that was just enough for two people. "Sugar free for Stacey and Dawn."

After the cake was cut (The sugar free cake was gone in a second, but the huge one hardly had a dent in it), the adults left and we piled our presents in front of Claud.

She loved the earrings I got her. Who else would want dangly earrings in the shape of the state of California? Mary Anne also got her earrings, little Oscar statuettes.

Everyone was strangely subdued. I knew why Claudia and Rico were being quiet. Even Claud's outfit was quiet. Brown courdory pants with brown converse sneakers. She wore a dark green tank top and simple silver hoops of varying sizes in her ears. Her hair was pulled back in a braid.

Kristy, who usually blabbed everything, hardly said a word. She seemed oddly stiff and not really like herself. She wasn't even dressed like herself. She was wearing nice pants and a cute tank top that was trimmed in lace. I had to ask her one thing, though.

"Kristy, where's the ugly sports bra straps?"

She smiled sheepishly. "Yesterday Sunny and I went out and got me a strapless."

"Oh, it was okay when you went out with Sunny to get a sexy bra," I teased.

"Shut up," she said, laughing. She stopped laughing abruptly when Justin came up behind her.

"Practice tomorrow?" he asked.

She looked up at him and nodded. "Sounds good."

"Great." He patted her shoulder and went over to where Ducky was sitting the couch with Dawn. Kristy looked a little pale (which was odd, since she's been sunburnt probably five times since we've been here), but she went on talking with me.

I was aware that something was up there, but I'm way too concerned about Claud to worry about Kristy. I know that seems mean, but she's been really close with Sunny lately so maybe Sunny can help. But who knows with Sunny. (I don't know about that, but I tried to be as supportive and understanding of Sunny, especially the night of the club.)

After the party, I talked to Claud alone. "So, how do you feel?"

She took a deep breath. "Better now that I've seen Rico again. I'd thought about breaking up with him. But we talked this morning before the party. On the phone. And he... he apologized for what happened, and we really talked about it."

She didn't give me any details, and I didn't press her for any. It was a very private thing that happened between her and Rico. But I'm glad that they're working things out.

Ducky invited me out to go shopping while Justin and Kristy were training. I told him that I wouldn't have enough money to last me out the trip if we kept going shopping. I told him we should go get our nails done, but he wasn't too keen on that idea. I thought he could use it, though, with those bitten down things he has.

So I suggested renting a movie and getting popcorn. He thought THAT was a good idea and we sort of fake-argured about movies.

I don't know what I should be thinking. I'm pretending that what's going on here is normal.

What's going on here is NOT normal.


	30. Amalia: Chapter Four

Chapter Thirty: Amalia

7/19

I quit my job today. I tried to get time off, and they said because John (Brendan's mom, Dedree, told me that I can call them by their first names. It's sort of weird) isn't MY family, no matter what I had to say, I couldn't take off as much time as I wanted.

So I quit.

Papi isn't too happy, but Mami is able to see my side of things. She said I did the right thing. It's not up to my employers to decide what's important in my life. And is probably just as well.

Brendan's family has been really great about having me around. I keep telling them that it's a family thing and I don't have to be there. I feel like I'm intruding on their family business.

Dedree, when Brendan wasn't around, told me that she likes having me around for moral support for Brendan. That I keep his spirits up. She does want to cry in front Brendan or John, but especially John.

She's always coming out of his room crying.

He isn't doing very well.

I'm sort of worried about my friends. With the exception of Maggie, I'm sort of shutting them out, I think. I haven't seen Dawn, or Claudia, or any of the guys in the band in days. I call Maggie nearly every night. I hate putting this all on her. She says it fine, and she owed it to me after everything that happened with her mom.

I guess.

Last night I ended up spending the night at Brendan's, we got back from the hospital so late. Their guest bedroom is really nice. However, I was freaking out over the thought that Brendan was going to see me the next morning when I didn't have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.

However, Dedree got me a big t-shirt to sleep in and she had a new toothbrush that she had gotten for herself but hadn't opened yet that she gave to me. She told me to leave in the bathroom for if I came back.

I don't know if that was a good sign or not.

I'm sitting up in bed (I called Mami from the hospital telling her where I was staying) not really sleepy, but knowing that I should sleep.

There's a knock at the door.

"Come in," I say.

Brendan opens the door and comes in. "Hey."

"Hey."

He sits down on the chair next to the bed. "I just want to thank you for hanging out with us at the hospital. It really means a lot to my mom."

I reach over and grab his hand. "And to you?"

He nods. He looks down like he's going to cry.

He hasn't cried in front of me. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. So I say, "It's okay to cry."

"I know," he says. "But I think if I cry, it's like... giving up on him. Like accepting... something. Something I don't want to accept."

"He's going to get better," I say, sounding much more confident than I was feeling.

"I'm telling myself that," he says. "I'm so afraid that... if I keep telling myself that and it... doesn't come to pass. I don't know." Then he starts crying. Sobbing.

I slide out of the bed and pull him into a hug and he sobs into my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Amalia," he says. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I reply. "You earned a good cry."

"Amalia, I'm so scared," he said.

As far as I know, Brendan's parents never knew that Brendan ended up staying in the guest room with me. I know Mami and Papi would pass out if they never. Even if nothing happened, most people (parents) don't believe that.

I didn't get any sleep at all last night. I stayed up with Brendan the entire time. He fell asleep sometime around two in the morning. I was still up and looking like a zombie at seven this morning.

That's when I went to the Ice Cream Palace and I quit when they wouldn't let me have time off. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much Brendan needs me. It's not a needy thing, but he... oh, it makes sense in my head.

I just need to get some sleep.

Later 7/19

I'm at Dawn's house. Apparently, she called Maggie and demanded to know what going on. Out of her concern. Dawn grilled her until she told her what was going on.

I don't mind. I wasn't trying to hide it from them. It was just that they hadn't really told anyone outside their family, except for me. So I didn't want to tell anyone either. But my friends were so worried about me.

I tell Dawn what was happening with John, and she's terribly sympathetic.

"It's a family thing," I explain. "That's the only reason I didn't tell you guys. I told Maggie because, well, I had to tell someone."

Dawn nods. "I understand. We were just worried about you. You just suddenly dropped out of everything."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I should have known I could trust you guys."

"I understand," Dawn says again. She pauses. "How's he doing?"

"Not very well," I reply heavily.

"Is there anything we can do?" she asks.

I think for a moment. "You know how you believe in all that positive thinking? Put it to John. He needs it."

"I will. Um, do you want to tell the others?"

"I think so. I know I can trust them. I know they're not going to spread it around."

"Um..." She pauses for a long moment "Do you want me to call Sunny?"

I think about it. "No, I will. It, maybe, won't be so... I mean... she's never even met him."

Dawn nods, but she doesn't look very convinced. I don't feel very convinced.

So after that, I tell Claudia and Stacey who were home. Dawn tells me that she'll let Mary Anne and Kristy know later. I promise to call Sunny and Ducky. I still haven't, but it's only seven-thirty.

I'm still nervous about calling Sunny. Just because I don't know how she'll react. Her mother died from lung cancer, and I'm going to lay on her that my boyfriend's dad has it too? She hasn't met him, so that may make a difference, but what if it doesn't? What if she freaks out? What if she goes back into that rebellion shell she had up for so long?

I'm starting to panic about what I'm going to do for money. Maybe Sunny's dad will give me a job? Maybe out of sympathy? Do I even want HIM to know?

I'm really confused. About everything.

7/20

I'm sitting at the hospital. Brendan and his mom are in seeing John. I actually saw him for the first time today. No wonder his mom comes out and cries. He's a pretty big guy, but lying there on that bed, he looks so tiny. His hair's already starting to fall out from the chemo, and he looks weak and peaky. He could hardly even lift a plastic cup full of water.

That alone nearly made me cry.

But he smiled and he seemed really glad to see me. He joked about the nurses coming in at three in the morning for urine samples, and I blushed and that made everyone laugh, even me. How could he joke? He could be... no, I'm not going to say it. He's sick. He's sick and he's laughing about normal things. His wife leaves and she cries. He has to know that Dedree does this.

I have no idea how I got through it without bursting into tears. I did that after I walked out of the room. Brendan held me, and I felt guilty because it's his dad, and he's comforting me.

I don't know how he stayed composed for so long.

"Want to get coffee or something?" Brendan asks.

"Okay," I say.

We go down to the room full of vending machines. You can get ANYTHING out of these vending machines. Coffee, sandwiches, cups of chili, candy, soda, whatever. I guess it's for people who are here a lot and need variety. I hope we don't become those people.

I get a soda and a sandwich. Brendan gets the same. Neither of us end up with coffee, but I guess it's easier to just ask to go out for coffee than anything else.

We sit in silence for a long time, and I mention that Dawn asked what was going on and that I'd told her. "They really wanted to know why I hadn't been around for a few days. I mean, no one had really heard from me at all."

He nods. "It's fine, Amalia. No one asked for it to be a secret. It's just that... we still don't know anyone here. All of our family is out in Massachusetts. I think that's why my parents have been okay with you being here. Why they want you here."

I smile a little bit. "I guess so."

"It's true," Brendan says, taking my hand in his. "Really, it is. We're glad you're here."

I'm glad they want me here, but I wish that I wasn't here. I wish that this wasn't the reason I was closer to Brendan and his family.

I'll keep you posted, Nbook. 


	31. Dawn: Chapter Four

Chapter Thirty-One: Dawn 

July 20th

Things are changing. I can sense it. I sort of know when the chips are going to hit the fan (where did that phrase come from? I know there's a variation with swearing in it, but where did THAT come from? It doesn't even make any sense).

I think the Claudia fiasco has toned down a lot. Which is good. The stress of that was driving me insane. Plus I wasn't sleeping very well because I was stuck lying to Dad and Carol, and staying up until all hours of the night waiting for her to get back home.

But since Sunday, she's been back by ten-thirty at the latest (which is about the latest any of us are home).

I'm glad I know what's going on with Amalia, but I don't know if she told Sunny. I don't want to call Amalia, just in case she's at the hospital, but I don't want to ask Sunny if Amalia told her, just in case she hasn't. It's such an annoying, frustrating circle.

Today I went out with Stacey and Ducky. We went to that cool theatre that shows old movies on Tuesdays and saw Bringing Up Baby, which I'd seen before, a loooong time ago, but neither Stacey or Ducky had. I swear, I don't think I've heard two people laugh more at a movie in my entire life.

Afterward we went and got frozen yogurt (Stacey had a fruit bar out of a package since she couldn't tell how much sugar was in the soft serve yogurt) and talked about the drama that's been happening.

"Where's Justin?" Stacey asked. "With Kristy?"

Ducky nodded. "Yeah."

"Does it bother you that you're not getting to spend any time with him?"

"Not really," he said, "I mean, I understand that he likes hanging out with Kristy. Besides, you guys are leaving in a week and a half. Then what am I going to do with my time? Hang out with Justin, of course."

"Good point," I said. "I don't know what I'm going to do. But then again, I haven't been doing much at all."

"Then we should change that!" Stacey said. "Let's go out tonight. It's a Tuesday night, so there shouldn't be anything crazy going on."

"Like a club? Because I'm not doing that again," I said.

"You know," Ducky said, "I read about this huge outdoor party going on tomorrow in Anaheim. It's sort of like a one-day San Francisco Love Parade. They have it every year. It's all day, and it's known for it's overly wacky outfits, and the huge creativity of the costumes people put together. They had pictures from last year's, and these people were done up in spandex and feathers, and had some bird theme going on. They were talking about this one girl who hadn't actually dressed, but painted on her clothes. And got away with it for the event, even though she never would have under normal circumstances."

"That's it!" Stacey exclaimed. "Dawn, we should go to that. The three of us. Or even more. Maybe Claud would want to go. Any excuse to wear a crazy outfit, you know she's up for that."

So we got home, Claudia thought it was a great idea, and Sunny was over, hanging out with Claud and Mary Anne and SHE wanted to come. I tried to see if Amalia had talked to her yet, but she gave no clues. But you can never tell with Sunny. Not anymore.

Mary Anne didn't want to go, though. I guess after the club, one crazy party was enough.

"But I guess you're used to going to these sorts of things," she said, sounding extremely haughty and very unlike herself. It was, of course, directed at me and not anyone else.

"Not really," I said. I know at some point I'm going to have to talk to Mary Anne about this. They're leaving soon, and I don't want her to leave and us be in this semi-fighting state.

Claud started putting together outfits and Ducky found the article in the newspaper. He spread it out for the rest of us to read. It DID sound like fun. It sort of sounded like the Bash, but a little wilder, not such a family event.

Ducky called Justin and Kristy. Justin agreed to come, but Kristy said no thanks. I think the idea of more sunlight turned her off from it. I don't think she's ever been more sunburnt in her life.

Claudia wants to go to the thrift store for costume ideas.

July 21st

So. Tired. Had so much fun, but I'm beat! It's almost eleven, but I called Dad to tell him we were running late and he appreciated it, and he said that he hadn't even noticed. Which, well, I appreciated, but I had to admit I felt a little hurt because he didn't realize we were still gone. Or maybe just didn't realize the time.

But the party thing was awesome. I'm so glad I decided to go. And I'm so glad I wore the outfit Claudia picked out for me. I wasn't sure about it, but in the end, it was fantastic.

I was wearing green plaid pants (Claudia's), a black tank top, and my platform sneakers. Then, something that Claudia had found here in a costume shop, I had ripped up, mesh fairy wings. My makeup was all done in blue, and then my eyelids and lips were coated in glitter. I wore a black fedora with most of my hair pulled up into it, so it looked like my hair only went about halfway down my neck (Dad nearly had a heart attack when he saw my hair. He actually liked the rest of the outfit.) I looked like a crazy, punk fairy.

Claudia had dressed Sunny in what she called a "Gothic Lolita" outfit. I learned later that's a term for a Japanese style. She wore a short black dress that had crinoline under the skirt so it poofed out (If she moved the right way, you could see her underwear, the skirt was so poofy) with a white apron over it and had white lace around the sleeves and neckline. She wore knee high black fishnets and clunky black Mary Janes. She did Sunny's makeup in this very Japanese looking style with a white face (clashing with her tan skin, but who cares?) and black eyeliner and red lipstick. Sunny had her hair pulled up and wore a tiny black top hat on the side of her head, held on with a string that tied beneath her chin.

Stacey went with her usual brand of sophistication, and dressed entirely in black, except for a red rose she wore in the buttonhole of her blazer. I don't know how she didn't sweat all day, but her makeup was perfect. She pulled back her hair into a bun and wore a black beret over it. You couldn't even see her hair.

Ducky and Justin looked, well... gay. I said that to Stacey and she laughed at me, and agreed. Both of them were shirtless (Ducky said Justin spent about half an hour convincing him to take off his shirt), and Claudia had painted extremely realistic looking white and gold angel wings on their backs. Justin was wearing a gold halo on a headband, and both of them wore blue jeans with holes in the knees that had been bleached quite a few times.

However, none of us could beat Claudia. She had found a wedding dress that looked straight out of 1985 at the thrift store for twenty dollars. She pulled off the train, realizing that people would be stepping on it all day, but left the lacy sleeves and poofy capped shoulders. She spent an hour curling her hair with hot curlers and then teasing it and used about half a can of glitter hair spray to keep it from getting flat. She wore bright blue eyeshadow and too much blush.

If I hadn't known better, I'd say Claudia had stepped out of a time machine. If I had tried that, I would have looked like an idiot. She looked awesome.

Sunny didn't have to find someone over 21 to get us drinks, these people just assumed everyone was old enough. However, the only thing they were selling was various brands of beer. Now, I'm not a fan of alcohol. But beer is the most disgusting thing on the face of the planet. Feed me red meat and sugar before you give me a beer.

Sunny, however, didn't mind the taste at all and got one right away (even though it was only three in the afternoon). She had to hide it around the cops that were everywhere, because THEY were checking ID's.

Things turned for the worst a couple hours later when we ran into three guys from school - Cro-Mags. All it took was one look at Ducky and Justin who were holding hands, and the insults were flying.

"Lookie look! Bambi has a boyfriend!"

"Always knew he was gay! Alwaaaays!"

"Holy sh-t! Randall?"

It was just me and the guys. Sunny, Stacey, and Claudia had gone off to look at this art booth. I was trying to stare the guys down and Justin's face was set in a scowl.

"Yes, it's me."

"You're some kind of faaaag?"

"Some kind, yeah." He sort of stepped in front of Ducky, like a human shield.

The guys started taunting them, so I yelled, "Shut up, you closed minded jerks!"

They turned onto me. "I guess they're not that faggy," one of them said. "They got themselves some hottie jailbait."

The biggest one of them grabbed me and I shrieked. I tried to pull away, but he had a firm grip. My hat fell off and my hair went flying. One of the other guys, grabbed my hair and yanked on it hard. I screamed again, this time out of pain.

All of this happened in about five seconds.

Then both Ducky and Justin jumped on the huge guy and I was able to pull away. I fell into the arms of the third guy who thought this was time to shove his hands up my shirt and feel me up. I elbowed him hard in the ribs and when I got turned around, I kicked him in the crotch. Needless to say, that did the trick and he fell to the ground, holding himself, crying.

Ducky and Justin were still fighting the other two guys and there wasn't really anything I could about it. I panicked. So I screamed at them. "STOP IT! STOP!" Especially since Ducky was getting clobbered and Justin was doing everything he could to keep from losing his place beating up the largest guy.

"STOP!" I screamed uselessly.

"What's going on here?"

I turned around to see three cops. They pulled Justin off the first guy and pulled the second guy off of Ducky.

"They provoked my friends," I said, "And they grabbed me, and they were just defending me."

I guess I sounded convincing enough (probably because it was true), because the police believed me. They carried off the two Cro-Mags and the third followed with a very significant limp.

One of them was struggling against the cops, screaming "Those fags got what they deserve!"

Justin helped Ducky off the ground and carefully dusted off his dirty, bruised back. Amazingly enough, both of their angel wings were still in pretty much perfect condition. Justin's halo was ruined, but my hat was okay. Which was good since it's actually Claud's hat.

"Jesus," Justin muttered. I got my first look at Ducky. I could see a bruise coming up around his eye and his lip was bleeding in two places and he had a gash across his left cheek.

"Ducky!" I exclaimed. "Is there like a first aid tent around here or something?"

"I'm okay," Ducky said. He winced at moving his lip. He smiled and winced again.

"Come on," Justin said, putting his arm around Ducky's waist. "Let's go find a first aid tent. Or at least some bandages. That cut doesn't look good. C'mon, Dawn."

I saved Claud's hat, but my wings got ripped in half. They were still hanging off my shoulders, but in two. I pulled them off and threw them away. Now I just looked crazy. Luckily, Carol took a ton of pictures of all of us before we left so we could later compare our pictures. (She'd been to this thing in years past which is how we got permission. Looking back on it, I have no idea why she let us go. Maybe she was 14 the first time she went?)

We found a first aid center and they were cleaning up Ducky. I was standing in there watching when my cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"DAWNWHERETHEHELLAREYOU?"

I paused. "Sunny?"

"You were supposed to meet us fifteen minutes ago, and you're not there!"

Well, this was a switch. Sunny lecturing me on not being responsible. "Ducky and Justin got jumped by some Cro-Mags, and now we're at the first aid center," I explained.

"WHAT? Are they okay?"

"They're fine, just roughed up." Me too, I added silently, but what I'd gone through was nothing compared to what they'd been through.

"Claudia, Stace, and I will find you," she said and hung up without a good-bye.

"Who was that?" Justin asked. He was holding Ducky's hand.

"Sunny," I replied. "We were supposed to meet them and we got a bit side-tracked. They're on their way here, though."

He nodded. "Good." He looked at me and jumped up (nearly taking Ducky with him). "Dawn, your arm! Are you okay?"

I looked down where the guy had grabbed me. Sure enough, there was a HUGE purple bruise. It was black in some places. "Ew!" I said. "I didn't even notice." I touched it and winced. "It hurts. I was just so concerned about you guys."

"We're concerned about you," Ducky said. He stood up. His eye was very black now and he had a square bandage over his cheek. I had to admit, for having a sweet look and demeanor, the cuts on his lip and the bandage made him look pretty tough. The angel wings on his back took away some of that, though.

"DUCKY!" Sunny wailed. She ran into the tent and gave him a hug. "Are you okay? Look at you! Wow, you look scary. Holy sh-t, are you all right? Ducky?"

"I'm fine," he said and she gave him another huge hug.

I had to admit I was pretty pleased. Sunny was finally thinking of someone other than herself.

"You guys look great. Your costumes are awesome," said a guy, maybe a couple years older than myself. He was sitting on a seat in the tent with an ace bandage around his wrist. He was in a ripped up black t-shirt and huge baggy, black cargo pants. They matched his wavy black hair, but not his crystal-y blue eyes. He looked at me. "Don't you go to Vista?"

"We all do. Well, they don't," I said, motioning to Claud and Stace, "but the rest of us."

"I recognized you. The hair. You have beautiful hair."

I blushed and Sunny was digging a finger into my back. She hissed in my ear, "ASK HIS NAME!"

"I'm Dawn. Dawn Schafer," I said. "And you are...?"

"Christian Delgotto," he replied. "I'm going into sophomore year."

"And we don't matter," I heard Justin whisper to Ducky in a playful sort of tone. It made me remember that the rest of them were there.

"Oh!" I introduced them to Christian.

"It's great to meet you. I haven't seen anyone I know. I came here with my older brother and his friends and I promptly got ditched." He waved his bandaged wrist in the air. "Literally. Got shoved into a ditch."

"Ow," I said.

He smiled at me. His teeth were practically perfect, except there was the tiniest of gaps between his left front tooth and the tooth on its other side (not his other front tooth). Do I sound like I've got a thing? I didn't think so, but the second we left (after saying good-bye to Christian), Sunny started singing and dancing.

"Da-awn's in lo-ove! Da-awn's in lo-ove!"

"I am not," I said, my face surely going red. I looked at Ducky and Justin. "Do you guys know him?"

Justin shook his head, but Ducky nodded.

"I've seen him around. I think he was in our study hall."

"No way," I said. "You'd think I would have seen him."

Sunny started another round of her Dawn's in Love song.

The rest of the day was without incident, except for when we saw Christian again and he hung out with us for a few hours. I could hardly string two words together without feeling like I was sounding like a total idiot.

However, Christian (who likes old monster movies, fantasy and horror novels, hates playing sports, plays bass, keyboards, and guitar, is the youngest of three brothers, and doesn't currently have a girlfriend) didn't seem to mind.

We listened to some bands, ate gross processed food (Stacey and I found a natural foods booth, but neither of us were 100 percent sure of its natural-ness. She was freaking out about her blood sugar, but she figured eating perhaps non-natural food was better than not eating at all and letting her blood sugar drop) and finally we had to go home.

"I'll see you around," I said to Christian.

"Can I have your number?" he asked.

I could NEVER just ask a boy for his phone number.

Claud had a Sharpie (who keeps a SHARPIE in their PURSE?) and I wrote my phone number on his bandage.

"I'll be sure to keep this. But it'll be hard to get back together when I unwrap my arm." Christian grinned. "I guess I'll just have to memorize it.

He wrote his phone number on my hand. "I don't have worry about losing this," I said, "the Sharpie will never come off."

"All part of my evil plan. Maybe we could, you know, get together before school starts."

"Definitely!" I said.

He grinned again.

The entire way home I was teased about my wedding (Hello, Claud was the one in a wedding dress), what I'm going to name the kids.

"I'm going to be an auntie!" Sunny said.

"I get to baby-sit her first," Stacey said. (Which, when she pulled off the beret, her hair was completely sweat soaked.)

You know what, though? I didn't care. Not one bit.


	32. Kristy: Chapter Four

Chapter Thirty-Two: Kristy 

July 21st

Ugh. I don't want to or need to write about today.

In fact, I'd like to forget it ever happened.

Thank you and good-night.

July 22nd

Thinking back on it, it's not that bad. I mean, it's bad, but it's not that bad. It could have been worse. I just feel like a fool. I am a fool.

I'm a fool, and idiot, and... other horrible things. I didn't MEAN to try and steal Ducky's boyfriend. Not that I did. Not that I could. Or would.

Again, a horrible person. I am.

Justin is... a very nice guy. I don't think I've ever really met a guy like him before. Which is probably why I like him so much. I mean, if he wasn't living across the country and already with someone, I'd probably say it was a match made.

And how could you not think so? He's nice, he's good-looking, he doesn't treat you like you're dumb just because you're younger. Who wouldn't like him? What's there not to like? Of course, there's the fact that he has a boyfriend.

I've certainly never gone goopy like this over a guy before. I don't really want to ever again. I'm sort of making myself sick.

And not just because of my mushy thoughts.

Yesterday, I went over to Justin's to practice lacrosse. We hadn't the day before because Justin went to that party thing, but I didn't mind. I needed a break from the lacrosse. Really, I needed a break from Justin.

We had been out in the backyard playing for like two hours before we came in for a break. Justin got us bottles of water and we sat at the kitchen table. I love Justin's kitchen. It reminds me a lot of my own with the big long table with the benches on either side and matching chairs on the ends.

"So, what does your mom think about you and Ducky?" I asked.

"Wouldn't know," Justin replied. "Because she doesn't know. She doesn't care. I was gone for three days, I left a note. When I came back, the note hadn't moved. Neither had anything else in the house. She spent the entire time at work, sleeping on the couch in her office."

"Oh," I said.

"It's not a big deal. By the time she started this, when Mike moved out early last year, I was able to take care of myself."

"I'm sorry," I replied, not sure what to say.

"It has its upsides. Mom makes a crapload of money so I don't need to have a summer job. I guess I'm just a spoiled brat, but hey, I work hard all school year long, I make good grades, so why shouldn't I relax all summer?"

"You're not a spoiled brat," I said. "You're helping me out, so it's not all relaxation and fun."

"What do you mean? Bossing you around is a blast."

"Shut up!" I exclaimed, grinning. "You're not making me do anything, I just do them because I think they're... good ideas."

He nodded, obviously unconvinced. "Uh-huh, Kristy. That's exactly it, I'm sure."

I chewed on the inside of my mouth, trying not to say anything TOO mean, and Justin was looking terribly amused (it was infuriating and gorgeous. Did I just say "gorgeous"? I'm a sucker). He started laughing and I reached over and started hitting his shoulder.

"Stop that!" Justin said. He grabbed my wrist and I don't know what happened next. I don't know what made me do it. Or him. Or anything. I don't know who started it or if it was both of us or what. I keep replaying it in my mind, but it's like I blacked out or something.

We were kissing. It was somewhere between a movie kiss. You know, the open mouth kissing with a ton of tongue. Somewhere between that and a peck. It was kind of open, I guess. No tongue. It wasn't really sloppy or anything.

Again, I don't know who pulled away first. I think it was both of us at the same time. Like it clicked what we were doing.

I stood up and backed away. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I didn't want, I did, but I... I gotta go." I ran into the backyard where my stuff was sitting.

"Kristy, wait," Justin said, following me out.

"I've got to go," I said, trying to get around him without touching him. I think I was afraid that if I touched him I might end up kissing him again.

It turned out I didn't have a choice because Justin grabbed my arm. "Wait. Let's talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about," I said. "I need to leave. I need to go back to Connecticut. In fact, I think I should just leave the planet."

He laughed. "You're overreacting."

"No, I'm not. I kissed you. And you have a boyfriend. And I'm an idiot."

"You're not an idiot," Justin said. "And I kissed you too."

I was a little stunned. "I - I know."

"Look, I'm not going to stand here and deny that I'm attracted to you."

I stared at him. "You are?"

"Kristy, you are more than any guy would want. You're smart and witty, athletic and sexy. Believe me, it hasn't been easy. But I'm with Chris, and... I've wanted to be with him for a while now, and-"

"It's not practical," I said. "I live on the other side of the country."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"And the fact that you totally love Ducky."

He paused, went a bit pink, and then smiled. "Yeah, well, kinda."

"I thought so. Um, are you going to tell him?" I asked. I think I was more nervous about Ducky knowing. He's been so good to all of us this trip, and here I was, not only having a huge crush on his boyfriend, but kissing him. I wasn't even planning on telling Sunny, considering she has a bigger mouth than me and she's Ducky's best friend.

"I don't know," Justin admitted. "I haven't gotten that far."

"I'm not going to tell anyone. I feel so..."

"I feel disappointed," he said.

I shrugged. "I'm a bad kisser, aren't I? And you're just the first guy who had the nerve to tell me."

"No, no, you're not. I'm just disappointed that this timing was all off. Maybe if we meet again at a better time."

I thought about Ducky, and I thought about how I would hate for things to not work out for him. He's a great guy. I wanted things to work out. I wanted things to work out for Justin too. I smiled and sighed. "Or maybe things are right just as they are."

Justin smiled the same sort of sad smile. "Maybe."

He knew what I was thinking. I think he even knew what I was feeling. But that doesn't stop the fact that he still had Ducky and I was still alone.

Maybe I'm just beginning to get what all my friends had put together last year. Maybe guys weren't so bad. Maybe, in fact, they were really great. At least some of them.

I hate to say it, but maybe I'm finally growing up. Catching up.

I'm going back to Justin's tomorrow for practice again. Ducky's going to be there. So is Stacey. I think it's going to be okay.

I 'll admit, I still like him. I really do.

And I think I'm sick of this journal.


	33. Maggie: Chapter Four

Chapter Thirty-Three: Maggie 

7/22

Mom's coming home.

Oh my god.

OH MY GOD.

I need to sleep. Or pace. Or something that doesn't involve thinking.

7/23

So, Mom'll be back tomorrow. I don't know who to talk to this about. Amalia has so much on her plate right now with Brendan's Dad (She hasn't spent the night at her own house in ages).

Dad's being back to his normal anal self. However, his new movie turned out great results at the screening, so he's not being too bad. He's just more anal about the things at home. He keeps yelling at Zeke and Pilar. Pilar was in tears today. Without saying anything, I started to help her. I think she appreciated it, but she didn't say anything. I wish that I was close to Pilar like Dawn is close to Mrs. Bruen.

I sound really jealous of Dawn's life. I am.

I'm nervous about Mom coming home. Will she be different? Like in a bad way? Will she be resentful of us? Thankful? All these questions keep going through my head and I have no answers for them.

I thought about calling Dawn, but I would get the positive thinking bull she always goes on about. I thought about calling Ducky, since he helped me so much when she first went into rehab, but hasn't he done enough?

I'm freaking out. I'm SCARED.

Someone's at the door.

Ten minutes later...

That was Dad. The conversation went something like this:

"What are you doing, Maggie?"

"Writing," I replied. "I'll come downstairs and help in just a moment."

"It's not that," he said in a strange voice. "It's about your attitude."

"My attitude?" I repeated, also in a strange voice.

"Yes, I don't like it."

I stared at him. I had the feeling saying "I have no idea what you're talking about" would be the wrong response. So I didn't say anything.

"I don't want you undermining me. Your mother is still unstable and will need to know, for fact, who's in charge. I want you home early, and home more often. You can't be out at all hours of the night, all day long like you have been all summer. We're a family."

"Since when?" I snapped, before I could stop myself. "Since your movies became more important than us? When did that make us a family?"

Dad's face went red. "I do what I do to support us as a family."

"Don't you think that we'd rather have you HERE than out making movies and making us money? Did you ever stop to think that Zeke would rather play catch with you in the yard than be shipped off to some fancy tennis camp every summer? Or that I would rather play in my band than be in the movie business? That I'd rather write? Or maybe you just think that money will solve all your problems."

For the first time in my life, I thought my father was going to hit me. He didn't raise his hand, but his fists were clenched and his face was nearly purple it was so dark. But I didn't apologize. In fact, I went on.

"You were there!" I cried. "You heard the song. As you may of guessed, I wrote it about you. That's how I feel. You'd rather solve all your problems by making more money and pretending your life is perfect than really dealing with the problems. You want our lives to be like one of your movies. You want us to be that perfect family with your perfect kids and your perfect wife. Maybe you haven't guessed, but we're not perfect. Mom is coming home from REHAB. Zeke hates you, and no one can talk to you about anything real! Maybe it's not my attitude, maybe it's yours!"

I was screaming by the end, I was near tears, and I could hardly breathe. But I felt better than I had in weeks. I still can't believe I said it. It just all came bubbling out.

However, Dad was fuming. "Maggie-"

"Just go!" I shouted. "Just get out of here!"

And, then, to my ultimate surprise, Dad left.

At that moment I felt powerful. I felt strong. How is it that Dad listened to me? Did the words I just say mean something to him? Well, they should have, and I guess they did.

How strong could I truly be? How strong was I for real?

Later 7/23

I ended up calling Tyler, but I got his voicemail. I'm sure that he was filming. About two hours later, he called me back.

"Hey, Maggie."

"Tyler, hey. I didn't expect you to call back until this evening," I replied.

"We're on break, and I was going to wait, but I realized that I really couldn't."

I could have melted right there. How did I end up with a guy this sweet? I smiled. "Well, I just wanted to tell you about this thing that happened today. I wanted your opinion."

"Shoot," he replied.

I told him about everything. Mom, Dad, and my new found sense of power. Tyler was quiet the whole time and when I was done, I could practically hear him smiling.

"Maggie," he said, "I knew you had this in you. You've been so downtrodden about everything, and look at yourself now. You've realized your own power. You've realized that you can control yourself, and to a point, the people around you. But especially, how people see you. I've always known that this was inside of you."

"That's so nice to hear," I replied.

"It's true," he replied.

Then he had to go, the director was getting irritated that he wasn't there already. So we said a quick good-bye and I was left alone in my room. I wasn't about to leave knowing full and well that Dad was pissed at me.

I'm not stupid, here.

I cleaned my room. Not that it really needed it. But I figured it was one less thing I could get yelled at about.

But there's one thing I don't understand. Why is Dad relenting to me? Why does he keep not fighting back? He didn't fight back over the song, he didn't fight back to my accusations. It's not like Dad to just give up.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON.

7/24

Mom's home. She's been very subdued. I don't blame her. I don't know what to say to her. Dad keeps talking in this really fake soothing voice, updating her on what happened since she's been gone. He hasn't mentioned me at all.

I've left Tyler about three messages already. Maybe four.

All that power I felt yesterday? Gone. Down the tube.

But maybe not. I talked to Dad. In calm voices. Not yelling. Maybe we got some things worked out. Maybe we didn't.

"Dad," I said, "we need to talk."

Mom was upstairs taking a nap, and Zeke was out in the pool. I figured that would give Dad and I some time to talk.

He didn't reply, he just nodded. We went into the kitchen and sat down.

"Yes, Maggie?" he said after clearing his throat.

"I wanted to apologize for shouting," I said. "But I don't apologize for what I said. And I hope you can respect that."

Dad paused and nodded. "I can."

"I don't... all I want for this to split up our family," I said. "I'm just so frustrated. You're always pushing me around, and when I do what I want to do, you say it's attitude, like all I have to say is talking back."

"You just don't think about your future, Maggie," Dad said.

"That's not true! Dad, all I ever do is think about my future. I work my ass- um, butt off trying to get straight A's. I'm so paranoid that I won't get into a good college, or college at all. Just because I'm in the band, and I write instead of wanting to direct movies, or be in YOUR business, you seem to think that I don't care what happens to me. It's like... I don't matter if I'm not in the movie business."

Dad looked shocked. "What? Of course you matter! Why do you think I push you? You'd make it in the business with my connections. If you decide to go in another direction, you'd have to make it on your own. So you'd have to be the best at what you want to do. That's why I want you to go into the business, because you'd have no choice but to be successful."

"And that's why I don't want to be in the business. I want to know that I could fail. I've had everything handed to me all my life. That's why I work so hard on my grades. Because I want to be able to do whatever I want." I shrugged. "I want my options, not just your options."

Then, out of nowhere, Dad started laughing.

"What?" I asked.

"We've just been running around in a circle. You hate this life. And I wanted to shove you into it."

"I don't hate my life, Dad," I said, not finding it funny at all. "Believe me, I know that most people don't live like us. But, yeah, I don't want this life forever. I'm able to appreciate knowing people based on who they are and not just because of how famous they are, or how much money they make."

"I can respect that." He had stopped laughing.

"So... we have an understanding?"

"I think so. But I still expect your grades-"

"Believe me, Dad, my GPA isn't going anywhere."

Dad gave me a pat on the back that I think was supposed to be a hug. One step at a time, here. But I think Dad and I have just opened up a gateway.

Things are looking up.


	34. Mary Anne: Chapter Four

Chapter Thirty-Four: Mary Anne 

July 25th

Going into our last week here, (we leave on the 30th) it has been officially decided that this is the week of total togetherness. Or whatever that means. I guess maybe because we've been so apart these last few weeks, we decided it's time to get back together. Be the friends we've always been.

We didn't really say that, but it seems that way. The drama is dying out. At least I hope it is.

So tonight we went out. Safely. And not to some club. We went out to a nice dinner IN HOLLYWOOD! It doesn't matter that I've been there already this trip. I love Hollywood. Derek decided to take me and all of my friends out. I told him that would involve nearly everyone I've met on this trip. I told him it would be about twenty people. I gave him the list.

"The more the merrier!" he replied. "So that's... seventeen? Not a problem."

"I don't know if Amalia and Brendan will come," I replied. "I haven't met Brendan, but if Amalia ends up coming, he will, I'm sure."

"Just let me know," Derek replied, smiling.

It was a sort of couples trip. Derek and I, Claudia and Rico, Ducky and Justin, Bruce and Patti, Maggie and Tyler, Amalia and Brendan, and then Dawn and this guy she met this past week, Christian. Sunny kept calling Stacey and Kristy her dates.

I was surprised to see Amalia and Brendan. I mean, his father has cancer. They went out to dinner and to a play and his father could be... don't want to think about it. It's too morbid. But they seemed to be having a good time. Brendan is really nice, too. I'm glad they came.

Christian is also really nice. I mean, I wouldn't have just anyone dating my sister. Dawn seemed really nervous about going out. We were talking about it while we were getting ready.

"What do you think?" Dawn asked, holding out a black skirt.

"Is that leather?" I asked with interest.

"No," she replied. "I can't afford leather. Besides, I have issues with... I mean, if I'm going to be honest about, even just not eating red meat? How can I wear leather? Anyway, it's pleather. Much less expensive."

"I like it," I said. "It's awfully short though."

"Yeah, that sends the wrong message. Dad probably wouldn't let me out in it if he knew I was going on a date. You realize that Dad hasn't had to deal with this. I haven't gone on a single date since I moved back here." Dawn dug through her closet and grabbed a black pair of pants. "Is this cute? Or is it just stupid?"

"Why are you so nervous?" I asked. "I mean, I thought you'd know everything about guys."

Dawn dropped the pants and sat down across from me. "Mary Anne, we have to talk. I don't know where you got the idea that I know everything about being an adult or a high school students or what, but I don't. I don't say the things I say to hold it over you that I was in high school a year longer than you. I say the things I say because it's common sense."

"Are you saying I don't have any common sense?" I asked.

"No! Mary Anne! I just say what I say! It's not a contest, or a me trying to be better than you. I just say stuff. It's not always the right stuff, it's often very wrong. So I don't know what I should say for you not to be offended by every other word I say. Because I'm trying, and it's not working."

I didn't know what to say. "Maybe, maybe you should try on the pants and we'll see how they look."

Dawn nodded. "Good idea."

I don't know what to do about that one. Dawn's acting SO strangely. But then again, how could she be so knowledgeable when she fretting over if a skirt is too short?

Anyway, we got picked up in three cars. Derek in his car, Ducky in Mr. Schafer's SUV, and Rico in his car. I mean, there was 17 of us! Obviously, Derek and I were in his car, along with Maggie and Tyler. Ducky had Justin, Sunny, Stacey, Kristy, Dawn and Christian. Rico had Amalia, Brendan, Bruce, Patti, and Claudia.

They were a little crammed in that last car, I think.

Anyway, we went to Hollywood and we parked, and before we could start our hike to wherever we were going (which some of us were in not the most comfortable shoes and would be a big pain in the butt), Derek stopped us.

"Okay!" he shouted once we were out on the sidewalk. "I've got a bit of surprise for everyone. I know I don't know all of you very well, but it wasn't like I was going to be excluding anyone here. So, check it out!"

Right then, a LIMO pulled up to the curb. I grabbed Derek's arm. "This isn't- You didn't!"

"This is, I did," Derek said grinning.

I thought back to when Derek and I came to Hollywood that first time and how he paid for nearly everything. I stared at him. "Derek, you're not like... rich, are you?"

He smiled. "Well, sort of," he admitted.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

"You didn't know. Most everyone around here knows that my dad is rich, and he sends me tons of cash out of pure guilt. And why not splurge it all on my girlfriend and her friends?"

"Oh my lord!" I threw my arms around his neck.

"Come on, Mary Anne, let's get in before they drive off without us."

We climbed into the limo (we had run out of seats, so I sat in his lap).

"Where are we going?" Patti asked.

"We are going to one of Hollywood's finest restaurants - Burger King," Derek said.

A silence swept over the limo.

"I'm kidding!" He said. "We're going to Vert, Wolfgang Puck's restaurant. It's at Hollywood and Highland. And after that, it's more surprises."

We ate and even Dawn found a vegetarian meal that she said was delicious. Christian kept trying to eat her food, and he was trying to get her to eat the fish he got.

"I'm not eating that!" Dawn said laughing.

"It's white meat! It won't kill you!" Christian said. "I don't eat red meat, come on, I'm not trying to trick you."

I had to admit, they were pretty cute. And Dawn didn't seem nervous at all now, even in her short skirt.

I had no idea how much it cost for all of us since Derek didn't let anyone see the bill. I'll bet that it was outrageous, especially since there had to have been a gratuity. I don't even want to imagine what it was, but Derek didn't blink an eye. He just handed the waiter a credit card and that was that.

We walked around the plaza some, and Kristy took pictures of the Hollywood sign and a group of middle-aged women squealed over Tyler and asked for his autograph. They even recognized Maggie, and had Ducky take pictures with all of them.

Then a group of guys and girls who were about nineteen or so, recognized everyone from Vanish from the Bash, and got autographs and pictures there. Maggie looked a little embarrassed, but everyone else in the band was really excited.

It was getting dark and Derek took charge again.

"Okay, it's almost nine-thirty, and we have an appointment to make. So follow me." He took my hand and we led the way down a bunch of escalators.

"Oh, check it out," Claudia said. There were all of these lit columns with the names of all the movies that have won Best Picture at the Oscars, each listed with the year they won.

I took some pictures of those because they were just gorgeous. Derek and I hadn't been through here when we'd been here the last time.

"What's up those stairs?" Stacey asked, pointing to this glamorous marble staircase. We'd been taking regular escalators everywhere, and the staircases were just cement.

"I'm glad you asked," Derek said, "because that's where we're going."

My eyes widened as we reached the top of the stairs. I realized that we had been here before, just coming from the other direction when Derek and I had been here before. "Oh my lord, Derek, is that...?"

"The Kodak Theatre. Let's go in."

"We can't go in there," I said. "Remember, we tried, but..."

"I didn't realize how much you wanted to go in," he replied easily. "So I called in a favor or two."

I kissed him, right there in front of everyone.

Sunny let out a loud "AWWWWWWWW!" and I blushed.

"What are we waiting for?" Amalia said. "We're going in, right?"

Derek opened the door and everyone filed in. We were the last ones in because of that. I couldn't believe it. Now, I watch the Oscars religiously, but nothing can compare to actually being there. It was the most beautiful place I've been.

It was empty except for us, so we were loud and everything echoed.

"Want to go on stage?" Derek asked.

"YES!" I squealed.

He led me up the stairs leading up to the stage where every single Oscar winner walked up to receive their award. We were on the stage where every actor, whether receiving an Oscar or presenting them, had stood.

"This is amazing," I said. "Just thank you so much for this."

"No problem," he replied, smiling, like all of this was no big deal. "Do you want to dance?"

"Yeah, but there's... no music."

Derek raised his eyebrows. "There isn't?" He waved a hand above his hand, and I looked and there was a light on in the control room and a man waved back at him.

Soft, slow music started to play and we began to dance. I rested my head against his chest. "Derek, this is just amazing." It was the most romantic date I'd ever been on in my entire life. I looked down at the seats and everyone was watching us, but I didn't feel embarrassed at all. Actually, a few of the couples started dancing too.

"This is the most wonderful night of my life," I said.

"Even better than meeting Cam Geary?" he asked, smiling.

"So much better than meeting Cam Geary."

"I'm glad to hear it."

I don't really know what happened after that, but I think I floated home on a cloud.


	35. Ducky: Chapter Four

Chapter Thirty-Five: Ducky 

Early July 26th

Could things be any stranger and any more wonderful than they are at this very moment?

It started late this afternoon after you left work with Sunny to meet up with Stacey. The three of you go over to Justin's to be entertained by Justin and Kristy playing lacrosse. You don't know a lot about sports, but from the little you do know, Kristy is getting really good.

"Ahhhh," Stacey says, holding out a bottle of water. "Ducky, it's too hot to watch them play sports. I know it's fun watching Justin run around in his sweatiness, but we can't take it."

"It's too much," Sunny agrees.

"They've been doing this all morning," you say. "At some point they'll stop and we can all do something."

"Why don't you and Justin go out by yourselves?" Stacey asks.

"Because we happen to enjoy hanging out with our friends."

Sunny rolls her eyes. "I do too, but if I'm out with a guy, I want to be out with that guy. I don't want to have a million tag a longs."

"Well, maybe I just don't see you as a tag a long," you reply.

She sticks her tongue out at you.

But as you predict, Kristy and Justin are done within ten minutes of the conversation.

"No more!" Justin says. "It's too hot for this."

"Waaaater!" Kristy cries. She snatches the bottle from Stacey's hand and downs the rest of it.

"Hey!" Stacey says.

"So what are we doing?" Justin puts an arm around your shoulders, and then pulls away. "I didn't meant to sweat all over you."

"It's okay," you reply.

"Well, Stacey and Kristy are spending the night at my house," Sunny declares. It's obvious that this is the first that Stacey and Kristy have heard of this, but Stacey agrees right away.

"Yup," she said. "I think Mary Anne, Claudia, and Dawn are coming too. But you know how these sleepovers go. No boys allowed."

Justin looks to you. "Then it looks like we're on our own tonight."

You give Sunny a bit of a glare and she grins at you. You turn to Justin. "So what do you want to do?"

Justin shrugs. "You know, you're over at my house all the time. Let's hang out at yours."

"Sounds good," you reply. However calm your voice is, you can't help but feel the panic rise up inside of you. What if Ted is there? He'll suspect something. You take a deep breath and smile. Ted probably won't be there. He's hardly ever home. Just enough to make it okay for you to stay there alone.

Justin takes your hand and smiles. "Fantastic."

Sunny grins even wider.

You and Justin go and rent some movies after Justin's taken a shower and you've taken the girls safely back to Sunny's house. You pick out an old Hitchcock movie. He picks The Matrix.

"We have some serious issues going on here, don't we?" Justin says. "This is a clashing of genres."

"I can watch the Matrix," you say. "I don't have issues with macho action movies."

"The Matrix is not just any macho action movie. It was the biggest groundbreaker in action films in god only knows how long. This movie changed action movies. Action films haven't been the same since then."

"Mmm," you reply.

"Ha. Ha."

You rent the movies and go back to your house. You watch The Matrix first, but you're hardly paying attention. You're much more preoccupied with the way Justin is lazily taking up two seats on the couch, his arm resting on your leg. How his head is leaning against your torso.

You don't know how Justin can be so relaxed about these things. Perhaps it comes from being in relationships before. You've never been with girls before like he has. Justin is your age, but you wonder then if he's a virgin, like you are. You're certain he's never been with a guy, but there's the other half the population. You kissed girls and felt nothing. You've certainly never gone past first base.

What IS first base? Do you just know if you've gotten there?

You wonder if you should touch him. You want to touch him. Even since you've kissed, every time, he's the one who has initiated every single one of them. You're too nervous. What if he rejects you? What if it's not the right time?

Gingerly, you raise a hand. Justin doesn't notice, he's absorbed in the movie. Carefully, you slide your fingers through his hair. He sort of jumps, but he doesn't react any other way. His hair is pretty soft, but you can feel traces of gel.

"Mmmm," Justin says.

The movie is almost over, and Justin has seen it before, so you take your new boldness to the next level. You lean down and kiss him. It's a short peck, hardly even qualifying as a kiss.

Justin looks up and smiles. "Do that again."

You can't help but grin and kiss him again, this time longer. He grasps your hair, I guess to keep you there. You try to get a better position, because stretching this way is killing your back. In the end? You and Justin both fall off the couch in a heap.

Justin starts laughing. So do you. He kisses you softly.

"Chris," he says in this low, throaty voice. "Oh, god, I want you."

Your eyes widen, but, strangely, you're not nervous. You kiss him, opening your mouth and letting his tongue inside. Justin pushes you gently down onto the floor and you don't resist. He straddles your hips and unbuttons your shirt and puts his hands on either side of your stomach.

You help Justin take off his shirt and then he leans further down and kisses your neck, tracing across your collarbone and down your chest.

"Ohhhh," you moan.

"I love you," Justin mumbles.

You sit up part way, propping yourself up on your elbows. "What?"

Justin looks at you. "I... I love you."

You look into his eyes and see nothing but sincerity. And you realize... "I love you too."

After a second of staring, Justin grins. He practically tackles you, kissing you on the mouth. You wrap your arms around him and feel like holding him forever.

You suddenly lose control of your hands and unbutton Justin's pants. His eyes widen at you. "Are you sure about this, Chris?"

You think, and you realize that you haven't ever been sure about anything in your life. You've always second guessed yourself. You smile and find that you've never wanted anything more in your life.

"Yes," you say, "I'm very sure."

He grins and laughs. "Well, then. Let's... let's do this." He sheds his pants and settles himself again on your hips. He slides a hand down your stomach, causing an outbreak of goosebumps. He unhooks the button of your jeans and slowly pulls down the tab of the zipper.

The thought of sex always gave you a horrible pit in your stomach. But then again, those thoughts were always with girls. This with Justin felt natural. It felt very real and normal. But then again, would you really want to have sex when it didn't feel normal and natural?

"What are you thinking about?" Justin asked, touching your face.

"I... I don't know."

His shoulders shake with a little laugh and he leans down and kisses your stomach.

And then... and then...

"WHAT. THE. HELL?"

Your eyes that had been lazily closing shoot open and you turn your head and see an upside down Ted staring down at you and Justin with a shocked, disgusted expression on his face.

You sit up and Justin is off your lap in a second. You turn around. "Hey. Ted."

"Christopher. This is like some... no, I can't figure it out."

You give him a shaky smile. "This is Justin."

"Justin."

"My boyfriend."

Ted's eyes widen and the disgust in his face grows. "Boyfriend. You're... gay? A fag. My brother is a fag."

"Something like that," you reply, not meeting his eyes. "Um, Justin, this is my brother, Ted."

"Nice to meet you," Justin says.

"Are you sure you're gay?" Ted asks. "Is this some kind of screwed up experimenting. Because I did that once in high school. Tits for me, thanks."

"No, it's, it's not experimenting, and, um, thanks for telling me about that moment in your life. But, uh, we've been together for almost a month," you say. You try to forget the image in your head of Ted with some guy.

"Well, Jesus, Christopher, don't have sex on the living room carpet!" Ted exclaims. "At least go in your room! That's why it has a door."

You blink a couple of times and then you start laughing. A potentially horrible situation is averted.

"I thought you were with that blonde girl. The hot one." Ted says.

You sort of wishing that you could button your jeans and your shirt, but that seems like it would call attention to everything that just happened. At the moment you think this, Justin, who is sitting behind you with an arm around your middle, just in his boxers, hisses in your ear, "Can, um, I get dressed?"

"I'm not with Stacey. Stacey's leaving at the end of the week, so it doesn't really matter. And, um, anyway, Justin is great. That's all there is to it. I wouldn't want to be with her anyway. Because of Justin." You're babbling now as if you've lost control of your mouth.

"Okay," Ted says. "I get it. You're a fag- gay. Can I say that?"

The fact that Ted even cared to stop himself from using an offensive word (which, hearing it so often has kinda of desensitized you, even though it shouldn't, because that's... giving in or something) really means something to you. It meant that he was already accepting it.

"Yeah, gay works," you say. "I don't know all the details on it, really." You meant the details on you being gay, since that seems like too strong a word for how you feel, and that it's simply Justin, and maybe not guys in general, but it seemed too difficult to explain.

Ted went into his room and Justin got dressed.

"I'm sorry about that," you say, buttoning your jeans. "I guess I should have told him."

"It's okay," Justin says, pulling on his shirt. "Maybe it was just as well. It's harder to resist in the moment, you know."

"Yeah... I sort of hate all this resisting, though."

"Me too." Justin pulls your face close to his and kisses you.

And then you and Justin didn't resist. However, this time it's in your room behind a locked door.

Now, Justin is asleep in your bed and you've been writing away in your journal. You don't know what this new level in your and Justin's relationship means, but you're finally feeling ready to face it. Because this time, you're not facing it alone.


	36. Sunny: Chapter Four

Chapter Thirty-Six: Sunny 

7/27 Tuesday

After Sunday night's impromptu sleepover, which was tons of fun, that's for sure, but I slept halfway through Monday. We all did. We didn't wake up until after one in the afternoon when Carol called wondering where everyone was.

It was so much fun, though. Except for the one thing when I declared that I would dye my hair black for twenty dollars.

"I'll take you up on that," Stacey said. "I'll even buy the hair dye."

My eyes widened. "What?"

She thrust a twenty dollar bill into my hand. "Let's go get some hair dye."

It was eleven-thirty at night, so Stacey, Kristy, and I snuck out. Dawn, Mary Anne, and Claudia stayed back to cover for us if Dad woke up. Dawn was very disapproving of this, but after the laughing later, I don't think she could have minded THAT much.

We walked, in the black, with flashlights, to this store that's open 24 hours, and Stacey picked out a box of hair dye.

"That's permanent," I said.

"I know," she replied.

"I don't even get wash out dye?" I asked.

She grinned. "Look, if you're doing this, you're doing it all the way."

"Stacey, you're horrible," Kristy said. She was grinning.

"I just like to get my money's worth," Stacey said.

I sighed. "Okay, fine, get it."

"You know," Stacey said as she paid for the dye, "I dyed my hair once. Red. Ugh, it was awful. Oh, remember when Mallory dyed her hair blonde? How weird was that?"

"It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the gallons of make-up she wore," Kristy said. "She looked so fake."

We snuck (sneaked?) back into the house without getting caught.

"That is black!" Mary Anne said, examining the box.

"That is just going to soak up your blonde hair," Dawn said.

"Just think about your twenty bucks," Kristy said.

"There's nothing wrong with black hair," Claudia said.

Stacey took me by the wrist. "Come on, Sunny, you know what they say. When you go black, you never go back."

"That's not what that saying means!" I exclaimed. I paused. "But it's true."

"SUNNY!" Dawn exclaimed. "How do you know that?"

I smiled, just to tortue Dawn. "No reason."

Stacey followed all the directions on the box, and half an hour later, I pulled the towel off my hair. "Okay, how horrible is it?"

Mary Anne studied me. "Actually, it looks nice."

Dawn nodded. "Really, Sunny, it does."

I looked in the mirror. They were right. It was different. Very different. But it wasn't bad. In fact, it was kind of cool.

And I made twenty bucks.

Today was pretty easy on me. Dawn, Ducky, Stacey, and I went to the mall and hung out. I don't think any of us bought anything except for lunch. We just loitered.

When Ducky saw me, he about died.

"Oh my god, Sunny, look at you!"

My hair was all nice and shiny, and very pretty. I had to borrow makeup from Claudia, though, because all of my eyeliners and eyeshadows all looked weird. I'll have to get new makeup soon.

"You like?" I asked, grinning.

"It's so dark! Why? When?"

"Sunday night, on a twenty dollar bet."

He smiled. "That sounds like a legit reason. What does your dad think?"

"Dad? Oh, he hasn't noticed yet. We've been in the same room a dozen times and he hasn't said a thing."

Ducky drove us to the mall and we wandered the stores. We started at one end and decided to make a circle to the food court. By then we'd all be hungry.

"So," I said innocently to Ducky, "how did things go with you and Justin? You've been all quiet."

He shook his head. "Fine." He picked up a hat and put it on his head sideways. "Do I look cool?"

"Not really," Stacey said, putting the hat on straight. "Much better."

"Come on," I pressed, "there have to be some juicy details."

"Not really," he said. He started playing with the hat on his head. I know Ducky too well. I knew that he was avoiding telling me something. I was determined to find out what it was.

"Duuuuuuucky, you know you'll tell me sometime, so why not just tell us now? Why draw it out?"

"It's more fun that way?" He put a pair of sunglasses. "Look, now I can be a spy."

"A spy who's going to tell me what happened!"

"Sunny, leave it," Dawn said. "If he doesn't want to tell you, it's his business."

"All secrets are meant to be told," I said. I didn't really mean this, since I wasn't going to tell all of my secrets. I wasn't going to tell Kristy's secrets (especially to Ducky. He doesn't know that Kristy has a crush on Justin). But Ducky's my best friend. What am I going to do but try and weasel it out of him? If he was stalling this much, it had to be something good.

"Not really," Dawn said.

"Psh," Stacey said. "I'll be honest. I want to know just as much as Sunny does."

It's so nice to have someone on my side. I'm going to miss them all soooooo much when they're gone. I can't believe they're leaving so soon.

"All right," Ducky said. He sighed, but he was smiling, so I knew he wasn't going to hate me forever for it. Not that he ever does. Which is something I love about him.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Justin kind of... he sort of spent the night."

I stared at him. "Did you have sex?"

"No! Well, yeah, but..."

"YOU HAD SEX!" I screamed.

"Sunny, will you keep your voice down?" Dawn snapped.

"I didn't have sex," Ducky said. "Let's just say... um, I'm past first base."

I rolled my eyes. "We're all mature young adults here. We can take the big words. Tell me, er, us exactly what happened."

"You're not getting all the details," he warned, his face turning red. "But, um, I dunno, we just kind of..."

"Oral," Stacey said knowingly.

He nodded.

"Isn't that a little fast?" Dawn asked, looking concerned.

Ducky shrugged. "We kind of thought so too, but... it just sort of happened. We didn't plan on it or anything."

I was going to make a snarky comment, but Stacey jumped in before I could say anything.

"You guys used protection, right?"

Ducky nodded. "Justin had them."

She nodded approvingly. "You should start keeping them around too."

"I will," he said. "Oh, and I came out to Ted. But I didn't have a lot of choice when he found Justin and I making out on the living room floor."

My jaw hit the floor. Ducky doesn't usually blurt out stuff like that. You have to edge around him trying to talk about you for a while, but in the end he'll say it. But not without some pressure. And then the fact that he and Justin were making out on the floor.

"How did Ted take that?" Dawn asked.

"Oddly enough, he took it really well. I don't know what to think of that. He's not really meeting my eyes anymore, though. I don't know what's going on with him."

"He found his brother making out with a guy on the floor in his living room," Stacey said. "You're lucky he's taking it as well as he is."

Ducky looked sheepish, but he smiled at me. "You happy now?"

"You're all a man now," I said, poking his shoulder.

"I don't know about that. It's kind of confusing, actually. But it's not so bad."

We finally got back around to the food court and we sat down at Starburst's (Do we eat anywhere else? Oh well, they have everything).

"Have you talked to Amalia?" Stacey asked, digging into her salad.

Dawn shook her head. "Not since we went to Hollywood. Apparently Brendan's dad is-" She stopped talking and looked straight at me, her face pale.

I waved my fork at her. "What? Amalia told me what was going on. It sucks, but I don't know Brendan's dad. I'm not having a breakdown over it, I swear. From what she told me, they caught his cancer pretty early, so he's got great odds. Mom never had great odds, even when we wanted to believe she did."

Everyone was really quiet.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked. I stood up on the booth and shouted, for the entire restaurant. "MY MOM IS DEAD! NO ONE THINKS THAT I CAN HANDLE IT, BUT GUESS WHAT? I AM!"

"Sunny, sit down," Ducky said in this calm, soothing voice.

I did. "Look, Dawn, I'm alive. I'm not going to let Mom dying kill me too. And I'm not going to let it keep me from being a friend to Amalia. She told me about it the same time she asked if she could have a job at the bookstore. Which is why she's working there now."

"She likes it a lot better," Ducky said.

I nodded. "So, what did Amalia tell you?"

Dawn frowned at me for a moment. "Apparently he's not doing so hot. But she told me that Brendan's mom insisted that they go out with us. That they needed a break. Amalia said she hasn't even been sleeping at her own house."

"Brendan's house is closer to the bookstore anyway," I said. "Dad's being really great about letting her have flexible hours so she can be at the hospital. She's pretty much work, sleep, hospital girl. I couldn't imagine being that loyal to someone who wasn't my own family member."

Dawn opened her mouth, but then closed it again.

"You would," Stacey said, "if it was someone you loved. Even if it was THEIR family. You'd want to be there. I know that from the friends of friends who would visit me in the hospital."

We left the mall and Ducky dropped us off.

"Hey, Dawn?" I said, before they started into the house.

She turned and waved for Stacey to go back into the house. "Yeah, Sunny?"

"I just wanted to tell you that you should have just asked me outright if Amalia had talked to me. I get why you didn't, but it's kind of like you couldn't trust me to handle the truth. Amalia's my friend too. I care about what's happening in her life, even if she's going to things similar to what I went through. Especially then."

Dawn looked a little ashamed, but what she said next was really truthful, and even I could see that. "Honestly, Sunny, I didn't want to mention it and be the one to tell you. And for another thing, I'm not used to this side of you. I should be, because you used to be this way, what seems like such a long time ago."

"What?"

"A good friend. Responsible. And even adult. That phase of you, that rebel thing, I could hardly stand you. But I did what I could to still be your friend. And now, I'm still expecting that Sunny to come out, but it's not. I'm sorry for underestimating you."

"It's okay," I replied. "And you have good reason. It's only now that I'm getting it. I'm getting how I was, and how I am now. Though, even with all that rebelling, I never had black hair."

Dawn laughed. "It really does looks good."

I grinned. "Of course it does, it's on me!"

She laughed and we hugged. I went into my house and Dad took a long look at me.

"Sunny, what did you do to your hair?"

I laughed and gave him a hug.


	37. Claudia: Chapter Four

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Claudia

Friday July 30th. 1:10AM

Tonight was the last night I spent with Rico. We're leaving tomorrow for Stoneybrook. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty excited about going home. I'm excited to get back to normal. I have a lot more material for my artwork after this trip.

Flirtation.

Excitement.

Love.

Lust.

Pain.

Confusion.

Resolution.

Love.

Loss.

Ashley Wyeth would be so proud of me.

Tonight we had a party at Dawn's house. A going away party for all of us Stoneybrook-er's. Everyone was there. Dawn made sure that there was decent food there and not just health junk. Too bad we didn't have any birthday cake left. But I'd eaten most of that. How can someone settle for regular Snickers bars when there's cake around?

"How much louder does this stereo go?" Sunny asked, Green Day blaring over the speakers.

"Not any louder unless we want to get arrested for disrupting the peace," Dawn replied.

"Put on the Vanish tape!" Amalia said.

"No, don't!" Maggie shouted. "Put on one of Tyler's movies!"

"No!" Tyler shouted.

We all laughed.

I looked around me. I was thinking about how weird it was that we were leaving. I felt so at home here. Going back to Stoneybrook would be so boring. It would be like leaving a soap opera.

"Penny for your thoughts," Rico said, coming up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed my temple.

"Just thinking," I said. "It's going to be weird to be going home."

"It's going to be weird without you."

"I don't care about disturbing the peace!" Sunny yelled.

"I do," Mary Anne said, covering her ears. Derek put his arm around her shoulders.

"Peace!" Dawn shouted.

Christian crawled behind the stereo and unplugged it. He stood up, holding the plug in his hand. "The stereo doesn't get any louder. However." He pointed to a guitar case in the corner. "We have can still have some entertainment."

Okay, maybe I'm just partial to musicians these days, but Dawn has really good taste. Christian sang a bunch of songs that we all knew, and then he made Maggie sing with him (he has a REALLY good voice. Way better than Rico, which Rico is the first to admit), and they sounded BEAUTIFUL.

But the best part is that he has this talent with coming up with silly songs off the top of his head. He wrote one about Dawn and how she moved about the country in a flyin' machine, and how she can't make up her mind where to live. It was really accurate. He wrote one about everything that Carol was doing as she put out more food. She kept telling him to stop, and he kept singing about her telling him to stop.

We were in stitches.

I could tell that Carol liked him a lot. I don't think Mr. Schafer felt exactly the same way, but what can you do? He's Dawn's father. Of course he wouldn't like her first boyfriend.

It was late that night, around nine when Rico took me out into the yard. It was really beautiful, even though you couldn't see the stars threw the smog, and it was hot, even for nighttime.

"Claudia," he said, "I just wanted to tell you how much this hole summer has meant to me. I've never felt about anyone like I do you. I guess you know that. And with you leaving tomorrow... I just kinda wanted to know where we stood? Or where we would stand once you're in Stoneybrook."

"I don't know," I replied. "I guess we have a couple of options."

Rico looked pained. "I know what they are. I've been thinking about them the past few weeks. I don't really like any of them. There's always the long-distance relationship."

"Do those ever work?" I asked.

"Sometimes. Some people can do it. Um, then, there's just being friends. And writing letters, and emailing and all of that."

"That doesn't sound that hot."

"I don't know what's going to happen," Rico said. "I don't know what's going to be happening with the band, and when school starts, we'll both be swamped and..."

"I don't think it's going to work out," I said, starting to get choked up.

He shook his head. "I don't think so either."

I sort of fell into his arms, crying. I'm crying now, just writing about it. I know, that no matter how long I live, I'm never going to forget Rico. He was my first, and there's nothing that can change that. He won't fade away like other boys I've dated. He'll always be 16 and strong, and wonderful in my mind.

I looked up at him and he was pretty misty-eyed himself.

"Let's go back inside," he said. I think he figured that he wouldn't cry if he was in front of everyone.

The party hadn't even missed us. Christian was still playing the guitar and singing "American Pie." He knew all the words. Well, I guess those were the words, because I don't know all of them and he's so good at making stuff up off the top of his head.

Rico and I started dancing, and laughing, but I couldn't help but feel sad. There wasn't much that I could do. The circumstances were out of our control. It didn't seem fair, but life isn't always fair. I've really learned that over this trip.

The party wasn't over until it was like 11:30. And that's when Rico and I really had to say good-bye.

"Even if we're not together," Rico said softly in my ear, "I'll never stop writing you. I'll never stop being your friend. I love you too much to forget you."

"I love you too," I said, crying again.

And he left. He just left. I don't think he could stand to be there anymore. Instead of us all going to bed, we holed up in Dawn's room for a while.

"I wish we'd all gotten to spend more time together," Dawn said. "It feels like you guys just got hear."

"I know," I said with a sigh.

"What are you and Rico going to do?" Stacey asked.

I started to sniffle again. "We broke up. It's just too much, we thought. Just... can't do it."

Stacey hugged me. She was the only one who really knew what I went through, and she's been so understanding.

"What about you and Derek?" Dawn asked, looking to Mary Anne.

"Um, well, we're going to try," she said, looking sheepish. "It's a little weird, but, you know. My problems with Logan was that he didn't give me enough space. Maybe trying the other way around could work."

"What are you going to tell your dad?" Kristy asked.

"My father is not going to know I have a sixteen year old boyfriend," Mary Anne said. She looked at Dawn. "And you better not tell your mom, because he'll find out."

Dawn held up her hands. "You have my word!"

"Christian is really great," Stacey said. "How'd you reel him in, Dawn?"

"My sexy demeanor," Dawn said, tossing her hair.

We all giggled.

"No, really," she continued, "I have no idea. Apparently he's sort of admired me from a distance all school year long. How weird."

"Not weird," Mary Anne said. "You just needed to find the right guy."

"Speaking of the right guy," I said, "how is it that Stacey didn't hook up at all on this trip?"

Stacey laughed. "I think I... I spent all this time away from Stoneybrook and away from New York. I think maybe I still like Ethan. Does that seem totally weird?"

"No," I said. "When you find someone who understands you, you just have to go with it."

"Yeah, I just... I sort kept thinking about him. And when I wrote him a postcard, I spent like twenty minutes trying to figure out if I should end it "Love" or "Your Friend" or what. When you put yourself through that, it must mean something, right?"

"Sounds like it," Mary Anne said, smiling.

"As long as you don't go back to Sam, knowing what you two did, I'm all okay," Kristy said.

"Kristy," Dawn said suddenly, "did you get any guy action this trip?"

Kristy's eyes went wide and she shook her head. "Nope."

"Liar!" Stacey said, throwing a pillow at her. "Spill it."

"You have to swear you'll never tell," Kristy said. "Especially you, Dawn."

We all got mutual curious looks and swore we'd be silent.

"I had a crush on... and kissed, once. Um. Justin."

"Justin?" Dawn repeated. "Ducky's Justin?"

Kristy nodded, looking miserable.

"You kissed Justin?" Stacey said. "No wonder you were acting so weird! I thought it was just from the sunburn!"

"What was the sunburn count?" Mary Anne asked.

"Seven times in six weeks," Kristy replied. "I don't know what it was. I couldn't keep the sunblock on enough. I'm so getting skin cancer."

"Don't say that!"

"Back up!" I said. "Justin? Did you like seduce him or something?"

Kristy rolled her eyes. "No, actually, surprisingly enough, it was mutual."

"Justin had a crush on you while he was dating Ducky?" Dawn asked.

"Sort of." Kristy looked a little embarrassed. "He said I was sexy. No one in my entire life has called me sexy. But he also said that he's with Ducky and Ducky lives here. Plus he's totally in love with Ducky, so it doesn't really make the much of a difference. Not in the end."

In the end. It was the end of our trip. We were going home. And as painful as it is to leave, I'm so happy to go home. 


	38. Dawn: Epilogue

Epilogue: Dawn 

August 1st

My friends are gone, safely back in Stoneybrook. The house seems empty with just me, Dad, Carol and Gracie. Jeff isn't going to be back until next week.

I learned a lot about my friends. I learned a lot about myself. And I have myself my first ever boyfriend! My first ever real boyfriend, anyway. Christian is just fantastic. Who would have thought regular old Dawn would attract a guy like him?

I know that things happened that I don't know about. But can you do? Things change. People change. I don't know why I thought they wouldn't change. That I thought they would be the same people that I left in Stoneybrook.

But the changes didn't stop us from being friends. In fact, I think we're closer now than we ever where when I lived in Stoneybrook. I get emails daily from at least one of them, where twice a month used to suffice. I guess now that's we're apart, we're really together. All the changes in the world couldn't stop us from being friends. Would would have thought that after all the boys, all the fights, all the trouble, and a country between us we could still be friends?

I guess it just goes to show you that you really can be friends forever.

Carol's calling me. I better go.

-Dawn

**D**ear Dawn,  
Now that I'm away from the atmosphere, I just had to tell you how sorry I am for acting like I did. I don't know why I thought of you that way. Or why I acted that way. I guess, maybe, I was just nervous about starting high school, and instead of talking to you about it, I just got defensive.  
I hope you'll forgive me.  
Your sister,  
**Mary Anne**

**D**ear Claudia,  
I told you I'd write! My first letter of many to you. Things are already moving. Amalia got a call from that woman from the Bash, Rainah. She said that she'd been trying to get in contact with Amalia for ages. It turns out a label is interested in the band and Raniah wants to represent us - along with Amalia. She seems totally serious about having Amalia on board.  
I have no idea what's going to happen. My parents are completely for it, but Bruce's parents are still pissed about the whole club-ticket thing, so they're weird about letting him do anything. And Maggie's parents? I have no idea if they've said anything at all. So who knows. But it would be nice to see minors in the music world who actually play instruments and don't just sing and dance.  
Anyway, I gotta go. Amalia has reinstated daily practices, and that's where I'm off to.  
Love ya,  
**Rico**

**D**ear Claudia, Kristy, Mary Anne, and Stacey,  
I'll bet you guys didn't expect to hear from me all at the same time! I just had to let you know that BRENDAN'S DAD IS HOME! He's not in remission or anything, but he's home and that's good news. I just thought you guys should know, since you were all there for me (and Brendan). Believe me, it's way better hanging out at Brendan's house and not at the vending machine room at the hospital.  
Hopefully this won't be the last letter I send to you, but I'm going to be super busy. It looks like Vanish is getting onto a label (an independent, small label, but that's how big ones pick you up) if we can get all parental permission. I'll even get to still be manager. I wonder if Dawn would mind if I represented Christian too.  
TTYL!  
**Amalia**

**J**ustin,  
I just had to let you know that when I went for a training session at the high school for the lacrosse team, and the coach didn't want to say anything for sure since the actual tryouts aren't until school starts, but she said that I was on the top of her list to get in.  
And I told her that I had a great coach.  
-**Kristy**


End file.
